The swing from pessimism to optimism

I am now in a good mood. Let me explain...nope...too much, let me sum up. So I started applying for the doctoral clinical internship/residency year approximately mmmmmm 5 months ago. Applications were sent out approximately 6 weeks ago. About 1 1/2 weeks ago, I got my first rejection, followed by my second. But yesterday...drumroll please...I GOT MY FIRST INTERVIEW at one of my top choices, which by the way, happens to have a pretty damned good reputation both in the Chicago area and nationally. So---that is exciting. Now I only have to wait for about 15 other places to let me know my interview status. Fortunately, this is a time-limited wait, as they are all required by APPIC rules to contact us and inform us of our status by December 15th. As long as I get 3-4 more interviews, I will be golden and won't have to worry about not matching....which would really suck because that would mean doing this whole process all over again. I'd rather become a housewife.

But alas...move over beethoven...because I may very well land an awesome placement...fingers crossed.

Saying goodbye to old friends...

Today was a sad day for me...very sad actually. I felt that it was time that I say goodbye to an old friend who is not really a friend anymore. Now, I should mention that I am not in the habit of excommunicating my friends, no matter how much we disagree or differ. However, sometimes, I believe that it is necessary to discontinue a relationship or contact because there are certain relationships that are so hurtful, toxic even, that they negatively affect every area of one's life and keep them from being happy and healthy. This was basically the reason that I ended this relationship.

I first became friends with P when I was 12 years old, and he and his wife were in their 20's. They were like surrogate parents to me at a time when I was not getting along terribly well with my biological parents. I quickly became very close with P and his wife. When their son was born, I became their pseudo-nanny. I say pseudo because nobody ever called me that...but for all intensive purposes, I was their nanny. I was at their house about half of the week...until they moved away right before my Junior year of high school.

Another important piece of information, is that I grew up in a mega-church...that's right...the people in my home-town jokingly (most of the time) called it the "god-dome." Thousands of members attended and particiated in activities at this church. P was also a member of this church. When I met P, he was a moderate in terms of his religious views. However, over the course of the last decade and a half, he has become as conservative as they come. He is now a pastor (this is the reason he moved away as mentioned above...he went to seminary). I stayed in touch with him mostly by phone for the last decade. About a year ago, I reconnected with him on facebook. It was then that I realized just how much he has changed.

I feel like the last 6 months have been just one intolerant post after another. In the beginning I would engage in intellectual debates with him about his positions, politically, socially, and religiously. After a while, it just became too hard to even talk to him, yet alone engage in a debate. I found out that he really didn't attend my wedding because of "my sins" (a.k.a. being gay). Back in the day we used to plan that he would be the minister at my wedding...that didn't happen. And now, I feel like I am daily becoming emotionally upset and angry for the intolerant comments and views he posts. I know what he believes in regarding abortion, being gay, liberals, and Obama...and frankly, I don't need to see them posted in hurtful ways all over my facebook page.

So, since I know that he is not going to change his behavior, and I also know that staying in contact with him means risking my emotional health and daily balance, I have decided to say goodbye. This relationship has not been supportive or productive for over a decade. And why do I need him constantly commenting on my life and my choices. It's not good for me. It's not good for my family. Still...it is hard. Like I said, I don't typically cut people out of my life. But I have contemplated this for a while...and it is the healthy thing to do...

Goodbye P. I hope that someday, you are inspired by a message of love, tolerance, and progress. And I hope that you will someday think farther than two feet in front of you. Until then...

Well I didn't want to go there anyway..

I got my first rejection letter from residency programs today. It is way too early to be worrying about notices from places, but from here on out, they will slowly trickle in until December 15, which is the deadline for interview notification. I applied to 19 places, so of course I am expecting some to not even want to see my face for an interview...but it would have been nice to have the first notice be a request for an interview...instead of this "thanks...but no thanks..." letter. After all the work I put into applying, the least they could have done was reimburse my paper costs since I doubt they did a ton of looking at the application. Anyhoo...there you have it. 18 more to hear from. One of which I am 99% sure I will get an interview because I have a very strong and reliable connection to the cite (my advisor used to be the director of the hospital).

