Update

the good news is that we can't test until at least the 8th of June (that will be 11dpiui)because of the effects of the trigger shot. So we really just have to sit back and relax. The other good news is that the sperm count for today's IUI was 35 million with a 56% post-thaw mobility. Also great numbers for frozen sperm. The other great news is that we had 7 follicles with at least 5 of them being mature...which also increases the odds. And lastly, while there is a chance of multiples, the chances of higher order multiples are still only 5% because KB is 35. Wonderful wonderful news. Like I said before, I'm shooting for one baby, but if we had twins (or as far as triplets for that matter) I would be absolutely fine with that. :) Yay for KB's 35th Birthday. We go in on june 12th at 7am for our pregnancy test. I can't wait. In the meantime, we have a trip to Boston to look for housing...that should keep us busy!

Finger's crossed folks. We head in for our IUI in 2 hours. I got to give KB a shot in the belly last night (she's needle-phobic)...that was fun. She felt a sharp pain on her left side last night...which is great. If that was ovulation, we are happy it was that side, there were 4 follicles on that side and the largest of all the follicle's was also a lefty. Let's hope the other side did not release...she didn't feel anything and those follicles were much smaller...so chances are good.

I gave KB's uterus a pep-talk last night, today is her 35th birthday, which is the only reason the doctors agreed to do the IUI (because the risk of multiples with 5 mature follicles is not as high if you are 35 or over; they won't do an insemination with more than 4 follicles if you are 34). We got lucky with timing here. At first we had agreed this would be KB's 33rd birthday and that she would be going backwards from now on, like benjamin button. But now we are happily celebrating the fact that she is 35...otherwise it would have been $1000 down the tube for nothing this cycle. This cycle is still way more expensive than all others in the past...close to 2k thanks to the progesterone suppositories and crappy health insurance that doesn't pay a dime of fertility/prescriptions. Can you believe $600 for 6 weeks of progesterone suppositories? Ridiculous.

This morning I treated my beautiful 35year-old wife and her 5-7 (we aren't sure how many were mature) follicles to breakfast-in-bed. Some delicious "mexican eggs" blackcherry yogurt, red raspberry leaf tea, and a square of chocolate. A little healthy, a little delicious...starting these kids off right!

Let the next two weeks come by quickly!

My nightmare of a day

So it turns out that it wasn't five mature follicles but rather 7. And most doctors won't inseminate with that many because of the chance of conceiving multiples. We have been on the phone all afternoon trying to figure out what we can do, because I hate the prospect of a missed cycle. At first we don't consistently produce follicles and now we produce too many. The doctors have agreed to do the procedure with an understanding that we know the risk of selective reduction should we conceive more than three (that is the number my wife and I are willing to go forward with). And we have to give ourselves the trigger shot tonight. One problem: we don't have that prescription and can't get ahold of the nurse. So we are still in limbo, but it looks like this cycle won't be for naught. And with this many follicles it is our best chance so far. Not to mention we probably had multiple follicles last month as well. We just didn't know it because we didn't look at an ultrasound in past months. And we didn't get pregnant then. So what is all this fuss about? I wonder if clomid can have an additive effect for every month you are on it. Maybe I should ask the RE tomorrow.

Who knew there could be even more emotional stress when you get doctors involved. I thought it would reduce stress. Silly me.

Tiny colonies

We had our RE appointment this morning to check on KB's follicles. There were seven of them! Five of the seven were mature! One was a whopping 24.5 mm! Awesome. But also yikes. Our bloodwork should come back later today and we will find out when we go for our triggershot and first iui!

In unrelated news, I also am growing a colony... Of knots in the muscle around my right shoulderblade. Can't turn my neck, hunch my shoulders or breathe without severe pain. The pain is so bad I can't drive. And right now I am home and condemned to the couch. I might need to go to a masseuse to work these knots out. I can't get any work done this way.

So yay for the wife's colony but boo for mine. I have to go. It hurts to type.

Apathy

What can I say, I have hit that point of the year (and probably of graduate school in general) where I am just extremely apathetic and am procrastinating everything. I really cannot wait for this move, because it might be just what I need to kick my butt in gear. Yes, I am up-to-date on my clinic paperwork...even though I could be ahead by beginning my clients' termination reports...but still, I am up-to-date. Yes, I am where I need to be with moving stuff (thanks to the lovely wife). I am up-to-date on my consulting job. I have finished collecting my dissertation data (at least the part I am using for the dissertation/defense). I have started to clean up the data file...so why, oh why, can I not just analyze my data?!!!!! Honestly, it will only take a few more hours of cleaning up the file, merging a few files, and creating some variables...we are talking maybe 10 hours of syntax and I could see the results of over a year's worth of work...but I just don't have the energy.

