The big new years eve plans:

We are ass-planting and ordering in...all 5 of us...me, kb, puppy, kitten, and baby blueberry.

Why oh why...

Did there have to be a carters outlet store around the corner from KB's aunt's house in jersey?
We definitely stopped there on our way home today and bought six things...albeit it at very cheap prices!
Made it through the holidays without the cousins having any clue (until we broke down and told one of them! She kept the secret though) which is no small feat. Kb has three female cousins who have each had three babies. Add her aunt and that brings us to four women and 12 pregnancies. Man we were good.

Now just 5 1/2 more weeks till we can spill our guts to everyone!

Still just one baby and we have a heartbeat!

Five weeks 6 days today. We saw baby huckleberry on the ultrasound and actually saw the heart beating!
IT'S ALIVE!
102 bpm.
We opened Christmas presents this morning.
But this was the best gift of all!

Our little bean is no longer just a collection of cells.
It has a heartbeat!

An early urge to nest?

I am sitting in my office at work waiting for a patient who probably will not show up, as has been my personal (or maybe the holiday) plague the past few days. And honestly, I'm kind of excited because I didn't want to see her anyway...or anyone for that matter...because all I can think of is going home and starting my 5-day holiday vacation at approximately 930pm tonight! The wife still has to work tomorrow...which is okay, because I am going to spend the day making Christmas cookies, watching shows she isn't into, and crocheting baby booties. That's right. I said it. I have started crocheting things for baby huckleberry. I welcome this activity because it adds a little variety to my obsession from last week: sewing baby clothes.

Since finding out about the huckleberry, I think I have sewn 10 pairs of shorts, two fleece sleepers, two fleece hoodies, and 3 or 4 shirts. To put this into perspective, I actually set up the dining room table, named it my "sweatshop" and wouldn't even allow KB to set so much as a water glass upon it. And I made all of these outfits in approximately 3 evenings. Also, I think we already have about 100 or so articles of clothing that I made over the course of the last few years for the bean. It's nuts. I can never do anything halfway...I always go overboard.

So now, it's on to booties, and hats, and if I can find a pattern for crocheting sweaters for infants, I will do that too. I have a pattern for a two year old, maybe I can just cut the number of stitches in half...we'll see how that turns out. I have a lot of spare yarn around anyway...what else am I going to do with it.

But I am wondering what my next project will be. When will I stop? I feel like I only really have 6 months to get everything ready...and I work alot, so why not capitalize on my time now? Trying to pace myself...but it's too hard. I think this is my way of handling my excitement...and also of feeling more involved as the non-gestational mother. KB understands this, thank goodness...

4 wks 6 days...and already an ultrasound!

We had our first ultrasound (extra early because of the high HCG) today. They saw one gestational sac...so at the moment it looks like we are only carrying one! But anything could happen. I thought for sure we had twins in there with the crazy symptoms and early levels of high HCG...but looks like I was wrong. The ultrasound technician did say that it is possible for another sac to show up later, but for now, we are getting used to calling it "baby" instead of "babies."

We go in Christmas eve morning for another ultrasound to see the fetal pole and perhaps a heartbeat!

Also, we scheduled our OB appointment for the end of January already. One of our top picks and only two blocks from where KB works...it's all coming together!

We went for our second beta on Friday and our hcg went from 164 to 536. Progesterone from 64 to 72. So the pregnancy is sticking and sticking well! Also, the docs are taking bets that it's twins. My mother (a neonatal intensive care nurse) is worried it might be triplets. I think our RE is also worried, cause they scheduled an ultrasound for Thursday, which will be five weeks. Yikes!

Holy HCG!

So we went in for a blood test on Wednesday (which was only CD25--KB has 26 day cycles usually)...before even having a missed period because of the positive pregnancy tests (5 of them)....and Holy HCG! Our HCG was already at 164 (progesterone 64). No wonder KB has already been experiencing nausea, excessive thirst and constipation! We go back in for our second Beta tomorrow morning, just to make sure the HCG is still rising. We have become addicted to peeing on sticks just to see that awesome purple line...which is getting darker and darker every day.

So part two of the news regarding KB's HCG, because we have not technically hit 4 weeks yet (which will be on Sunday)...the doctor said that our HCG is much higher than average. We also know that KB had three follicles this month...they said that there is a possiblity that we are cooking up more than one baby in there!!!!

Oh Jesus Christ.

I am very excited about this possibility...and a little nervous too...KB may become a stay at home (or work from home) mother afterall...


On a slightly different note...the realization that we are actually pregnant is setting in more and more. I feel like I am walking around with a goofy grin and major secret at all times. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to just blurt it out...but alas...caution is needed...it's still quite early.

I'M JUST SO EXCITED!!!!!

BFP!!!!!!!!!

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we couldn't sleep last night...at all. KB has had waves of nausea coupled with intense hunger and thirst since Sunday (9dpo)...which we thought we were imagining because that seemed way to early to be having symptoms...but this morning, we peed on two sticks and both had a faint, but very clear line! And just to be sure it was different than evaporation lines, I peed on one too...and as we suspected, I am not pregnant....but my wife IS!!!!!!!

This day is now entered into one of my top 10 days in life so far.

And now I am nervous about the pregnancy sticking...After all of our friends' experiences with miscarriages and infertility, I think I will be anxious until we pass 12 weeks...and then I will rest easily. That is only 8 1/2 weeks away...it will come quickly!

Now, back to looking at cute baby stuff on-line. Good thing my last patient cancelled and I am caught up on paperwork...cause I am going to be majorly unproductive for the next few hours!

A crazy three months

So...it's been a while since I've updated this blog...it's been a pretty busy season. We both started new jobs that have kept us more-than-occupied, we've been exploring New England, and there have been some conferences, etc. Sorry.

We've also probably been purposefully avoiding looking at other blogs, and hence have forgotten about our own. We were waiting until our insurance kicked in on November 1st, and it was just too difficult to watch other's getting pregnant, etc. while we were waiting for a chance to try again.

We went to the doctor the beginning of November, and were informed that our lovely insurance would not cover us until we had paid for 6 IUI's out of pocket at the doctor's office (I guess the one's I did at home didn't count). So we technically have to do four more before they will pay a dime. If we had known this, we wouldn't have waited three blasted months! But alas...onward and upward.

Our first appointment with the new RE was horrible. She had double-booked us after already calling a week earlier to reschedule us. Then they said they had an appointment the same day, a few hours later, so we both moved around our appointments to make this appointment (otherwise we would have had to wait another month to get in)...and then the doctor was 1/2 hour late to this appointment. She had obviously not bothered to read the chart, because she asked me if I was KB's "friend or cousin...or...????" KB became pretty upset at this, and not-so-gently informed her that I was her wife...which the doctor brushed aside...no apologies for being late or for making stupid assumptions.