I am sort of happy that I am not on two emotional rollercoasters at once. This one doesn't let me off until late February. To think...what would I be like if we were still trying to get pregnant right now. Obviously we would manage...after all, people have had to deal with worse...and I want a baby more than I want a placement for residency...which is for sure saying something since i have been in school for 2 1/2 decades.

In other news...KB and I challenged each other to our very own "biggest loser" contest. Now, when I say this, keep in mind that neither of us is overweight...just pudgy. In fact, we both weigh under 140. That said, in early college I was 100 lbs (of course by late college I had grown two more inches and shattered my ankle, making exercise impossible...). So, our contest is this: whoever loses the greatest percentage of weight in 10 weeks (jan 28) wins a $250 mini shopping spree for clothes. This is saying a lot, since we don't do a lot of shopping...in fact we are pretty frugal with our money, preferring to spend our extra dough on experiential things and practical things (like say...a few grand in sperm). So this contest will be fun. I only have maybe 13 or 14 lbs that I could actually lose without being labeled "underweight." But none-the-less...I was at the gym for 2 hours last night and one hour this morning. I am going to Yoga tonight as well. I will not lose this competition...can't happen. Because I want to go shopping quite badly. And my wife and I never have competitions with this much to win...so that is fun. I am going to enjoy getting all muscular...and KB is considering this part of her journey to prepare her body for pregnancy and to ready us both for motherhood. Wish us luck

Moved by emotion--followed by righteous indignation

So I am back, but not trying to get KB pregnant until March--at the earliest. We find out were we are heading on February 23rd...such a powerful day...it basically determines the next several years of our lives...hmmm.

It has been less painful being not pregnant this past week, but I have been continually annoyed that all of my friends and some not-really-friends-but-facebook-acquaintances from high school and college are either pregnant or working on their families. Many have multiple children at this point, and the headline from one picture..."whoops! What a happy surprise." Bite me. --Okay---Okay...I am happy for them...but am quite jealous, and there may not be anything that can be done about that right now.

In other news, KB and I witnessed history on Tuesday night with 70,000 of Barack's closest friends in Grant Park. It was a surreal experience. I will never forget that night...for many reasons. The crowd was so calm, friendly, and moved. And my wife was SO MOVED...that she fainted. Yep. That's right...fainted. Good thing we were very close to the fence that separated us from the paramedics. And at least she waited until Obama was finished speaking. Her first words when she came to about 20 seconds later were, "Did I miss anything? Was he done speaking?" This was followed by the paramedics grabbing her and putting her in a stretcher. They tried to close the gate on me, but I really was not having any of that. They may have voted to revoke rights in 3 states that night, but Illinois was not one of them (not that we actually have many rights...although Cook County is fairly decent to the gays) and I was going wherever my wife was...even if I had to fight for it...physically. So after a 10 second confrontation, they let me through the gates. KB puked twice...a lovely wine colored substance...right next to (fortunately) the nice paramedic-man's shoes. They then wheeled us away...asked KB all sorts of questions that she was having a hard time answering...so naturally, I tried to help...they weren't having any of that.

"Excuse me miss, we need to hear it from her." Well, if you must, but my memory at this point is probably more accurate. KB has a history of fainting. And we found out later that her mother fainted on the steps of the inauguration speach for LBJ. So apparently it runs in the family. She signed a medical release so that she wouldn't have to go to the hospital...and they, of course, needed a witness...so they turned to me...who 10 minutes prior was apparently not good enough to help them--but now when they need a witness....the female paramedic asked me in a pretty snotty tone, "and what is your relation?" I snapped. She could have said it nicer and not like a complete bi*ch. "I'M HER WIFE" I bellowed. And that was that. KB is fine.

But it was a day that I will never forget...for all sorts of reasons. And sadly, for many of you, it is a day you never thought you would see, where rights that were so recently granted were once again revoked. It will happen. Change takes time...and while I never argue for passivity (and incidentally am not doing right now either)...I do like to take perspective from other struggles. The struggle for gay rights has been relatively accelerated in comparison to rights for other disenfranchised groups in this country. So I am hopeful. Maybe I am naive. But I also believed Barack would be president...and I still believe he will do great things. Time will tell. In the mean time, keep up the good fight. I am there with you...always in spirit, and as often as possible...in person.

