29 September 2008

no time to worry...

CD4. Nothing to report on yet. More realistic in my expectations for this cycle. Although, still optimistic...because it is more fun than being pessimistic...at least in the beginning.

We decided we are not testing until the missed period. What is the point? Just a lot of heartache and crazy-making when you do...and it is wasteful...of time, plastic, and I would say money...but we get them for free from our OBGYN-nurse mother.

And I am up to my eyeballs in applications for residency/dissertation project administration tasks...speaking of which...this was my only 2 minute break for the next 8 hours.

see ya.

28 September 2008

Did you have a bad day too?

Today is cd3. This time, we are going to try it without the clomid. We have been reading a lot of articles about how it can thin your uterine lining and be a harsh environment for sperm. So no clomid this time.

Friday, my mother in "law" came over and we had dinner and watched the presidential debates (go Obama!). She knows we are trying to conceive and has been pretty helpful. We get a lot of free pregnancy tests from her office (she is an OBGYN nurse). So she asked if we were pregnant and we told her the test was negative. She gave KB a hug and asked her how she was doing. Later, on our way out to dinner, she noticed my moping around and asked if I "had a bad day too." Instantly, I snapped back that this is my potential baby too and that it was just as hard on me to find a negative result. Yikes. It looks like I have discovered one of my sensitive areas about this whole pregnancy deal.

I never pictured myself in the "dad" role. Although, many of our straight friends have told us that nobody ever asked the male counterpart what they were feeling about being pregnant or how they were doing, I never even thought that this would be a similar situation for us.

Even among those that love us and are supportive, we find old biases creeping on up. I guess it is just really hard for even the most understanding of people to completely comprehend two women having a baby together...you just don't get it until you are doing it. In some respects, I think I always knew that this would be a "different kind of pregnancy" and that others might see it differently.

All I want is to have a family without my biological sex being an issue for that. And if my wife is having a hard time, you bet I am going to be having a hard time as well...

Mom-in-law apologized later and said that she sees me as the "strong" one because she knows her own daughter and how KB deals with hurt. Since I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve as much, I guess that was interpreted as not having a hard time with TTC. Although, I don't think that was the only thing contributing to that comment.

The battle never ends.

27 September 2008

kids kids everywhere...

KB went to IOWA today to campaign for Obama. So she is occupied and hopefully not thinking about our crazily difficult month. I stayed home, gave the dog a haircut, and did some work for the greater part of 10 hours, awaiting my wife's return.

During this 10 or so hours...I probably saw no less than 100 different kids. I hate living across from one of the largest children's park in the city. At least I hate it right now.

I want to move.

26 September 2008

Okay...this is just cruel.

And it started again. No need to take a flippin pregnancy test...it turned from brown to bright red and is in full force...no mistaking it. Aunt Flo came to visit and she is angry.

CD Flippin 1.

huh? This is weird

So KB just called 5 minutes ago. Her period stopped....all of a sudden...just like that...

So it looks like this may not be a period after all.

We are testing as soon as I get home this evening.

We'll let you know how it goes. :)

Well...it was worth a shot.

I guess we are having a bottle of wine tonight with dinner.

cd1.

Okay.

We think we did fertilize but that it just didn't implant well because it looks like it is going to be a doozy of a period.

KB says that it just wasn't the right baby for us. Apparently his name was "hank" and he had a greasy-haired mullet and a beer-belly.

I was just kidding when I thought it might take on the first try....

just kidding...

25 September 2008

Wishing...and hoping...and thinking...and praying

Today is 15dpo. Still no signs of the period...KB still doesn't think we are pregnant, but I am hopefully optimistic. The longest cycle she has ever had was 28 days. we are on CD28. So we shall see...We are not testing until Saturday morning--we decided. That will be the day after we expect her to get her period...so we will either have a celebratory or mourning dinner that night. Either way...I am doing okay today. It is weird...the first part of the 2ww, I was fine. The middle part was the worst. Kept getting caught up in every possible "sign." I was driving myself crazy. And now I have returned to baseline once again...okay with whatever happens.