We thought in Massachusetts we wouldn't have to deal with people being ignorant about same-sex marriage...and I guess now we are realizing that only close to Boston are people more progressive. Also, it might be just me, but fertility specialists in general should probably be more sensitive to the idea that their patients might not be straight since many lesbians require the assistance of RE's to become pregnant...I'm just saying...

So now we are on Tamoxifen. No more clomid for us. It thinned out KB's lining too much. We had three mature follicles (which is about half of what we typically had when on clomid, but still quite good). Her lining was within normal limits...and now we are 7dpo. We had to inseminate on Thanksgiving, with a different doctor (who is the head of the department and so much better interpersonally)...so if this doesn't work out this month...we are switching doctors to her as well.

The other strange thing that has happened that I am totally reading into (because really everything can be a pregnancy sign, can't it?) is that KB had weird nasal congestion for about three days from 4dpo to 6dpo. It was like a cold...but she wasn't extra tired and didn't have any other symptoms. No relief if she took an allergy pill...and not the typical nasal mucous for a cold...it was clear...
I've (of course) been reading about "early pregnancy signs and cold symptoms" on various ttc sites...which you would think that a year later I would be learning my lesson on this...and this phenomenon has been reported as a fluke sign of early pregnancy. so of course...despite how much I am trying to ignore it...I'm freaking out a little in my head. But much less than in past months.

7 days to go. Let's hope this works...for both us and our bank account.

Yay Massachusetts!

We're here! Well...we've been here for 2 weeks now...but no internet until this weekend. So far, we are loving Massachusetts and not really missing Chicago. But there are a few things we miss, and a few things we don't like about Massachusetts. First, we miss grided streets. I realize how much we depended on a street system that makes logical sense and am thankful for the time we had it, but now I find myself wondering where I am a lot of the time. Thank goodness for GPS. Second, I miss being able to buy my alcohol at the grocery store. It's such a waste of time to have to go to two places...an irritation that is livable...but annoying none-the-less. Third, I miss drivers that are somewhat curtious. People actually speed up here in order to prevent you from changing lanes. Massholes. So far, that is it...but I am sure the list will grow a little in the next few months as we adjust.

Some semi-exciting things have happened since we moved. First, we upgraded to a queen-sized bed. That extra 6 inches really makes a difference! And ever since, I have woken up without any joint pain. Woohoo! Second, we upgraded our entertainment system...from the 19inch my dad bought me when I was in college, to a 37inch flat-screen. I know this is not a giant TV or anything...but in comparison, I feel like I'm sitting in front of the big-screen at the theatre. Also, today, we pick up our marriage license and later this week, we are going to legalize our marriage in Boston. I'm pretty excited to have the same rights as every other married couple (at least when I am in New England).

So far, we've been doing a lot of exploring, which has been fun. We've discovered that Worcester restaurants are much cheaper than we are used to...which means we can probably afford to go out a little more than we used to...so that is great. Also, we played an impromptu game of Bocce Ball with some locals while we were walking our dog through the park the other night. That was a weird--but fun experience. We also walked the grounds of Worcester State Hospital as it was getting dark. That was creepy, actually. And we have hung out with some blog friends a few times...which was lovely.

As far as baby stuff goes...we aren't totally sure what we are doing right now. We may start a few home tries just for the hell of it...we may take another month off. We are researching good RE's in the UMASS system (and elsewhere) for November when the health insurance kicks in. And from there, it will all depend on what the RE says. If they want us on a new fertility drug with IUI's...fine. If they want us to continue on with IVF...fine. At least that is how I am feeling. I think KB would prefer not to go right to IVF. But I am so tired of this game and every day my baby obsession grows. I have a lot of fabric sitting in the closet and it takes all my strength to not start turning it into new baby outfits. Plus, our guest bedroom would be so much better as a nursury. Right now, it is so hodge-podge. I need a unified theme. Baby seems like a good theme.

It feels like every day my feelings about moving change. On Tuesday I was really sad, doubting everything. Yesterday I was scared. Today, I am neither of these things. Just excited and ready to go! I feel like our ttc-journey has taken a similar course over the past few months. Right now, I am still excited to be a parent--someday, but am also feeling very protective and cautious. I don't know how long this will take us, and if I keep focusing on it, it will make me crazy. I just know that we will be parents someday and in some way. And until then, I'm relishing my time with my wife. Right now, I have her all to myself, better enjoy this while I can still say this.

Nine days left. All packed up (for the most part). Ready to go. I am more nervous for the logistics of the move than for the move itself. Driving the truck, fitting everything in, not breaking shit. That kind of stuff. And I am starting to emotionally detach a little. Makes it easier. Tired of talking to people and saying goodbye. This is my 22nd move in my life...although to be fair about half of my moves were local and not 1000 miles. But the other half were all long distance, sometimes overseas. So I'm pretty used to it...but it's still hard.

And the harder part of it is that I really thought we'd be pregnant in the first year of trying. And we won't be. In fact, we have no clear idea of where we are on our road to parenthood. We may be trying IVF in November. New RE may suggest a different path and we won't know that path for a few months. It's just a giant question mark. I don't like it one bit. I like plans. I've lived my life on plans...almost finished a doctoral program on plans. They keep me motivated with an end goal. I am not even totally sure what our end goal is now.

T minus two weeks until we leave the great Chicago and head east. I have now officially packed all dishes except for a pan or two and we are using the "disposable" ware, which we will wash and reuse as much as possible.

The house feels like a disaster zone and less and less like our place.

I've started my goodbyes--beginning with one of my best friends who is returning home to New Zealand as we speak.

The wife is beginning to feel the anxiety and has had trouble sleeping the past few nights.

It feels weird that we aren't starting another round of clomid this cycle. And even as we are taking a small break from the cycle of tww's, we cannot seem to get out of this pattern. Only, this time the tww involves moving and will go by more quickly than I want it to. I better go buy a box of Kleenex.

BFN. We are taking the next month or so off as we move across the country and figure out our next step.

Stop #7: wishbone. Still waiting to hear the results of the test. It's never taken this long before. WHY HAVENT THEY CALLED US YET?

#'s 4, 5, and 6 in our goodbye Chicago tour:
M-henrys for breakfast
Indian take-out from Indian garden
Cubs game (tonight! Yay beer and hot dogs)!!!

Boy. Chicagoans sure do eat a lot, huh?

In other news, I have been thinking a lot about how quickly our "waiting for the move" went. Although tww's have sucked a lot these past three months or so, they have taken our mind off of the move and have made the whole relocation-deal easier for us (well for me at least. I haven't exactly asked kb how it's affected her). And similarly, when I have needed my mind to be far away from ttc the most, I have had packing to occupy me. Distractions make life easier sometimes, I guess.

I should pack up my entire house more often

I found an unused target giftcard. Apparently I was saving it for something. I just can't remember what!

One month to go!