Break time...

Blood test was negative. I am sick of the yo-yo-ing...

Will be back in March.

a conundrum

So, this is weird. KB never got her period...less than a tsp. of actual blood...the rest was this brown gunk which lasted a total of maybe 24 hours and then suddenly stopped. What the hell is this stuff anyway?

So, no period symptoms, no real period--just some spotting, a lot of brown gunk---which has now ended.

Many negative sticks, none that are clearly positive--although, KB thought she saw a faint faint line this morning---I didn't really see it.

We don't know what this means and are trying not to get our hopes up, which is really really really difficult given that this is cd32/18dpo. KB has never had a cycle longer than 28 days in her life, nor has she skipped a period...and she always gets period symptoms...like clockwork.

We are going to test again in two days, and play it safe alcohol/caffeine-wise until we know for sure. If we do not get a visit from AF by Thursday/Friday we are going in for bloodwork.

My earlier pessimism (yesterday) is replaced with cautious optimism...we will keep you posted.

Not pregnant...and taking a break

nope. not pregnant. Could have been a chemical pregnancy...who knows for sure...and really...who cares at this point. And now, due to timing and uncertainty about our living situation exactly 9 months from now, we are forced to take a break until February 23rd, when I find out where we are going for my residency/clinical internship. I finished stuffing my application packets this morning, which was surreal. I can see the end of my PhD on the horizon...it feels pretty good. One chapter, starting to close, and hopefully in 4 1/2 months another will be beginning.

KB has decided to use this time wisely...engage in some serious working out and better preparing our minds and bodies for the trials of pregnancy...and she is going to add another day to her volunteering and start studying for the GRE's. Perhaps she will begin her masters in Library Science next semester...I think that this is a great idea.

As for me, I am going to try and pull together a few manuscripts for publication, and focus heavily on my dissertation data collection. And of course, I have to prepare for upcoming interviews for the above mentioned internship sites...so that is something to fill my time. I'd also like to drop maybe 10 lbs...that is a realistic goal I think.

And before we start this madness all over again, I think we are going to go on a mini vacation...some place warm and sunny...to just relax and clear our minds. I really don't want to be THAT couple...the one that keeps trying and trying, but it never happens. I guess nobody wants to be that couple...and I know we have only tried twice now...but every BFN sends you into an even greater stage of irrationality and fatalism.

That is where we are at. I probably will not post much in the months ahead...see you in March.

nope...or are we wrong?

a few hours after posting the last post, KB called and told me she started her period. So we have resigned ourselves to the fact that we won't be pregnant in 2008. We have to take a break until February when we find out where I am doing my residency.

When KB came home, she showed me the blood...brown...and only when she wiped...so far. So now I am going crazy. I have been reading about late implantation bleeding, or expelling implantation bleeding around the time of your regular period, which sometimes tricks people into thinking they aren't pregnant. Could we in fact actually be pregnant and that is what this is. I guess we will just have to wait and see if it turns color.

Now I can't sleep.

this sucks.

Symptoms?

Today is 14dpo. We have been symptom free...until last night. KB has been uber-thirsty...we are talking like maybe a gallon of water yesterday. And a ton of very clear very watery discharge...which our OBGYN mother/mother-in-love told us is likely to be pregnancy hormones! Yay! Let's hope!

Other than that...nothing...which is interesting, because KB typically has very clear period symptoms approximately 3-4 days before her period...which is due tomorrow...and we have nothin...no moodiness...no sore boobs...no extreme fatigue...and no crying about our cat being misplaced from her home because of our dog who apparently terrorizes her at every chance he can get...which is strange because this happens like clock-work every month.

Given the absence of period symptoms, and a few potential pregnancy symptoms (although everything is a potential pregnancy symptom...who are we kidding?)...we broke down this morning and took a pregnancy test. It was negative.

But, it is still one day before her period is due, and it is not an early pregnancy test, it is the kind they use at the OBGYN's office...which is not uber-sensitive to hormones...you gotta have a lot of those suckers raging through your body before it will detect it. And KB drank a gallon of water yesterday, which may have diluted the hormone somewhat. So it is still too early to tell...and we are still okay and not freaking out...and fine with whatever happens.