On a slightly different note...I have been having some weird chest tightness for about a month. I went to the doctor 3 weeks ago and they said they did not see anything wrong with me and that maybe I have an anxiety problem. --listen people...I know anxiety...it is one of my main research interests...and this is not it. But her mere suggestion that I might have problems with anxiety sent me into an existential crisis. She sent me to the pulmonary specialist and an allergist to make sure my asthma and allergies were not off-kilter and unmanaged. At the pulmonary function test, I learned that I am not getting enough oxygen from the lungs to the heart...and that this is most commonly due to an infection in the lungs...not anxiety. The pulmonary technician hypothesized that I may have walking pneumonia. cool. They also sent me for some blood work to check my liver...I have no idea why. And they x-rayed my chest. That was Tuesday. So the first doctor (at the university health center...the most unreliable place on earth) is wrong either way. There is a problem...most likely an infection...most likely pneumonia. Where did they get their medical degrees? On the black market? They should have x-rayed my chest before sending me to a specialist...cause now I have to pay out of pocket for that lab work...but fortunately should meet my deductible for the year and will not have to go back to the university pseudo-doctors again. I should find out the results of the x-ray today or tomorrow.

So it is going to be a pretty big weekend.

23 September 2008

Bad days coming in waves...

These days, it seems like every other day is good, and the remainders are all bad...everything about them...not just the pregnancy-related stuff...but mostly that.

Yesterday was a bad day. I got home from a very long day of work around 9:30 pm and walked into the bedroom to discover that the cat had peed on the bed. This is the second time she has done this in the past 10 days. And all I am thinking is, I want to kill her. Let me explain. No, let me sum up...I am very allergic to her as it is, so I haven't really developed a strong bond with her...as I associate her with uncomfortable allergy feelings. But she is KB's cat, and she is 13 years old and as far as cats go, she is probably my favorite. We got home from Ohio last weekend and she had peed on the mattress and our fairly new couch...which is a lot harder to clean than a mattress. The brand new down comforter was also ruined...and those things aren't exactly cheap. So I was pissed then...and I am pissed now...and if she doesn't knock it off, I am going to put her on meds. Her litter box is clean...nothing has changed recently...perhaps there is a medical problem...we are taking her to the vet in the next day or so.

In the meantime, I found a fantastic home remedy that saved the mattress...got the smell completely out...the down comforter though...not so lucky, and we can't use the remedy on the couch...it might discolor it. I am going to go buy a plastic tarp to put over the bed so that she can't ruin anything again. And perhaps the dry-cleaner can take care of the couch cushion?

So that was the catalyst for an emotional episode about the cat. I think she thinks I hate the cat...which is not true...I am just not a cat person, and I don't like our stuff that we just bought/got as gifts ruined because she is mad.

KB also was upset because she "just doesn't feel pregnant." we are only 13 dpo. So it is still too early to tell. Friday things might become a little clearer. I know we said we weren't testing again, but KB wanted to, and I am not arguing with her when she is already upset about the cat. Negative. Although it is only 63% accurate today. So again, I am not giving up, even if she already has...but it sure did ruin my day. I just want it to be Friday...

22 September 2008

A glimmer of hope and some interesting news

Yesterday, KB and I helped her parents clean out her crazy aunt's house. Her great aunt is suffering more and more from mobility and dementia issues and it just isn't a good idea for her to live by herself anymore. Cleaning out her house was quite an experience. The woman was a hoarder. For those who don't know what this means, she is a pathological pack-rat, collecting everything that she doesn't need and holding on to it for dear life. She had a lot of unused random things, such as embroidered "hers" pillow-cases---which we definitely kept because we think "hers and hers" pillows are funny. She also had a lot of unused pots, fondue forks--but no fondue maker, and old flashbulbs for cameras from the 1980's and before...a whole nightstand full of them. The best discovery of the day, was by far, a few unused baby clothes items that were actually quite cute...that and the nativity scene that according to KB looks like "jesus action figures."

While at KB's crazy aunt's house, we spent a lot of time talking to her mom, who is an OBGYN nurse and knows we are TTC. We were talking about symptoms, etc., and we found out that the symptoms KB has been having for the past week cannot be due to the clomid as she was not on a very high dose and the drug should have been out of her system about 2 weeks ago. This was a glimmer of hope...

The other very cool news, was that it might be possible for me to actually breast-feed our future baby as well. Apparently, many mothers who have adopted newborns have been able to breastfeed after taking some hormones for a couple of months prior to the babies' births. I obviously still need to do a ton of research on this as I am not going to ingest hormones without knowing potential side effects and consequences...but how cool is this? This is especially good news, as KB might not be able to breast feed as she had a substantial breast reduction 15 years ago. This was by far the high point in my day. That and the fact that KB's mom can snatch us a bunch of free pregnancy tests...