On Monday, I finished my contract at the university and now I am a FREE WOMAN (in terms of work that is :))! It feels so good to not be in the clinic anymore! I was so close to punching my boss in the face...about a dozen different times...good thing I didn't! So now, I am only working one part time gig. No more catering, no more statistical consulting, no more clients. From 80 hours to 25 hours a week...all in 24 hours! With the rest of my free time, the wife and I are saying a proper goodbye to Chicago by visiting all of our favorite places and all traditions (regardless of whether they are a favorite or not).

So far we did:
#1 Signature room on the top of the Hancock, followed by the Billy Goat Tavern
#2 Chicago Pride...enough said
#3 The Taste of Chicago

I wonder what #4 will be...

In other news, we most likely found renters. They have passed a credit check and are now reviewing the lease...which we sent them this morning. With any luck, it will be signed and returned, along with the first/last month's rent, tomorrow! Things are starting to wrap up real nicely!

Now if only we can make it through the second week of our tww!

IUI round two...ding ding ding.

We went in for the folly-check on Tuesday. 3 very mature follicles on the left, one possibly mature and one puny follicle on the right. 26mm, 25mm, 24mm, 17mm, and 12mm. Also, her LH was on the rise, meaning she was starting to ovulate. KB gave herself the triggershot that afternoon. Yesterday morning, she went in for IUI #1 of this month. Counts were good, 52 million at 69% post-thaw! It took 3 people to get it in her though! Apparently KB has a "crooked cervix" and if we ever have to go the IVF route, she will have to have her cervix dilated surgically every time they implant embryo's, because the poor little things are too fragile for KB's twisty cervix...so that was not fun information from the RE, and let's hope we never have to go that route!

IUI #2 of the cycle was this morning...also good counts: 50 million at 62% post-thaw. This time, the catheter slipped right in...who would have thought!

So we are back in the tww. This is the last tww in Chicago. And the last for at least a few months. I am still hopeful...but I am much less optimistic than in the past. I feel like my optimisim decreases with every month we get a BFN. Although, the good news, is that every month, we are one step closer and conditions are that much better...increasing in aggressiveness and in accuracy...that makes me feel better. Onward and Upward...towards the goal (I hope this is what the swimmers are also thinking!)...

Data problem fixed! I was able to re-download my data off the server and I fixed the program so that it would download all the variables (which means I don't have to re-enter them for each participant--which is great because that is 12,000 entries). I do have to redo some of my work (recoding some data and cleaning up the file)...but all in all, it looks like I lost about 5 hours of work. That isn't horrible. It could have been a lot LOT worse.

So pissed off I could SCREAM!

I have been hand entering some of my dissertation data into SPSS (a stats program) for a few days right now. And my computer decides to erase the fucking file AS SOON AS I'M DONE ENTERING IT!!!! Blamo. gone. I searched the whole damned computer...and almost threw it through a wall. So fucking pissed.

Status

cd2 of this cycle. It came pretty quick. Stopped the progesterone gel, and the next day my wife regrettedly greeted AF. She went in for her baseline stuff today...and apparently they want us back in on cd10 for a folly-check, and most likely a trigger shot. Originally (last month) they had said they would probably have us come in earlier during this cycle because KB responded so well to the clomid and they would want to trigger sooner. Now they are saying "there is no way to tell from month to month if you will respond the same way to clomid, so it's better to just come in on day 10." I wish someone would get their story straight! This is the kind of conflicting information that we keep getting and that I find to be extremely frustrating. And what is worse, is that this means I won't be there for the IUI's. Most likely they will be occurring on day 11 and 12, and I will be at work on those days. There is no way out of working those days either, considering I have only 6 days left at that job. This sucks. I hate not being there at possible-conception. It makes me feel more removed from the process....like I am not needed for us to conceive (which logically I know is true...but I don't like it any more). That said, we don't want to skip a cycle just because I can't be there. Especially not after already paying $300 for today's work and the $200 vial of sperm they are holding ransom from last month's leftovers. So if my calendar is correct, we will be testing on July 6th. And this month (knock on wood) I am going to strongly advocate for no HPT's. We can just wait for the doctor's verdict and not ruin our 4th of July weekend.

No injectibles for us. At least not now. The whole proposition of injectibles had me thinking. There seems to be a lack of communication on all fronts. For instance, did the nurse ask the doc before suggesting injectibles,especially considering that kb produced 7 follicles on clomid? Why did we not know prior to pursuing iui that there was an upper-limit on how many follicles you can produce and still have them do the procedure? Why did the nurse not even know we were on clomid last round? How come I haven't heard a damned thing from our actual RE? And why did the nurse seem to believe frozen sperm could last for a few days? That is contradictory to everything I have read. I feel like the swimmers were all dead before the egg was released. They should have done two iui's like they usually do, but they were scared about the chances of multiples. So I am angry. I'm actually angry enough to find a new RE. But we are only here 6 more weeks. So once more with this RE and then we will be looking for a new one in central Massachusetts. Let's hope we don't need to. And if we do, let's hope they are better about communicating with us than is our current RE.

I don't get it

7 follicles.
Progesterone suppositories.
Uterine cramps.
Implantation bleeding (or so we thought)
But still not pregnant.

I was so sure this time.
And now the doctor is recommending injectibles.
I wonder how much that will cost.
I wonder when this will happen for us.

Honestly?

What are we doing to ourselves? So this morning we fell to temptation and tested. Of course it was a BFN because it is only 12dpiui and probably 11dpo. Not to mention I think today is around cd23...which means we still have another few days until we hit KB's normal cycle length anyways. Our bloodtest is Friday...and I can't promise we won't test tomorrow...it is just so tempting...especially when we have had VERY VERY promising signs. I will be shocked if we are not pregnant this month...I swear that light pink spotting was implantation...perfect timing, coupled with little uterine poke sensations...what else could it possibly be?

Implantation bleeding?

So KB has noticed a little light pink streak yesterday and today. That, coupled with poking sensations off and on over the past five days and we are dying to test. But we are waiting until Thursday. And Friday is our blood test at the RE. I have a good feeling about this month and I think the wife does too but she doesn't want to say for sure because she is afraid of jinxing it. 36 hours folks.

Getting things done fast!

Talk about quick...we found a place to live on Friday, and our only gripe is that there is no dishwasher...but there is plenty of space. Yesterday (Sunday), KB and I worked at one of our part-time gigs (cater-waitering), and on our way there, I looked up items for sale on Craigslist, just out of curiousity. I found several portable dishwasher's for sale--you know, the kind you fasten to your sink. We purchased a dishwasher on our way home that night, for half the price of the same model new. And the dishwasher we bought was used for less than a year. Problem solved. Well...almost. The previous owner forgot to give me the attachment for the faucet...so I have to stop by on my way home from work as well. But now, we have a dishwasher...could life get any better?

We found our house in Massachusetts! The landlords are great. The rent is way cheaper than we expected. I can walk to work on days I don't have to travel to jails or courts. We are close to the main restaurant street in town. It has a yard. It is perfect! And we move in in 7 weeks. Me, the wife, the dog, the cat, and our blastcyst hopefuls!