On that positive note...we have some news. One of KB's best friend's just gave birth to twins, after a long ttc journey full of miscarriages and IVF. So today we welcome, Lucille (Lucy) and Cassidy into the world. And now we have to go with one of our back-up names for a girl, because our first pick has been Lucy for about 3 months now. so sad...good thing we have some other fantastic names!

12 dpo and going strong

It is amazing how ttc can bring out your most comfortably hidden neuroses. For the most part, this month has been a breeze compared to last...but then, when I am feeling comfortable and oblivious to the wait, all of a sudden I am struck by a sudden need to worry about anything and everything related to ttc and our future as mothers. What if one of us loses our job? What if baby b is not treated well by his/her peers? What if we are horrible mothers? What if I can't handle the stress of it all? What if we have to move across the country? What if (fill in the blank here)?

That is where I am at...periodic bouts of worry in an otherwise boring 2ww. Nothing going on. No symptoms...still. We fought the urge to test again this morning...and I have to say I am quite proud of us for doing so. Saturday can't come fast enough, but I am confident we can wait until then to test...it is only 4 more days...that's nothin!

And now a quick change of topic...for which I have no transition...sorry for the abruptness of it all...

I am tired of people telling us to be patient and wait and how they have tried to conceive forever and are worried about not being fertile...blah blah blah. Let me clarify, I am tired of people who are in their early to mid-twenties and are in heterosexual relationships where the sperm is on tap complaining about these things. Let me make something clear...we are not in the same boat...we will never be in the same boat. We are older, worried about our rapidly dropping chances of conceiving, and we pay for our sperm...which adds up quickly. We can't just have sex every night and day to "help increase our chances" and there are only so many inseminations that this pseudo-gynocologist can handle in a 72 hour period...both emotionally and financially.

That said, to all of you who are in a similar boat (i.e. gay and over the age of 30), please don't take offense to my rantings. I am just frustrated. And I know many of you have been through a lot that I never would wish upon anyone...even the aforementioned younger heterosexual couples.

Okay..and now that that hormonal rage is released...I have to get some work done...

until tomorrow...

10 dpo...still nothing...

Hard day yesterday...I almost had to flush the pregnancy sticks...still no signs or symptoms...except that we felt the urge to bake/cook all weekend long. So now we have a fully stocked freezer of pureed butternut squash soup, applesauce, spaghetti sauce, and brownies. The great thing, is that I got to try out my new food processor...and I became inspired. I have decided that I am going to make our baby food once we actually have a baby. It's pretty exciting...let me tell you. When I get a project going, I go crazy. Seriously. I hate stopping once I have started and I can never make one batch of anything...if it isn't at least a triple batch I am annoyed...so once we finally are pregnant...we will need another freezer.

Two years ago, I started making baby clothes for fun...now we have a whole chest full of baby clothes...something like 45 different items. At several points during that project, our house looked like a sweatshop. I think one day, I made 15 onesies. So I am sort of a compulsive project doer. I recognize this...which is why it is dangerous when I discover something new...like the food processor. I am fighting back the urge right now to go make 10 gallons of split pea soup.

At least it would be a wonderful distraction from the 2ww...which is getting harder...but still nothing compared to last month.

here comes the irrationality

9dpo. No signs of pregnancy...but a little bit of irrationality from KB. We fought the urge to test this morning and were successful for today...who knows about tomorrow. We made it about 9 days without any freaking out. I would say that is pretty good.

I'm going to try to remain calm. I feel like there is so much riding on this month. If we aren't pregnant, we have to wait to try until the end of February...for timing issues and possibly moving issues...so that is what sparked the moment of irrationality this morning. That and the fact that EVERYONE WE KNOW is having a baby. Some of them didn't even try...they were "suprised." imagine that. too bad I will never know what that feels like. This whole ordeal sucks...bigtime.

We are watching our friend's baby tomorrow for a few hours. Could not be worse timing for us right now...although it might distract us from our suddenly invasive and persistent thoughts of being pregnant. Ugghhhhh....