My dear, dear, dissertation advisor (whom I actually do like quite a bit) reminded me today that I should really get as much done as possible before the move. And he is right. I have 8 weeks...if I can at least just get my data analyzed, that would be good. Once I arrive in Massachusetts, I have a month before I begin, I could easily get a first and maybe second draft of a results/discussion section completed...but I am just so so so tired. I miss free-time. It has taken me 5 years to say this...but there you have it.

Dear dissertation advisor also is pressuring me (or encouraging me in a strong way) to apply for the ABCT student research award...because apparently I need one more thing to throw onto the table right now. Please, if I can't even get my data analyzed, do you really think I can handle that? I'd rather crochet more stuffed animals, thank you very much (animals to be posted soon)...

Homemade ice cream and sweet potato casserole

I read on some online folklore pregnancy site that there are some natural ways of increasing ovulation. Our RE says that it can't hurt, but he doesn't think it will help either. I figure, if it can't hurt, why not...at the very least it is something fun to do together on my only day off for a while. So today we bought all the necessary ingredients for homemade ice cream and for sweet potato casserole. Apparently both dairy and sweet potatoes increase the chances of having fraternal twins (which obviously means increasing ovulation...and hey...if we end up with fraternal twins...fantastic, I have several sets of twins in my family...so I'm all for it). So that is the new thing we are adding this month. It gives us something to focus on while we are in this laborious ttc journey (plus I really love homemade iced cream...and I enjoy the arm workout I get from churning it).

And for the update, today is cd7 and our last day of clomid. Tomorrow starts estradiol for 5 days. Thursday is our follicle u/s and hopefully hcg trigger.

And in completely unrelated news...the best news of all in fact...is that I don't have to see my boss at the clinic until June 1st. She is gone this week. So if I am not busy, I can close my door to the office and crochet stuffed animals instead of cataloging a bunch of bullshit in the clinic library that nobody uses. Life is good. :)

I always find it funny when I hear that people hate the first tww in their cycle. We are cd5 today. I haven't so much as glimpsed at the wife's temp charts (she is doing them on the computer now though, so it is harder to "glimpse"). And I love this half of every month...especially now that I am not stressed about predicting ovulation. I now pay our RE for that...thank you very much...no more pseudo-gynocologist for me! Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I have a problem checking the wife for fertile signs, but I really just don't need to see her cervix every day...makes things so clinical! So now is the time when we just sit back and enjoy our stress-free wait until we ovulate...afterall, no risk yet, we haven't inseminated so there is nothing to be stressed about. I also find that I get most of my work done during this half of the cycle. Despite my resolution to be zen-like and not check forums 100 times a day during the second half, I still do it...and I am not sure there is a cure for this. So, this is when the paperwork and dissertation work gets done. I don't see much of my wife...but I see plenty of her during the second half while I am obsessing...but it balances out (even though I really would not mind being with her all of the time...in a non-co-dependent, I-just-like-my-wife-and-she-is-my-best-friend kind of way).

AF has ended...two more days of clomid. followed by 5 of estradiol. We go to the RE on Thursday for follicle u/s and possibly (fingers crossed) an HCG-Trigger shot. Hopefully we will be inseminating on my wife's 35th (I mean 33rd birthday...we have decided she is the new benjamin button)...that would be a great time...insemination on the wife's 35th and it would be due on my 29th birthday. who could ask for better timing? Come on universe...do your thing...after all, we are good people. We pay our taxes, volunteer, donate to charity, and love animals...isn't it our turn for some good karma?

4 was always her lucky number

The weather was great yesterday! We sat outside at a neighborhood pub and I had my first "outside summer beer" of the year. This is when living in Chicago is great. KB joined me, drinking a beer for a change...the last and only beer she will be drinking this month. While enjoying our beverages, the wife announced that this would also be her last visit from AF for the next year. She's putting that energy out there. And 4 was always a lucky number for her...so universe, how about some consistency? We are going to put out the positive vibes and manifest what we want...your job is to be receptive, you got that?

No more doubts. No more worrying. Just confidence that this will happen for us...and this will be the time it does.