Fake out

I'm sitting in the airport as I write. We are on our way to Worcester and are determined to find our next home. KB's mom dropped us off at the airport this morning. We spent the night with them last night after dropping off the furbaby--who loves grandma more than he loves us. Given the choice, he will choose her. She spoils him! I can't even begin to imagine how she will spoil her first grandbaby one day! It was a tiring night. She doesn't know we are ttc, and we are trying to keep it that way. But it is hard because she is super-observant and she knows what she's looking for--she is a retired OBGYN nurse (also my mom is a neo-natal icu nurse and my younger sister is a pediatric nurse--so we are set but also have to be über-good at faking them all out--it's like living with a bunch of psychics--only we don't live with them and none can read palms)! Here was yesterday's synopsis:

KB was very tired all day-- we blamed that on no sleep the previous night.
No alcohol at dinner--"why would I want alcohol when I'm quite tired already?!"
I was crocheting a stuffed pink pig--KB's mom thought they were booties and we laughed it off and made pregnancy jokes followed by a quick (but not too quick) explanation that I am making stuffed animals for neices and a nephew we will be seeing this summer.
KB was moody all night-so I made fun of her like a good insensitive wife.
We had to hide the wrapper to the progesterone suppository (it's currently in the wife's bag)
No coffee this morning (apparently the wife can't stomach coffee for a few hours in the morning)
An incredibly burpy wife--blame it on the Italian food.
A very pale wife--well that's the anemia of course!!!

God I am exhausted. But I think the fake out worked. Not too many more I hope! I don't know how much more of this I can take! I need a nap!

Starting to feel anxious...

So we move to Massachusetts in 7 1/2 weeks. Totally excited, but also totally starting to feel the anxiety. The friend that we thought was going to rent with us just found out that the hiring decision she is waiting on just got pushed back again, and now we feel like we can't wait for that to happen because it would be too close to our move date to find another renter. So now we are looking for someone to rent our place. This stresses me out.

We are excited about this month's IUI and can't wait for the result on June 12th. And at the same time, with all of the mature follicles KB had, we are a little nervous at the prospect of having higher order multiples and having to make decisions regarding selective reduction (if we are pregnant, and if there are more than three hanging out in there). This makes me nervous.

And finally, leaving the place that has only just started to feel like home, and moving to a new city where we know nobody and may in fact be pregnant...to a lot of unknowns and uncertainties...this stresses me out as well.

However, that said, my wife and I are confident that we can make it through pretty much anything together, and we are as prepared as we can be. The pieces will all fall into place, hopefully sooner rather than later, but we are certain that everything will work out. After all, we just so happened to meet each other at the right times in both of our lives, we just so happened to fall in love, we just so happened to move-in together at a perfect time for the two of us, and all of the challenges that came with those events were easily endured and eventually overcome. We have fought our way through financial frugality to pay off credit cards, pay for a wedding, buy a new car, pay for fertility treatments, and save a large chunk of change for next year's bills. We have dealt with minor health issues and have persevered. So come on life, bring it. We are prepared, and confident that it will work out well for us...even if we are anxious right now.

Update

the good news is that we can't test until at least the 8th of June (that will be 11dpiui)because of the effects of the trigger shot. So we really just have to sit back and relax. The other good news is that the sperm count for today's IUI was 35 million with a 56% post-thaw mobility. Also great numbers for frozen sperm. The other great news is that we had 7 follicles with at least 5 of them being mature...which also increases the odds. And lastly, while there is a chance of multiples, the chances of higher order multiples are still only 5% because KB is 35. Wonderful wonderful news. Like I said before, I'm shooting for one baby, but if we had twins (or as far as triplets for that matter) I would be absolutely fine with that. :) Yay for KB's 35th Birthday. We go in on june 12th at 7am for our pregnancy test. I can't wait. In the meantime, we have a trip to Boston to look for housing...that should keep us busy!

Finger's crossed folks. We head in for our IUI in 2 hours. I got to give KB a shot in the belly last night (she's needle-phobic)...that was fun. She felt a sharp pain on her left side last night...which is great. If that was ovulation, we are happy it was that side, there were 4 follicles on that side and the largest of all the follicle's was also a lefty. Let's hope the other side did not release...she didn't feel anything and those follicles were much smaller...so chances are good.

I gave KB's uterus a pep-talk last night, today is her 35th birthday, which is the only reason the doctors agreed to do the IUI (because the risk of multiples with 5 mature follicles is not as high if you are 35 or over; they won't do an insemination with more than 4 follicles if you are 34). We got lucky with timing here. At first we had agreed this would be KB's 33rd birthday and that she would be going backwards from now on, like benjamin button. But now we are happily celebrating the fact that she is 35...otherwise it would have been $1000 down the tube for nothing this cycle. This cycle is still way more expensive than all others in the past...close to 2k thanks to the progesterone suppositories and crappy health insurance that doesn't pay a dime of fertility/prescriptions. Can you believe $600 for 6 weeks of progesterone suppositories? Ridiculous.

This morning I treated my beautiful 35year-old wife and her 5-7 (we aren't sure how many were mature) follicles to breakfast-in-bed. Some delicious "mexican eggs" blackcherry yogurt, red raspberry leaf tea, and a square of chocolate. A little healthy, a little delicious...starting these kids off right!

Let the next two weeks come by quickly!

My nightmare of a day

So it turns out that it wasn't five mature follicles but rather 7. And most doctors won't inseminate with that many because of the chance of conceiving multiples. We have been on the phone all afternoon trying to figure out what we can do, because I hate the prospect of a missed cycle. At first we don't consistently produce follicles and now we produce too many. The doctors have agreed to do the procedure with an understanding that we know the risk of selective reduction should we conceive more than three (that is the number my wife and I are willing to go forward with). And we have to give ourselves the trigger shot tonight. One problem: we don't have that prescription and can't get ahold of the nurse. So we are still in limbo, but it looks like this cycle won't be for naught. And with this many follicles it is our best chance so far. Not to mention we probably had multiple follicles last month as well. We just didn't know it because we didn't look at an ultrasound in past months. And we didn't get pregnant then. So what is all this fuss about? I wonder if clomid can have an additive effect for every month you are on it. Maybe I should ask the RE tomorrow.

Who knew there could be even more emotional stress when you get doctors involved. I thought it would reduce stress. Silly me.

Tiny colonies

We had our RE appointment this morning to check on KB's follicles. There were seven of them! Five of the seven were mature! One was a whopping 24.5 mm! Awesome. But also yikes. Our bloodwork should come back later today and we will find out when we go for our triggershot and first iui!

In unrelated news, I also am growing a colony... Of knots in the muscle around my right shoulderblade. Can't turn my neck, hunch my shoulders or breathe without severe pain. The pain is so bad I can't drive. And right now I am home and condemned to the couch. I might need to go to a masseuse to work these knots out. I can't get any work done this way.

So yay for the wife's colony but boo for mine. I have to go. It hurts to type.