Life is coming together...one day at a time

So today is 7dpo. And this is the first time all day I have thought about that...we are halfway through the two-week wait...and no craziness so far. I have not once checked symptoms online (maybe because we haven't really had any) and there have been no tears shed yet...no raging emotions. So it has been pretty good.

Two days ago, I had my court date to change my last name legally to that of KB. So now I am Stacey RJB. I did not want to completely part with my last name...so it became a second middle name. So now I feel like more cohesive of a family unit...which is silly really...but sometimes it is the little things that mean the most.

And today i have been working from home all day, entering people into my research study online, etc. It has only been available for 2 days, and I already have 54 research participants...I might hit 75 before the day is through! That is pretty cool. I need to collect at least 750...but if it goes by really fast, I might collect until I get to 1000. So work life is going well too.

And the elections. They seem to be going the way that our family wants lately...so we are hopeful and optimistic about this historic event...

Now, wouldn't it be great to introduce a baby into the mix when everything is going oh so well?!!! I think it would just be the icing on my cake.

fingers crossed.

6 dpo and symptom free

no symptoms...and no real freak outs yet either. For the most part, we are pretending we aren't in a tww...which works...most of the time. we thought we might have some implantation bleeding this morning...very very light pink...but as with all pregnancy signs...we are learning that this could be a whole host of other possibilities as well...

so the good news is...not freaking out...the bad news is...no real symptoms yet...although...it is still very very early.

Come to think of it...KB has been very tired lately. Hmmm.....

So tired...

today is 4dpo.

And I came home to my wife...fast asleep. Not only did she crash out early...but she also informed me earlier today that she was so tired at work--she had to take a 15 minute power snooze in her office at work.

She is either coming down with something, pregnant, or freakishly tired for no real reason at all...

I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...

This is where the craziness starts. I postponed it at least 3 days later from last month....I am going to try and fight the oncoming urge to do online "research" re: strange and abnormal pregnancy signs.

urgh...

Totally not on my mind...

So...last month, all I could think about was whether or not we were pregnant. This month, I have not thought about it until now...and it is already towards the end of 2dpo!

It is amazing what happens when you try and busy your life so much so that you cannot think about it. It actually works sometimes.

Anyway...just checking in...today is day 2...we will test on October 25th...one day after her expected period.

Now...back to scrubbing every inch of my condo. You laugh...but I am being quite literal....every inch...it's "fall cleaning" and my way of distracting myself.

Surging Surging Surging!

cd13 and we have lift off. KB called midday to tell me that the OPK is positive...and we have our first detectable LH surge. Last month we never got a positive, which we are attributing to the clomid since it has been known to mess up OPK's.

So today was LH surge, and there were other signs of ovulation...a little EWCM...tomorrow there will probably be a boatload. First insemination of the cycle was tonight...second will be tomorrow night.

Last month we were all romantic about the whole deal...my how the romance dies. This time it was more like a medical procedure, then we watched biggest loser with KB's feet up in the air...I should have taken a picture.

WooHoo. tomorrow starts the dreaded two week wait. I am not going to get my heart all in it and get crazy this time...if it works it works...if it doesn't, we will try again. But I really hope that it works...of course.

please please please please please please please!

over my anger...and ready to bake

cd12. We aren't sure if KB is ovulating yet or not. No LH surge yet...so probably not. But there has been some CM...not totally egg-white...so again...it's probably early. And we did a cream treatment to balance out the PH in there...so it could be some of that coming out. Who knew that citrus body wash from trader joes could throw off your PH balance and be a hostile environment for swimmers? hopefully we have that taken care of now.

We pick up the tank tonight...and then it is the waiting game...the fun part. What sucks is the fun part ends quickly and then it is at least two more weeks of hell. I hate the second half of the month. It sucks donkey balls.

On a different note...I am over my anger about yesterday's tire-jacking...at least for the most part. I will either take the car in to be fixed today or thursday. KB keeps telling me that the person who took the tire is just trying to feed their family. I don't know if there is any truth to that statement whatsoever...but I am never going to know if it is false and I would rather think it was true to save my blood pressure.

Here's to cd12. And here is to a July baby!

I am ready to move

Scene: Our car at 5:30 am this morning.