In more specific ttc-news, we were cleared for take-off yesterday morning by the RE. KB's ultrasound went well. No ovarian cysts or anything abnormal. So today starts the clomid (cd3)...and next Thursday we go in for a follow up "follicle check" u/s and bloodwork. It's time to start cooking up a baby.

BFN and retail therapy...

At first when we read of some fellow ttc-bloggers purchasing something for their not-yet-conceived child after each BFN, we thought that would be torture for us...but alas, we have reached the point in our ttc journey where it is quite therapeutic. It keeps me focused on the future and holding on to optimism, that it will somehow and in some way happen for us one day. So after a dissappointing BFN, the wife and I spent some quality time at target. We got a few really cute onesies, some soft shoes with giraffes on them, a dinosaur hooded towel, and a zip-up sweatshirt. We went a little overboard, but it was worth it. And so far, all of our baby stuff is stuff that I made...

I confess I also stopped at the fabric store yesterday and bought enough fabric to make a few pairs of baby shorts, a shirt, and two sleepers. I also bought some yarn and am currently crocheting a monkey stuffed animal...to be followed in the next several months by a lion, giraffe, and maybe a turtle. A little overboard, huh? We basically just jumped ship!

To Bigger and Better Things

I hesitate to even begin writing this, because even the first sentence feels like I am giving up hope and heading down that path of being "infertile." Today continues to be depressing. All I have been doing at work is looking at last-ditch pregnancy hope posts on-line. What the fuck am I doing to myself?

I just got off the phone with the wife. We had originally planned on 2 more medicated at-home inseminations. So far we have done 3. And we have already spent about $3000 when all is said and done. I don't want to be that couple who is writing about their infertility for the next several years. I want to be successful NOW...as I am sure we all do. Am I throwing away $600 a month inseminating at home? Why not pay a little extra ($1200) and up the chances of conceiving? It hasn't been set in stone yet, but I think we are considering moving up a notch in our aggressiveness. I think it's time to do IUI's with triggers. It won't be cheap, and our insurance won't contribute a dime. But it is only money in the long run...and we have it sitting in our "what if" savings account....even thinking about touching that makes the financial freak inside my head SCREAM...but that's okay. I guess I'll just have to tell him to shut the fuck up.

As my wife says, "It's time to get back in the saddle."
Let's hope that saddle is securely fastened and the horse is fast.

And so so stupid

I feel like a fool. This whole week, I have been feeling like this might be it--maybe this is the time it takes and we are actually pregnant. There weren't a lot of symptoms (that couldn't be explained by prometrium)...but there were a few that I thought were sure indicators. KB had a temp dip at 6dpo (which we thought was implantation) and little twinges around 7 and 9dpo (which we thought was also implantation). These are not things she has ever felt before...or maybe I should reframe this. These are not things she has ever NOTICED before. Were they there all along? Whatever the story is, this feels like a weird twisted joke. Thanks a fucking lot mother nature. Your "pregnancy symptom mimicing period symptoms" game is a blast.

KB had a temp drop this morning...not just a few points...but a drastic drop...from 98.44 to 97.48. Or somewhere thereabouts. That's almost a whole fucking degree. And last night she said she felt like her period was coming. Today is cd26. 13dpo. KB's cycles are typically 26 days long, and she for surely ovulated on cd12...so naturally, tomorrow would be D-Day. So how long do we delay her period with the prometrium and hold on to false hope? The test this morning was negative. That coupled with the fact that she had such a huge temperature drop...I think it's conclusive. We aren't pregnant (again) this month. I could have bought that scooter I always wanted with the money we've wasted by now! And I know it isn't a "waste" per say, but I feel like this whole thing is stupid. And our fucking government won't allow equal rights to the likes of us, so once again, the hetero's are privileged with their anatomy and free baby-making ingredients, while I have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars because our health insurance won't cover fertility.

We are waiting until Sunday to test for the final time before inducing the period. I am not in the least bit optimistic. I just want to see the final BFN and move along to next month...where this whole emotional hell-i-coaster starts all over.

Stupid for thinking this was it.

So So Weak...