Other than that, we are counting down the days until D-day...Friday...as we are not testing until then.

21 September 2008

I hate this stupid game

I woke up this morning in a foul mood...both times. Let me explain something. I live in an "S" shaped condo building on one of the outer wings. In our little section of the S-curve there are about 12 units, 6 of whom we are pretty friendly with. We have bi-weekly cook-outs during the summer, watch each other's pets when they are on vacation, hang out with one couple's children, and just all around like eachother as neighbors. Almost all of us in this little section own our condos. One does not...they are on the 3rd of 3 floors, we are on the first of three floors. There is just one condo between us and them...and they are 22 years old in a big and excititng city.

Last night, I was awoken from a very pleasant sleep at 3:45 am, by several noises. These young neighbors of ours were apparently having some people over, and these people decided it was okay to ring everybody's buzzer in the whole entire building in order to try and get in. Our buzzers are clearly labelled. If it is not your last name or your host's last name...don't ring the damned buzzer at the crack of fucking dawn!

The doorway is more or less directly outside our bedroom window, which we sleep with open during the summer months. They were loud and unruly and I was quickly becoming furious. I ignored the first buzzer ringing...the second time, being tired of also listening to my ferocious 17-lb guard dog sound the alarms, I got up and went to my front door to buzz the bastards in. By the time I got there, it was too late, their friend had finally buzzed them in. I wanted to open my front door and have some words, but I realized that I forgot to put on pants...and while we are friendly with our neighbors, there is a line that should not be crossed.

I went back to bed, and not more than 30 seconds later, the host was screaming out his livingroom window to some more friends on the sidewalk below...why they need to have a conversation through their window at this time of night? Alcohol...it is to blame. I was pissed off beyond all belief. Not only had I been woken up, but I also had to physically get up to try and take care of the situation and calm my dog down, only to find out that they had already gotten in...and stomped up the stairs loudly like a heard of fucking elephants...and the worst part about it was that I probably would not be able to fall asleep for at least an hour. I have to be in a completely zen state to nod out...and I was definitely not feeling very zen right about now.

I start to get out of bed to make my second attempt at confronting them...this time with more purpose and drive to accomplish this feat...but my beautiful unaffected wife says to me, " honey...leave them alone, they are barely out of college and just having a good time. You were at the same place once."

No, I was not. I never stomped up my neighbors stairwell, or those of my friends, being loud and obnoxious. I never rang the buzzers of people I didn't know in the middle of the night. I did what you are supposed to do...begin the party sober, stay there, get drunk, and spend the night...then leave the next morning quietly so as not to attract attention or have to explain one's self.

And if I was ever as obnoxious and just plain as rude as these people, I would of expected somebody to confront me. How else will they learn?

I didn't confront them. I did what my wife asked and went back to bed...but neither of us could sleep right away and all of a sudden KB had to pee. So we decided, maybe this would be a good time to pee on a stick. 11dpo and we still are not pregnant folks. But it is okay, because we are still 5 days off from KB's expected period. At this point, the HPT's are only 50% accurate...that is the same as flipping a damned coin. Maybe I should create my own test, it would cost me a quarter rather than $18.99 and the outcome would be just as valid and reliable.

I am really starting to hate this whole wait and we decided we are not testing again until d-day...this upcoming Friday. If I couldn't sleep before, I definitely could not sleep very well after this news. It took me an hour and a half to doze off. And I woke up depressed and tired, and not looking forward to a day with family.

The back porch cookout is this evening. Maybe I will go and tell the 22 year-olds off. If they show up. They might still be sleeping after their long night of annoying their neighbors.

20 September 2008

Is this even my wife?

For the past few days, KB has been extremely moody...in fact...she's been the most emotional and irritable that I have ever seen her be. Yesterday, for instance, she snapped at me several times, started crying randomly (without any known triggers whatsoever) more than once, and was extremely sensitive. We were going to a friends house for dinner and to hang out. I asked her if she was going to wear what she had on...in a completely harmless non-critical way (afterall, she was wearing what she wore to work that day...which is not typically what she chooses to wear outside of work). She piped back, "yeah. Is that what YOU ARE WEARING?!"

Yikes.

Let me explain something. My wife is never this sensitive. Not even before her period.