Apathy

What can I say, I have hit that point of the year (and probably of graduate school in general) where I am just extremely apathetic and am procrastinating everything. I really cannot wait for this move, because it might be just what I need to kick my butt in gear. Yes, I am up-to-date on my clinic paperwork...even though I could be ahead by beginning my clients' termination reports...but still, I am up-to-date. Yes, I am where I need to be with moving stuff (thanks to the lovely wife). I am up-to-date on my consulting job. I have finished collecting my dissertation data (at least the part I am using for the dissertation/defense). I have started to clean up the data file...so why, oh why, can I not just analyze my data?!!!!! Honestly, it will only take a few more hours of cleaning up the file, merging a few files, and creating some variables...we are talking maybe 10 hours of syntax and I could see the results of over a year's worth of work...but I just don't have the energy.

My dear, dear, dissertation advisor (whom I actually do like quite a bit) reminded me today that I should really get as much done as possible before the move. And he is right. I have 8 weeks...if I can at least just get my data analyzed, that would be good. Once I arrive in Massachusetts, I have a month before I begin, I could easily get a first and maybe second draft of a results/discussion section completed...but I am just so so so tired. I miss free-time. It has taken me 5 years to say this...but there you have it.

Dear dissertation advisor also is pressuring me (or encouraging me in a strong way) to apply for the ABCT student research award...because apparently I need one more thing to throw onto the table right now. Please, if I can't even get my data analyzed, do you really think I can handle that? I'd rather crochet more stuffed animals, thank you very much (animals to be posted soon)...

Homemade ice cream and sweet potato casserole

I read on some online folklore pregnancy site that there are some natural ways of increasing ovulation. Our RE says that it can't hurt, but he doesn't think it will help either. I figure, if it can't hurt, why not...at the very least it is something fun to do together on my only day off for a while. So today we bought all the necessary ingredients for homemade ice cream and for sweet potato casserole. Apparently both dairy and sweet potatoes increase the chances of having fraternal twins (which obviously means increasing ovulation...and hey...if we end up with fraternal twins...fantastic, I have several sets of twins in my family...so I'm all for it). So that is the new thing we are adding this month. It gives us something to focus on while we are in this laborious ttc journey (plus I really love homemade iced cream...and I enjoy the arm workout I get from churning it).

And for the update, today is cd7 and our last day of clomid. Tomorrow starts estradiol for 5 days. Thursday is our follicle u/s and hopefully hcg trigger.

And in completely unrelated news...the best news of all in fact...is that I don't have to see my boss at the clinic until June 1st. She is gone this week. So if I am not busy, I can close my door to the office and crochet stuffed animals instead of cataloging a bunch of bullshit in the clinic library that nobody uses. Life is good. :)

I always find it funny when I hear that people hate the first tww in their cycle. We are cd5 today. I haven't so much as glimpsed at the wife's temp charts (she is doing them on the computer now though, so it is harder to "glimpse"). And I love this half of every month...especially now that I am not stressed about predicting ovulation. I now pay our RE for that...thank you very much...no more pseudo-gynocologist for me! Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I have a problem checking the wife for fertile signs, but I really just don't need to see her cervix every day...makes things so clinical! So now is the time when we just sit back and enjoy our stress-free wait until we ovulate...afterall, no risk yet, we haven't inseminated so there is nothing to be stressed about. I also find that I get most of my work done during this half of the cycle. Despite my resolution to be zen-like and not check forums 100 times a day during the second half, I still do it...and I am not sure there is a cure for this. So, this is when the paperwork and dissertation work gets done. I don't see much of my wife...but I see plenty of her during the second half while I am obsessing...but it balances out (even though I really would not mind being with her all of the time...in a non-co-dependent, I-just-like-my-wife-and-she-is-my-best-friend kind of way).

AF has ended...two more days of clomid. followed by 5 of estradiol. We go to the RE on Thursday for follicle u/s and possibly (fingers crossed) an HCG-Trigger shot. Hopefully we will be inseminating on my wife's 35th (I mean 33rd birthday...we have decided she is the new benjamin button)...that would be a great time...insemination on the wife's 35th and it would be due on my 29th birthday. who could ask for better timing? Come on universe...do your thing...after all, we are good people. We pay our taxes, volunteer, donate to charity, and love animals...isn't it our turn for some good karma?

4 was always her lucky number

The weather was great yesterday! We sat outside at a neighborhood pub and I had my first "outside summer beer" of the year. This is when living in Chicago is great. KB joined me, drinking a beer for a change...the last and only beer she will be drinking this month. While enjoying our beverages, the wife announced that this would also be her last visit from AF for the next year. She's putting that energy out there. And 4 was always a lucky number for her...so universe, how about some consistency? We are going to put out the positive vibes and manifest what we want...your job is to be receptive, you got that?

No more doubts. No more worrying. Just confidence that this will happen for us...and this will be the time it does.

In more specific ttc-news, we were cleared for take-off yesterday morning by the RE. KB's ultrasound went well. No ovarian cysts or anything abnormal. So today starts the clomid (cd3)...and next Thursday we go in for a follow up "follicle check" u/s and bloodwork. It's time to start cooking up a baby.

BFN and retail therapy...

At first when we read of some fellow ttc-bloggers purchasing something for their not-yet-conceived child after each BFN, we thought that would be torture for us...but alas, we have reached the point in our ttc journey where it is quite therapeutic. It keeps me focused on the future and holding on to optimism, that it will somehow and in some way happen for us one day. So after a dissappointing BFN, the wife and I spent some quality time at target. We got a few really cute onesies, some soft shoes with giraffes on them, a dinosaur hooded towel, and a zip-up sweatshirt. We went a little overboard, but it was worth it. And so far, all of our baby stuff is stuff that I made...

I confess I also stopped at the fabric store yesterday and bought enough fabric to make a few pairs of baby shorts, a shirt, and two sleepers. I also bought some yarn and am currently crocheting a monkey stuffed animal...to be followed in the next several months by a lion, giraffe, and maybe a turtle. A little overboard, huh? We basically just jumped ship!

To Bigger and Better Things

I hesitate to even begin writing this, because even the first sentence feels like I am giving up hope and heading down that path of being "infertile." Today continues to be depressing. All I have been doing at work is looking at last-ditch pregnancy hope posts on-line. What the fuck am I doing to myself?

I just got off the phone with the wife. We had originally planned on 2 more medicated at-home inseminations. So far we have done 3. And we have already spent about $3000 when all is said and done. I don't want to be that couple who is writing about their infertility for the next several years. I want to be successful NOW...as I am sure we all do. Am I throwing away $600 a month inseminating at home? Why not pay a little extra ($1200) and up the chances of conceiving? It hasn't been set in stone yet, but I think we are considering moving up a notch in our aggressiveness. I think it's time to do IUI's with triggers. It won't be cheap, and our insurance won't contribute a dime. But it is only money in the long run...and we have it sitting in our "what if" savings account....even thinking about touching that makes the financial freak inside my head SCREAM...but that's okay. I guess I'll just have to tell him to shut the fuck up.