First thing this morning, KB informs me that she hasn't peed in 12 hours, and today is 12dpo. We told ourselves we wouldn't test until 15dpo because most people don't get accurate results when they test early. We told ourselves we'd be strong. But we broke-down. And we tested. And the universe scolded us. The test was a dud. The control line did not even show up until 10 minutes after the test was initiated. So, while according to the test, we aren't pregnant yet...we can't put much stock in that test anyway...it wasn't working properly. And now my emotions are all over the place. Regardless of whether that negative mark was false or not...I wasn't prepared to see it. This is what we get for testing early. Lesson learned. No more testing until Sunday. And if we still get a negative on 15dpo, we will wait till 17dpo (tuesday) just to be sure and then we will discontinue the prometrium and let the period begin.

The hard thing is that Clomid has been known to mess with dw's cycles. So, while normally, she would have her period at cd26 (14dpo), we have had some cycles where it did not come until a week later (21dpo). What if she implanted late and there is just not enough hormone for HPT's to detect? I really don't want to discontinue the prometrium and miscarry something that might be there. And the freak out continues...

11 dpo. CAN WE TEST YET?!!!!! I wish it were Sunday already.

10 dpo. I have a confession, I have been looking at baby gear online while at work for the past few days. The wife thinks it is bad luck and that I am just getting my hopes up. I keep telling her that what's done is done. Me looking at baby stuff is not going to make her unpregnant if she has an egg implanting. And honestly, I am feeling fine and rather zen today. Now this may change tomorrow. But for the most part, I find that looking at baby stuff helps me to pass any downtime until we test again. And considering that I am up-to-date on my paperwork and two clients cancelled yesterday, I have a lot of downtime lately. So I've been looking. But now I am stopping because the wife thinks it is bad baby karma. It's okay. I've already designed the room at this point and picked out everything from cloth diapers to breast pumps. What else is there to do now anyway?! What do you all think about wild animals and a jungle theme?

Written Evaluation

I received my last written evaluation in my mailbox this afternoon. For the most part it was pretty good. It praised my clinical skills. The one part that I completely disagree with is my "mood at work." It is no secret that I don't really love my supervisor and think she's a moron. The woman can't remember a conversation that has occurred more than 5 times...and she constantly makes my workload redundant. Not to mention, she often reads into things and assumes that I and other colleagues are having reactions to clients, when in fact what we are reacting to is her. About 2 months ago we actually sat down and talked. I let her know that I am tired of being pigeon-holed as "the gay therapist" and tired of her assuming that I have a reaction anytime somebody with a lisp walks by or there is a slightly dikey haircut roaming around. She, in turn, turned that conversation back on me and I learned that I am not going to be able to handle conflict directly with her anymore...so instead...I went into maintenance mode and am doing what I need to get by and get out of there. 7 more weeks on my freakin contract. 7 more weeks until I never have to listen to her while she has difficulty putting sentences together.

Of course my mood affects the work environment PT*. All of our moods affect the work environment. And funny, what we all have in common, is the fact that we CAN'T STAND YOU. So maybe it isn't my mood that needs changing...maybe a change of personnel is needed. It's no wonder she didn't get tenure at the university she was at before this. She barely works (probably is in the office 20 hours a week...chatting with the receptionist most of the time) and she has some sort of cognitive deficit that is impairing both her memory and her ability.

I wish I could write her an evaluation. In fact, I might do one just for the fun of it and keep it to myself. Or maybe I will post it here...in the anonymity that is the internet.

*Initials changed to those of her nickname to protect her identity, although I don't know why I bother.

8 dpo and going strong

kel had a temperature dip 2 days ago (6dpo) and then it spiked back up yesterday. Dropped a little today, but not much...still high for her. I'm wondering if the dip was implantation. She also felt some uterine pinches yesterday. One more week and we will find out! I am going to plan some things to make this week busy...I'm already obsessing about the temp dip. I'm going to keep on hoping!

7 dpo

Today is the last day of our first week of waiting. It's gone by slowly...and I have had my crazy moments...but not even a fraction of the crazy that I had during past tries. Maybe it's because there is so much else to concentrate on right now...the move...KB's forced vacation...finishing up at the University...winding down with clients...lots to do. However, this next week, despite all I have to do, will go by even more slowly and be even more painful. I hate 2ww. I hate it so much. Everything is a sign that we are or are not pregnant. It can be the same symptom for both sides of the coin and our symptoms are not real...they are caused by progesterone...why do I keep forgetting this? Maybe it's because I am in denial. Or maybe it's because I have a hard time of letting go of hope. No matter how much I try to be realistic, I am always going to hope. Afterall, it would be weird if I was trying so hard to get my wife pregnant but had no hope of it succeeding!
The good news is KB's temps came back up to "normal elevation" today. They dipped down a little yesterday morning. I think it was just a fluke...like maybe she slept with the covers off or something. Who knows. It seems that ttc is really just a crapshoot anyway.

yeah...it's for real

KB is in a meeting, being laid off as we speak. I was freaking out a little yesterday (although I maintained a calm and collected outward appearance, of course). However, today...I think we are both fine with it. It's the universe's way of telling us that KB is meant to do something else with her life (which we already knew) and now we can concentrate on the things that matter. Plus, now KB won't be voluntarily leaving her job in two months, so we qualify for unemployment and reduced cost COBRA. Hey...you know what? This is actually starting to look pretty good!