Before the day was up, I was desperately wishing I had decided to go hang out with some other friends without her. So why is she this moody? Is it a sign of possible pregnancy? We are on 10dpo today. Or is it a side effect of clomid? I looked up the side effects, and mood swings were not listed. Perhaps it is a rare side effect that only happens to my wife. Part of me hopes it was the clomid. At least then there would be a glimmer of hope that this would not continue throughout pregnancy. At the same time, I really want it to be a sign of pregnancy...but if that is the case, I am going to have to start drinking....heavily. We will see. KB reported that she doesn't FEEL pregnant today. Well, yesterday she didn't "feel" irritable and irrational. But she was.

19 September 2008

Cheers or no cheers

We had dinner with some friends last night...which was interesting because we are not telling a lot of people we know that we are actively trying AS WE SPEAK! They offered us champagne to toast a recent accomplishment....and through both KB and my heads...went the following:



"Crap...I can't refuse it...that would be extremely rude...but what if we are pregnant...we could hurt the baby...it's a good thing there is not chance in hell that we actually are pregnant...but we might be...although we haven't felt symptoms for days....but maybe it's too early to tell...there is absolutely no way that we are pregnant--we'd feel it if we were...but all the same...we don't want to harm the possible baby in order to be polite..." and on and on and on.



In the end, KB took a half glass of champagne and pretended to drink it...maybe had one sip. I of course, being on an emotional rollercoaster these past several days decided that this was a great opportunity to calm the nerves. Hell...if KB might be eating for two soon...I might be drinking for two...at least at social gatherings! :)



So yesterday afternoon, KB felt a weird cramp in her uterus that she had never felt before. We are hoping...and being painfully optimistic...that this could be implantation. Today is 9dpo. Nothing major to report...other than the weird cramp yesterday, some light boob soreness, and some moodiness/emotional stuff...but hell...that could be a side-effect of merely being on this roller-coaster. We gave in this morning and POAS. Negative...what did we expect. We are thinking that we might switch brands to a more sensitive test and try again on either sunday or monday which will be 11/12dpo...we'll see if we can make it that far! Good thing we have a lot of fun things to do this weekend to keep ourselves occupied...although at least one of those activities involves a toddler...ugghhh.

We're hoping for a "magical baby" soon. And the story on that is that if we have a positive this month, the baby is magical...because the cubs have won every game (including the first no-hitter in decades) since the baby's likely conception. So it is magical. And if the cubs should happen to have a bad day...then the baby becomes un-magical...and is just an average baby...which we are fine with too. :)

18 September 2008

the back story

So I realized that I never fully discussed the background for our "baby story." My wife and I met and fell in love quickly. We moved-in together before being together for a year. We were engaged on our 1 year anniversary...and married 14 months later. Before she came around, I was utterly afraid of committment...it just was not my cup of tea. I was in and out of relationships faster than you could say, "be my girlfriend?" And I did not like to have discussions about "defining relationships"...they made me anxious. Then along came KB. She was pretty and blonde, I am dark and mysterious...she was quirky, I am nerdy...she was spontaneous, I like things planned and organized...she was funny, and I like to think that I am but have been informed that this is not true. We are so different, and yet so much alike. And I knew pretty quickly that I wanted to keep this one...for as long as the universe will let me.

A week before I moved in, we bought our first baby...bailey (scroll down to bottom of page). He is a 17 lb half-yorkie/half-poodle and all ass-hole puppy...and we love him. He was actually our impetus for moving in together. We didn't want him to "be from a broken home." So that was it.

KB and I have been talking about babies since before I moved in. We went to an LGBT family conference, read books, and created timelines. At least 10 of our good friends either have children or are currently pregnant. I started sewing baby clothes over 2 years ago....seriously...we have about 50 different items in our "baby trunk" that I have made. KB is 6 1/2 years my senior...and in the past year...her biological clock has gone from a moderate tick to the sound of a gong. Mine has not been much better. The baby radar goes off every time a pregnant woman enters my 1/2 mile radius....which is constant since I live in a large urban city...across from a children's park no-less.

So why now? Besides all of the preparation that has gone into this...we have at least five more reasons...(I like lists)

1) KB isn't getting any younger and we would both like to carry one before the chances of developmental and physical complications increase.

2) I am applying for my year-long clinical internship (it's like residency for doctors)...which will begin anywhere from 10-12 months from now. If we have the baby before I start, there will be a nice natural break where I can also stay home with the newborn.

3) There is a chance that for said internship, we will be moving across the country and KB will have to get a new job. Wouldn't it be great to start maternity leave before that happens and take advantage of the family medical leave act?