KB: What is that noise?
me: What noise?
KB: It sounds like we are dragging something.

I get out to look around...."What the hell!?!" Somebody had stolen the spare tire off of the back of our RAV-4. And the cover was stuck to the bottom of the car, dragging behind us on our way to the gym. So I got the cover un-stuck and cursed all the way to the gym, noticing along the way, all of the other SUV's with missing back tires and covers laying beside them...just tossed aside. "Well, at least we weren't targeted..."

So then, on the way to work, my tire pressure indicator light comes on...and I am thinking..."sh*t...just my luck that there would be a problem on the day that my spare tire is stolen." Turns out, there are sensors in all five tires and the light comes on if it cannot read one. Given the fact that it was stolen and is probably far far away, I take comfort in the fact that myt security features of my car are actually working...that is a plus. So I go get an estimate to get the tire replaced, the light turned off, and for the hell of it, locking lugnuts-one for each tire...so that I never have to deal with this again. Approximately $800. Yikes. Good thing I have insurance...and the deductible is $250. Even though it sucks that I have to pay anything when something was stolen from me. Bastards. I dare them to try it again.

And I am now officially ready to move out of the city. That was my last straw...that's all it took.

So many plans...and time just flies on by.

cd10. Already? Wow...this half of the month sure does seem to go quickly!

We began our OPK today. KB thought she felt a pain in her ovary like when she ovulates...but it is kind of early for her as well...who knows, maybe the clomid threw us out of whack last month. No clomid this month. We have been reading a lot about it thinning the lining, and KB's period was so so light...so we are going to go it alone this month. KB is also going on an antihistamine flush because it decreases EWCM. So she is sneezing up a storm without her allergy medicine...and I am daydreaming about a time when we tell our kids how hard we had to work to get them and guilt-tripping them with, "your mother was miserable...she sneezed for 3 weeks and had really itchy and puffy eyes because she wanted you so bad."

Swimmer pick-up is on Tuesday, and maybe even insemination that night...we shall see.
OPK was negative....not quite time...good because I had a lot to do this weekend....and we don't have the tank of baby-possibles yet.

I feel good about this month. But if it doesn't happen, I will also be okay...because I know that many of you have tried for a very long time and that often it happens when we least expect it...randomly and without reason.

That said, I sure hope this is the month...if not, we won't be able to start again until February/March, due to some timing issues with us possibly moving next July/August and KB needing to qualify for the family medical leave act. If we find out that we are staying in Chicago (which we will know on February 23rd), then we will start right back up again, and if we are moving, it will unfortunately be a 9 month wait until we can begin again. That is plan B in detail (because I am big on context).

But let's hope plan A works.

too efficient...

A colleague and I were criticized at work for being too efficient today...that is the funniest criticism I have ever received...and I think I will take it as a compliment.

Apparently the administrative assistant is feeling slighted because we don't spend a quarter of our day making chit chat with her and sometimes ignore her when she comes into our office because we need to get work done. Now, if she made chit chat for 5 minutes a day, that would be one thing...but when the woman talks your ear off for an HOUR AT A TIME (and this is unfortunately not an exaggeration) that is another story...and I am not going to lie, I find myself deliberately not responding to her conversations because if she sucks me in I am afraid I will never come back up for air.

I am a busy lady. Aside from finishing my PhD and doing some extra statistical consulting work, I am also trying to get my wife pregnant and am dealing with these stupid stupid health issues. So I am sorry if I don't have time to add the administrative assistant to my case-load of therapy.

On the bright side....today is cd6, I am having an echo-cardiogram tomorrow to help in figuring out why I am not adequately diffusing oxygen from my lungs to my heart, and my residency applications will be out of my living room in exactly 3 1/2 weeks...so life will pick up again really soon.
:)
too efficient. HA.

no time to worry...

CD4. Nothing to report on yet. More realistic in my expectations for this cycle. Although, still optimistic...because it is more fun than being pessimistic...at least in the beginning.

We decided we are not testing until the missed period. What is the point? Just a lot of heartache and crazy-making when you do...and it is wasteful...of time, plastic, and I would say money...but we get them for free from our OBGYN-nurse mother.