Well now there is something to think about. KB just called and she thinks she might be getting laid off tomorrow. She got an email from her boss, addressed only to her, stating that her attendance is required at a mandatory meeting in the conference room tomorrow at 9 am. Perfect fucking timing.

4dpo and totally obsessing

But not about pregnancy symptoms because I CAN'T thanks to PROMETRIUM! Right now KB is throwing off every pregnancy symptom in the book. Why? Because progesterone is the hormone that causes that and she is on that until 15dpo at the very least (but hopefully we will get a bfp and she will have to stay on it for a while).

So instead I am obsessing about everything baby. I think I have already designed our entire nursery in my head. KB says I plan ahead too much. But it's the only thing I can do to keep me from alternating between tears of frustration and rage about not being pregnant yet. Plus, I have a second job where I am a part-time receptionist at a hair salon and basically sit at a desk all day playing with my iPhone. What else is there to fill my time? Wardrobe planning is next. 11 more days of this.

2 dpo...yes I am counting

Today I had 5 clients back to back for a total of 7 hours in session...and a few minutes in-between each to try and write up notes/reports/check emails. So it was busy...which is good because I don't think about babies...until the madness ends and I am back to counting the days.

I also made an on-line friend today who lives in the city that the wife and I are moving to in less than 3 months. Yay friends! This is especially cool, because we know nobody within 200 miles AND they are also a lesbian-couple who is trying to conceive their first child...and if that wasn't enough...one of them is working on a PhD! So there are a lot of basic things in common, and perhaps a lot of shared experiences. And we might get together when KB and i go look for a place to live.

Why do I feel like we are being set up on a couples blind date? "I'll be the one dressed in black with a red rose and a copy of the great gadsby..."

Bon Anniversaire

Today is our 1-year wedding anniversary, which makes us no longer newly-weds. Wouldn't it be a great story if we conceived the same weekend as our wedding anniversary?! (insert a really long sigh here)

1dpo. 14 more to go. I have never before wished the busy workweek would come faster...

And yet another tww begins

It is so hard to walk the line between optimism and realism. Every tww I tell myself I am not going to get my hopes up, and every tww I fail. Today is day one of this tww and I already am finding myself feeling some compassion for what individuals with bipolar go through (although my mood swings are much less intense and rapid cycling). One minute I am picturing my pregnant wife and I walking down the neighborhood strip talking about baby. The next minute I have visions of the two of us in our old age, childless and living with a thousand fury creatures.

And I am also vacillating between feeling like I was a good gynocologist this month and doubting everything. What if all the sperm falls out? What if they can't get through the cervix due to hostile mucous? What if our timing was off? What if all the sperm die before they reach the golden Mecca? What if I poked too far into the cervix and kb gets an infection? What if I got air into her uterus? And worst of all...what if kb does not get pregnant but somehow i do because i was handling the goods and also am currently ovulating (i realize this is completely irrational)? And the list goes on and on.

Oh boy. I'm in for a long two weeks. I need to find more activities to fill whatever freetime I have.

Oh ye of little faith

KB just texted me to tell me that we are definitely close to ovulation...guess I spoke too soon about the EWCM thing...WOOHOO! At least now we still have two vials left for this highly fertile time!

Fourth time's a charm

After my freakout yesterday, we decided to get a fourth vial...just to be safe. If I were the one carrying this time around, this would be much easier, because my reproductive system works like clockwork...almost to the hour...and ovulation is very easy to predict, based on physical changes. But alas, KB has a much trickier cycle (shorter and not always the same number of days each month) and clomid is a cruel cruel fertility drug. I don't even know why we use OPK's...they never show up...and EWCM--what EWCM? It doesn't exist thanks to clomid.

So, armed with our 4th vial and some fantastic pre-seed, we truck along...every 36 hours. Let's see how this works..