As my wife says, "It's time to get back in the saddle."
Let's hope that saddle is securely fastened and the horse is fast.

And so so stupid

I feel like a fool. This whole week, I have been feeling like this might be it--maybe this is the time it takes and we are actually pregnant. There weren't a lot of symptoms (that couldn't be explained by prometrium)...but there were a few that I thought were sure indicators. KB had a temp dip at 6dpo (which we thought was implantation) and little twinges around 7 and 9dpo (which we thought was also implantation). These are not things she has ever felt before...or maybe I should reframe this. These are not things she has ever NOTICED before. Were they there all along? Whatever the story is, this feels like a weird twisted joke. Thanks a fucking lot mother nature. Your "pregnancy symptom mimicing period symptoms" game is a blast.

KB had a temp drop this morning...not just a few points...but a drastic drop...from 98.44 to 97.48. Or somewhere thereabouts. That's almost a whole fucking degree. And last night she said she felt like her period was coming. Today is cd26. 13dpo. KB's cycles are typically 26 days long, and she for surely ovulated on cd12...so naturally, tomorrow would be D-Day. So how long do we delay her period with the prometrium and hold on to false hope? The test this morning was negative. That coupled with the fact that she had such a huge temperature drop...I think it's conclusive. We aren't pregnant (again) this month. I could have bought that scooter I always wanted with the money we've wasted by now! And I know it isn't a "waste" per say, but I feel like this whole thing is stupid. And our fucking government won't allow equal rights to the likes of us, so once again, the hetero's are privileged with their anatomy and free baby-making ingredients, while I have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars because our health insurance won't cover fertility.

We are waiting until Sunday to test for the final time before inducing the period. I am not in the least bit optimistic. I just want to see the final BFN and move along to next month...where this whole emotional hell-i-coaster starts all over.

Stupid for thinking this was it.

So So Weak...

First thing this morning, KB informs me that she hasn't peed in 12 hours, and today is 12dpo. We told ourselves we wouldn't test until 15dpo because most people don't get accurate results when they test early. We told ourselves we'd be strong. But we broke-down. And we tested. And the universe scolded us. The test was a dud. The control line did not even show up until 10 minutes after the test was initiated. So, while according to the test, we aren't pregnant yet...we can't put much stock in that test anyway...it wasn't working properly. And now my emotions are all over the place. Regardless of whether that negative mark was false or not...I wasn't prepared to see it. This is what we get for testing early. Lesson learned. No more testing until Sunday. And if we still get a negative on 15dpo, we will wait till 17dpo (tuesday) just to be sure and then we will discontinue the prometrium and let the period begin.

The hard thing is that Clomid has been known to mess with dw's cycles. So, while normally, she would have her period at cd26 (14dpo), we have had some cycles where it did not come until a week later (21dpo). What if she implanted late and there is just not enough hormone for HPT's to detect? I really don't want to discontinue the prometrium and miscarry something that might be there. And the freak out continues...

11 dpo. CAN WE TEST YET?!!!!! I wish it were Sunday already.

10 dpo. I have a confession, I have been looking at baby gear online while at work for the past few days. The wife thinks it is bad luck and that I am just getting my hopes up. I keep telling her that what's done is done. Me looking at baby stuff is not going to make her unpregnant if she has an egg implanting. And honestly, I am feeling fine and rather zen today. Now this may change tomorrow. But for the most part, I find that looking at baby stuff helps me to pass any downtime until we test again. And considering that I am up-to-date on my paperwork and two clients cancelled yesterday, I have a lot of downtime lately. So I've been looking. But now I am stopping because the wife thinks it is bad baby karma. It's okay. I've already designed the room at this point and picked out everything from cloth diapers to breast pumps. What else is there to do now anyway?! What do you all think about wild animals and a jungle theme?

Written Evaluation

I received my last written evaluation in my mailbox this afternoon. For the most part it was pretty good. It praised my clinical skills. The one part that I completely disagree with is my "mood at work." It is no secret that I don't really love my supervisor and think she's a moron. The woman can't remember a conversation that has occurred more than 5 times...and she constantly makes my workload redundant. Not to mention, she often reads into things and assumes that I and other colleagues are having reactions to clients, when in fact what we are reacting to is her. About 2 months ago we actually sat down and talked. I let her know that I am tired of being pigeon-holed as "the gay therapist" and tired of her assuming that I have a reaction anytime somebody with a lisp walks by or there is a slightly dikey haircut roaming around. She, in turn, turned that conversation back on me and I learned that I am not going to be able to handle conflict directly with her anymore...so instead...I went into maintenance mode and am doing what I need to get by and get out of there. 7 more weeks on my freakin contract. 7 more weeks until I never have to listen to her while she has difficulty putting sentences together.

Of course my mood affects the work environment PT*. All of our moods affect the work environment. And funny, what we all have in common, is the fact that we CAN'T STAND YOU. So maybe it isn't my mood that needs changing...maybe a change of personnel is needed. It's no wonder she didn't get tenure at the university she was at before this. She barely works (probably is in the office 20 hours a week...chatting with the receptionist most of the time) and she has some sort of cognitive deficit that is impairing both her memory and her ability.

I wish I could write her an evaluation. In fact, I might do one just for the fun of it and keep it to myself. Or maybe I will post it here...in the anonymity that is the internet.

*Initials changed to those of her nickname to protect her identity, although I don't know why I bother.

8 dpo and going strong

kel had a temperature dip 2 days ago (6dpo) and then it spiked back up yesterday. Dropped a little today, but not much...still high for her. I'm wondering if the dip was implantation. She also felt some uterine pinches yesterday. One more week and we will find out! I am going to plan some things to make this week busy...I'm already obsessing about the temp dip. I'm going to keep on hoping!

7 dpo

Today is the last day of our first week of waiting. It's gone by slowly...and I have had my crazy moments...but not even a fraction of the crazy that I had during past tries. Maybe it's because there is so much else to concentrate on right now...the move...KB's forced vacation...finishing up at the University...winding down with clients...lots to do. However, this next week, despite all I have to do, will go by even more slowly and be even more painful. I hate 2ww. I hate it so much. Everything is a sign that we are or are not pregnant. It can be the same symptom for both sides of the coin and our symptoms are not real...they are caused by progesterone...why do I keep forgetting this? Maybe it's because I am in denial. Or maybe it's because I have a hard time of letting go of hope. No matter how much I try to be realistic, I am always going to hope. Afterall, it would be weird if I was trying so hard to get my wife pregnant but had no hope of it succeeding!
The good news is KB's temps came back up to "normal elevation" today. They dipped down a little yesterday morning. I think it was just a fluke...like maybe she slept with the covers off or something. Who knows. It seems that ttc is really just a crapshoot anyway.

yeah...it's for real

KB is in a meeting, being laid off as we speak. I was freaking out a little yesterday (although I maintained a calm and collected outward appearance, of course). However, today...I think we are both fine with it. It's the universe's way of telling us that KB is meant to do something else with her life (which we already knew) and now we can concentrate on the things that matter. Plus, now KB won't be voluntarily leaving her job in two months, so we qualify for unemployment and reduced cost COBRA. Hey...you know what? This is actually starting to look pretty good!