And I am up to my eyeballs in applications for residency/dissertation project administration tasks...speaking of which...this was my only 2 minute break for the next 8 hours.

see ya.

Did you have a bad day too?

Today is cd3. This time, we are going to try it without the clomid. We have been reading a lot of articles about how it can thin your uterine lining and be a harsh environment for sperm. So no clomid this time.

Friday, my mother in "law" came over and we had dinner and watched the presidential debates (go Obama!). She knows we are trying to conceive and has been pretty helpful. We get a lot of free pregnancy tests from her office (she is an OBGYN nurse). So she asked if we were pregnant and we told her the test was negative. She gave KB a hug and asked her how she was doing. Later, on our way out to dinner, she noticed my moping around and asked if I "had a bad day too." Instantly, I snapped back that this is my potential baby too and that it was just as hard on me to find a negative result. Yikes. It looks like I have discovered one of my sensitive areas about this whole pregnancy deal.

I never pictured myself in the "dad" role. Although, many of our straight friends have told us that nobody ever asked the male counterpart what they were feeling about being pregnant or how they were doing, I never even thought that this would be a similar situation for us.

Even among those that love us and are supportive, we find old biases creeping on up. I guess it is just really hard for even the most understanding of people to completely comprehend two women having a baby together...you just don't get it until you are doing it. In some respects, I think I always knew that this would be a "different kind of pregnancy" and that others might see it differently.

All I want is to have a family without my biological sex being an issue for that. And if my wife is having a hard time, you bet I am going to be having a hard time as well...

Mom-in-law apologized later and said that she sees me as the "strong" one because she knows her own daughter and how KB deals with hurt. Since I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve as much, I guess that was interpreted as not having a hard time with TTC. Although, I don't think that was the only thing contributing to that comment.

The battle never ends.

kids kids everywhere...

KB went to IOWA today to campaign for Obama. So she is occupied and hopefully not thinking about our crazily difficult month. I stayed home, gave the dog a haircut, and did some work for the greater part of 10 hours, awaiting my wife's return.

During this 10 or so hours...I probably saw no less than 100 different kids. I hate living across from one of the largest children's park in the city. At least I hate it right now.

I want to move.

Okay...this is just cruel.

And it started again. No need to take a flippin pregnancy test...it turned from brown to bright red and is in full force...no mistaking it. Aunt Flo came to visit and she is angry.

CD Flippin 1.

huh? This is weird

So KB just called 5 minutes ago. Her period stopped....all of a sudden...just like that...

So it looks like this may not be a period after all.

We are testing as soon as I get home this evening.

We'll let you know how it goes. :)

Well...it was worth a shot.

I guess we are having a bottle of wine tonight with dinner.

cd1.

Okay.

We think we did fertilize but that it just didn't implant well because it looks like it is going to be a doozy of a period.

KB says that it just wasn't the right baby for us. Apparently his name was "hank" and he had a greasy-haired mullet and a beer-belly.

I was just kidding when I thought it might take on the first try....

just kidding...

Wishing...and hoping...and thinking...and praying

Today is 15dpo. Still no signs of the period...KB still doesn't think we are pregnant, but I am hopefully optimistic. The longest cycle she has ever had was 28 days. we are on CD28. So we shall see...We are not testing until Saturday morning--we decided. That will be the day after we expect her to get her period...so we will either have a celebratory or mourning dinner that night. Either way...I am doing okay today. It is weird...the first part of the 2ww, I was fine. The middle part was the worst. Kept getting caught up in every possible "sign." I was driving myself crazy. And now I have returned to baseline once again...okay with whatever happens.