4) Because of the possibility of said potential move...we may have to find another OBGYN in a new city if we wait any longer...NO NO NO NO NO. We like our OBGYNie...a lot.

5) Because when is anyone completely prepared for a baby in all aspects of their lives. If we wait for all the conditions to be perfect...we will be retired. It is time to get on with the show.

So in January of 08, we began the process. We went to a fertility specialist in the area and had some tests done. KB had polyps in her uterus...so she had surgery to prepare the baby's room. Then we were married...then we paid off all our credit card and medical debt and started saving money. Before we knew it, it was August! So we took a few weeks to pick our sperm donor. The first one we picked was perfect. Native-American like me, and in the same field. But alas...he was not available to new customers. So then we picked some others...but they had never had any successful home pregnancies. Then we found Mr. SuperSperm. Apparently, he is the Michael Phelps of sperm donors. We contacted some families that have used him on the DSR and saw pictures of their beautiful beautiful children. And we bought our first round.

The day came to pick up the tank...and it was almost a scene out of some weird and twisted horror film. The doctor (who lives in the same city as us) brought the tank home to her house after work, and we went and picked it up there. We pulled in...behind her condo...into the alley. Got out, and watched her open the tank, which spewed nitrogen gas like some sort of fog machine in a low-budget film. She showed us how to pull out the vials so not to burn our hands...and we buckled the tank into the back seat...imagining the whole way home that it was our baby in it's car seat. We are pathetic!

the night of the first insemination...may have been too soon. Because KB is on clomid, it is hard to detect an LH surge...so we guessed by the quality of her CM. To all my knowledge...she was fertile. It was not as romantic as I would have liked...more of a wham bam thank ya maam kind of deal. And afterwards, she laid in bed with her hips propped up eating an ice-cream sandwhich, while this pseudo gynocologist cleaned up.

And here we are. a week and a half later. We are pretty sure she ovulated on Thursday...she felt some definate ovary pain that day...I wonder what our "magical baby" (there is a story behind this...but it will wait for tomorrow's post) will be...an astronaut or a doctor?!

hmmm....

Better late...than never

TA DA! Welcome to my blog. I have resisted starting a blog for quite a while...until I discovered that my partner KB has been writing a blog about our journey into marriage and motherhood for quite some time. Then I started reading countless other lesbian fertility and motherhood blogs and I made another discovery: it is always the carrying mothers that post...and never the other half. So here I am. I am a hopefully-mom-to-be-soon who is pushing 30, finishing her PhD, and hoping for a "magical baby" with each insemination.

Today marks 8dpo. It is our first attempt at pregnancy, with an at-home insemination. KB is on clomid (50mg)--which we discovered is a cruel cruel drug as it mimics pregnancy symptoms...seriously...they couldn't find another way to stimulate egg release? And because I have always been an over-acheiver, and we want to give this shot our all, we purchased 3 vials of sperm this month...and we used them all...last Tuesday night, Thursday night, and for good measure--Friday at dawn.

We realize that we might not get pregnant during the first month...and that many other women have had a lot of difficulties, including many close friends....we feel for you, and hope that we don't ever have to experience that pain first-hand.

At the same time...and maybe it is because I am a newbie...I have found myself on the 2ww rollercoaster....and it is not stopping anytime soon! The first few days after we inseminated...I felt really good...like this might be it...afterall, we bought "super-sperm," the best donor with the highest success rate at Midwest Sperm Bank...and we bought three whole vials!

3-4dpo, KB had some random possible pregnancy symptoms...which we realize is impossible...but for some reason my mind likes to think that perhaps she is "not a normal human" and that she is capable of feeling her pregnancy before science would deem it possible. Turns out, it was probably the clomid that caused those.

Her boobs were really sore around 6dpo, but then they weren't at the end of 7dpo. I checked her cp...it was high and soft, and there was a lot of lotion-like mucous on the vaginal walls...

And now I think I am just sucked into all the pregnancy folklore crap on-line. I can't stop looking up symptoms...it's like an addiction, only it doesn't make me feel better when I feed it, it makes me feel worse...more anxious...and tired...so why do I still do it? Because I am obsessed...that is why. Last night we succumbed to our temptations and took an HPT. Negative...of course. It was only 7dpo!

I think I am going insane...I hate this already...we better not have to do this too often. I will never be able to get any work done if I am constantly in a 2ww!

KB just called as I was writing. She is feeling some light cramping in her uterus...could this be implantation? gotta go...I need to do more on-line "research."