Well now there is something to think about. KB just called and she thinks she might be getting laid off tomorrow. She got an email from her boss, addressed only to her, stating that her attendance is required at a mandatory meeting in the conference room tomorrow at 9 am. Perfect fucking timing.

4dpo and totally obsessing

But not about pregnancy symptoms because I CAN'T thanks to PROMETRIUM! Right now KB is throwing off every pregnancy symptom in the book. Why? Because progesterone is the hormone that causes that and she is on that until 15dpo at the very least (but hopefully we will get a bfp and she will have to stay on it for a while).

So instead I am obsessing about everything baby. I think I have already designed our entire nursery in my head. KB says I plan ahead too much. But it's the only thing I can do to keep me from alternating between tears of frustration and rage about not being pregnant yet. Plus, I have a second job where I am a part-time receptionist at a hair salon and basically sit at a desk all day playing with my iPhone. What else is there to fill my time? Wardrobe planning is next. 11 more days of this.

2 dpo...yes I am counting

Today I had 5 clients back to back for a total of 7 hours in session...and a few minutes in-between each to try and write up notes/reports/check emails. So it was busy...which is good because I don't think about babies...until the madness ends and I am back to counting the days.

I also made an on-line friend today who lives in the city that the wife and I are moving to in less than 3 months. Yay friends! This is especially cool, because we know nobody within 200 miles AND they are also a lesbian-couple who is trying to conceive their first child...and if that wasn't enough...one of them is working on a PhD! So there are a lot of basic things in common, and perhaps a lot of shared experiences. And we might get together when KB and i go look for a place to live.

Why do I feel like we are being set up on a couples blind date? "I'll be the one dressed in black with a red rose and a copy of the great gadsby..."

Bon Anniversaire

Today is our 1-year wedding anniversary, which makes us no longer newly-weds. Wouldn't it be a great story if we conceived the same weekend as our wedding anniversary?! (insert a really long sigh here)

1dpo. 14 more to go. I have never before wished the busy workweek would come faster...

And yet another tww begins

It is so hard to walk the line between optimism and realism. Every tww I tell myself I am not going to get my hopes up, and every tww I fail. Today is day one of this tww and I already am finding myself feeling some compassion for what individuals with bipolar go through (although my mood swings are much less intense and rapid cycling). One minute I am picturing my pregnant wife and I walking down the neighborhood strip talking about baby. The next minute I have visions of the two of us in our old age, childless and living with a thousand fury creatures.

And I am also vacillating between feeling like I was a good gynocologist this month and doubting everything. What if all the sperm falls out? What if they can't get through the cervix due to hostile mucous? What if our timing was off? What if all the sperm die before they reach the golden Mecca? What if I poked too far into the cervix and kb gets an infection? What if I got air into her uterus? And worst of all...what if kb does not get pregnant but somehow i do because i was handling the goods and also am currently ovulating (i realize this is completely irrational)? And the list goes on and on.

Oh boy. I'm in for a long two weeks. I need to find more activities to fill whatever freetime I have.

Oh ye of little faith

KB just texted me to tell me that we are definitely close to ovulation...guess I spoke too soon about the EWCM thing...WOOHOO! At least now we still have two vials left for this highly fertile time!

Fourth time's a charm

After my freakout yesterday, we decided to get a fourth vial...just to be safe. If I were the one carrying this time around, this would be much easier, because my reproductive system works like clockwork...almost to the hour...and ovulation is very easy to predict, based on physical changes. But alas, KB has a much trickier cycle (shorter and not always the same number of days each month) and clomid is a cruel cruel fertility drug. I don't even know why we use OPK's...they never show up...and EWCM--what EWCM? It doesn't exist thanks to clomid.

So, armed with our 4th vial and some fantastic pre-seed, we truck along...every 36 hours. Let's see how this works..

Too Early?

So now, I feel like we insemed too early. Although, early is better than late...it isn't if there isn't any EWCM up there to keep the swimmers alive! I HATE I HATE I HATE CLOMID. It really messes up KB's cycles and makes this whole game a lot less predictable and scientific...and I like things to be scientific...it gives me peace of mind and less ambiguity.

We are going to get some Pre-seed I think, perhaps that will help if KB is not going to produce any EWCM of her own...and maybe, just maybe we are ovulating late this month...despite the cervical position and ovary "tinges." We have yet to obtain a positive OPK (although our last round of clomid we never got one either).

Now I am thinking of maybe getting two more vials after the next two are done. That's what straight couples do, isn't it? They just have sex more to increase their chances.

I didn't think this would happen this ttc/tww cycle...but it has. I AM GOING CRAZY HERE! I think I need some B-12 tablets to get my stress under control. How is it that I am more stressed out about this than KB? After all, she is the one carrying (soon hopefully)...AAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

Showtime

Tonight is night number one of three insems (because we are over-zealous)! KB's temp dipped this morning and since we cannot count on a reliable LH surge due to wonderful clomid, we figure we'd rather be a little early than late. Plus we got three vials this month. Not quite EWCM, but almost. And KB felt "twinges" in both ovaries last night (which is typical for her). So come on new donor! Let's do this!

On another-but not entirely unrelated-note, I held an infant for a few minutes at work today. I am not sure if this is good or bad luck yet. I haven't decided. I guess we will find out in two to two and a half weeks. WOOHOO!

Adding to the regimen

So we are now adding to our regimen. We have been reading a lot about clomid thickening ewcm and making it diificult for sperm to get through the cervix. The good news is that over-the-counter remedies have been shown to help. So we are going to try robitussin, beleive it or not. And we are also adding evening of primrose oil and eliminating dairy and citrus fruits. We should have started the robo yesterday according to most sites. But we figure better late than never. The last thing we want is a hostile sperm environment. I wanna make them as comfortable as possible. Maybe I should bake some cookies and wrap them in a warm fuzzy blanket! :)

Last Hoorah and thank you clomid...

Yesterday, the wife and I joined a friend for some drinks, and our last hoorah before starting the whole ttc process again. And Yesterday was also cd7, otherwise known as day 5 of clomid. Usually, the "clomid crazies" don't kick in for KB until after she is actually done taking the medication, while it works it's way through the system for a few weeks. I think we saw a glimpse of them early this time though.

Let's just say that once again, there were tears...and once again, the tears were about our poor elderly cat who is oh-so-terrorized by our dog.

One piece of advice for all partners of clomid users...meditate during the clomid crazy weeks, and never let your wife drink alcohol while she is on clomid...because the interaction seems to create lots of tears. Thank goodness this was the last hoorah and we will not be drinking in between our cycles from here on out (pregnant or not)....

I just hope I don't have to go through yet another month of clomid after this one!

Baby Daddy Drama

So we called our spermbank to make our order for next week, and OF COURSE our sperm donor that we liked and have already been using is no longer available. That threw a major wrench into our plans. Well...maybe not a major wrench...but I really didn't want to have to pick another perfect donor. The good news is, we picked a new one in a matter of hours...apparently he also has super-sperm and has several offspring...which is fine with us. At least we know that we will have a higher chance of pregnancy with the super-swimmers. So at-home insem happens next week...should be a crazy week. KB will be smack dab in the middle of tech week for a play she is in...and the clomid always makes for a fun time (she says sarcastically)...

Come on super sperm!

You want us to put that where?

We had our appointment with the RE 9 days ago...and we are now on a fun "series" of baby-making drugs...I say "we" because even though I don't physically have to choke them down, I will have to deal with their side effects in less direct ways. :)

KB started day one of Clomid this morning. Day 8, she switches from Clomid to Estradiol, followed by progesterone following ovulation (if we can figure out exactly when that is...which we will probably not be able to do considering Clomid is a mindf*ck). So there is the cocktail. On top of that, we are continuing the prenatals (of course) and I got KB some Red Rasberry Leaf Tea to help thicken the uterine lining (it can't hurt, right?). And since she typically is low on iron, she is now swallowing some delicious liquid iron in the morning.

The best part about KB's cocktail, is the pharmacy mess up. So KB went to pick up the drugs last week, and learned that the progesterone suppositories were going to cost us $400...and we decided that we weren't paying that much for a "just in case" drug when we don't actually know that she needs this. KB called her RE and said this was not doable. So he called the pharmacy and had them switch that and the estradiol to oral pills. But the pharmacy decided to keep the former instructions that stated, "insert vaginally" and printed that on the bottle.

So, because KB started getting confused and second-guessed her recall for what the doctor instructed her, she went back to the pharmacy and asked them if these were the correct instructions...to which they replied, "no, you take those pills orally." So KB answered, "then why does it say to take them vaginally? Shouldn't you have updated the directions when my RE changed the prescription?" The chick just walked away.

I'm sorry, but what if she had inserted them vaginally and something bad had happened or they just didn't work and she wasted money and time this go-around for nothing? Couldn't we have had some sort of pharmaceutical malpractice suit? Isn't it their job to make sure the directions are correct on the labels? You would think...wouldn't you...

Regardless...we have it all figured out and looks like we will be inseminating mid-next-week. We're going all out and doing three vials this month. It might be a little over-zealous, but Clomid makes Ovulation prediction rather difficult sometimes...and hey...straight couples often do it much more often when they are actively trying to get pregnant...so...why not up our chances?...this stuff is expensive...

Going for it.

Lots of decisions have been made in the past three weeks. Initially, we were going to put ttc on hold until our new health insurance (that covers fertilit) kicks in in November. Well...we've had a turn of events.

My wife hates her job. She has for a while. I have been encouraging her to quit and go back to school for her master's in Library Science...which she really wants to do. The problem is that her job pays well, and currently, it is what supports us.

I looked over our budget and projected surplus after July of 09 (which is when we move to the Boston area) and discovered that we will have more than enough in our nest-egg for her to not seek out a job in her current field once we arrive in New England. In fact...say she did not find a job for a year...we would be able to pay our rent for a year and then some (although we would be scraping by a little). So...worst case scenario...we would still manage. Therefore...we are trucking full-speed ahead...because our worst-case scenario is extremely unlikely...and it doesn't factor in my measly residency salary next year (which will help some)...and KB will find a job doing something...hell...she'd probably be happier working at a coffee shop than in her field!

Now that we have made that decision...it is okay for us to keep trying to get pregnant before we leave...we were previously afraid that if KB got pregnant right away...she would be showing and nobody would hire her. Now that she isn't going to be looking for a professional job...we don't care! Yippee!

We have an appointment with our fertility clinic a week from next Monday...just a consult. So far we have tried at home twice, on clomid. We were going to abandon the at home tries and have an RE do IUI, but alas, we have decided to chance it. We are going to try at home for another three cycles, on clomid (perhaps a higher dose than previous attempts) and if our RE permits it, an estradiol creme to follow the clomid. We think that the clomid thinned KB's lining last time, so this time, we would like to prevent that (hence the estradiol).

So here is to our new decisions! I feel good about this. Better than I have felt the entire past 6 months!

Life on hold...

It's been a while. Sorry. A lot has happened since my last post. We found out that I have been matched for my predoctoral clinical internship in Massachusetts. Since we currently live in Chicagoland...we are mixed about this information. Super excited to be moving to the Boston area...super sad to be leaving our family, friends, and home in Chicago.

That said, there are a ton of great things about going to Boston. We found an adorable little community in the suburbs that we love and will probably look to for house renting. My new health insurance plan at the hospital where I will be working, covers fertility...100% (minus an office co-pay)...including up to 5 rounds of in-vitro...for both me and my wife, who will be officially recognized in the great state of Massachusetts. So yeehaw! These are all great things...legally married, baby financed by my employment, internship that will most likely become a post-doc fellowship--and then a job, potential for a back-yard for our current dog (and according to the deal between me and my wife, a second dog!), a state and city full of history, a new place to explore together...lots and lots of good things.

But good things come at a cost. For us, there are a lot: moving--both in terms of finances and in terms of the terrible loneliness that could ensue, what to do with our condo?, putting baby off again...until the new health insurance kicks in, loss of KB's current job...and a search for a new one in a terrible time to be looking for a job, being away from family and good friends...probably permanently as we are looking at this as a "relocation."

We have been dealing with this news fairly well, all in all. There are sad days, of course, but they are becoming more and more few. At the moment, I feel like I am in limbo. Can we just go already? And even as I write that, I feel anxious about all the details that aren't taken care of yet. We leave in July. 4 months. That is a lot of time and also very little time...depending on what you are looking at. Too early to find a renter. Too early to find a place to live in Mass. Relatively early to begin packing (although we are starting this because we have nothing else to concentrate on). Not enough time left with family and friends.

KB already has a few interviews and some possibilities in Mass. The best part is that there is no rush with the interviews. We are going to fly to Boston in June to look for a place to live and KB can wait to interview until then. This means we more-than-likely will not be seperated during the move (i.e. KB going ahead for a few months). This is good. I don't like spending nights away from KB. It sounds stupid and "too dependent." But, really it is none of these things. She just happens to be my best friend, that's all. And I like her more than all of the rest of the people on this planet...so it sucks when we have to spend a day or two apart...

And even though the details are not yet taken care of...I just want to be there...not have to deal with the headache of the next four months of preparation...start a job that I am going to love and leave one that drives me bonkers (well...not the job actually...just the incompetent people I work with)...begin our exploring...I'm on the upswing of excitement again...LET'S JUST GO ALREADY!