On a slightly different note...I have been having some weird chest tightness for about a month. I went to the doctor 3 weeks ago and they said they did not see anything wrong with me and that maybe I have an anxiety problem. --listen people...I know anxiety...it is one of my main research interests...and this is not it. But her mere suggestion that I might have problems with anxiety sent me into an existential crisis. She sent me to the pulmonary specialist and an allergist to make sure my asthma and allergies were not off-kilter and unmanaged. At the pulmonary function test, I learned that I am not getting enough oxygen from the lungs to the heart...and that this is most commonly due to an infection in the lungs...not anxiety. The pulmonary technician hypothesized that I may have walking pneumonia. cool. They also sent me for some blood work to check my liver...I have no idea why. And they x-rayed my chest. That was Tuesday. So the first doctor (at the university health center...the most unreliable place on earth) is wrong either way. There is a problem...most likely an infection...most likely pneumonia. Where did they get their medical degrees? On the black market? They should have x-rayed my chest before sending me to a specialist...cause now I have to pay out of pocket for that lab work...but fortunately should meet my deductible for the year and will not have to go back to the university pseudo-doctors again. I should find out the results of the x-ray today or tomorrow.

So it is going to be a pretty big weekend.

Bad days coming in waves...

These days, it seems like every other day is good, and the remainders are all bad...everything about them...not just the pregnancy-related stuff...but mostly that.

Yesterday was a bad day. I got home from a very long day of work around 9:30 pm and walked into the bedroom to discover that the cat had peed on the bed. This is the second time she has done this in the past 10 days. And all I am thinking is, I want to kill her. Let me explain. No, let me sum up...I am very allergic to her as it is, so I haven't really developed a strong bond with her...as I associate her with uncomfortable allergy feelings. But she is KB's cat, and she is 13 years old and as far as cats go, she is probably my favorite. We got home from Ohio last weekend and she had peed on the mattress and our fairly new couch...which is a lot harder to clean than a mattress. The brand new down comforter was also ruined...and those things aren't exactly cheap. So I was pissed then...and I am pissed now...and if she doesn't knock it off, I am going to put her on meds. Her litter box is clean...nothing has changed recently...perhaps there is a medical problem...we are taking her to the vet in the next day or so.

In the meantime, I found a fantastic home remedy that saved the mattress...got the smell completely out...the down comforter though...not so lucky, and we can't use the remedy on the couch...it might discolor it. I am going to go buy a plastic tarp to put over the bed so that she can't ruin anything again. And perhaps the dry-cleaner can take care of the couch cushion?

So that was the catalyst for an emotional episode about the cat. I think she thinks I hate the cat...which is not true...I am just not a cat person, and I don't like our stuff that we just bought/got as gifts ruined because she is mad.

KB also was upset because she "just doesn't feel pregnant." we are only 13 dpo. So it is still too early to tell. Friday things might become a little clearer. I know we said we weren't testing again, but KB wanted to, and I am not arguing with her when she is already upset about the cat. Negative. Although it is only 63% accurate today. So again, I am not giving up, even if she already has...but it sure did ruin my day. I just want it to be Friday...

A glimmer of hope and some interesting news

Yesterday, KB and I helped her parents clean out her crazy aunt's house. Her great aunt is suffering more and more from mobility and dementia issues and it just isn't a good idea for her to live by herself anymore. Cleaning out her house was quite an experience. The woman was a hoarder. For those who don't know what this means, she is a pathological pack-rat, collecting everything that she doesn't need and holding on to it for dear life. She had a lot of unused random things, such as embroidered "hers" pillow-cases---which we definitely kept because we think "hers and hers" pillows are funny. She also had a lot of unused pots, fondue forks--but no fondue maker, and old flashbulbs for cameras from the 1980's and before...a whole nightstand full of them. The best discovery of the day, was by far, a few unused baby clothes items that were actually quite cute...that and the nativity scene that according to KB looks like "jesus action figures."

While at KB's crazy aunt's house, we spent a lot of time talking to her mom, who is an OBGYN nurse and knows we are TTC. We were talking about symptoms, etc., and we found out that the symptoms KB has been having for the past week cannot be due to the clomid as she was not on a very high dose and the drug should have been out of her system about 2 weeks ago. This was a glimmer of hope...

The other very cool news, was that it might be possible for me to actually breast-feed our future baby as well. Apparently, many mothers who have adopted newborns have been able to breastfeed after taking some hormones for a couple of months prior to the babies' births. I obviously still need to do a ton of research on this as I am not going to ingest hormones without knowing potential side effects and consequences...but how cool is this? This is especially good news, as KB might not be able to breast feed as she had a substantial breast reduction 15 years ago. This was by far the high point in my day. That and the fact that KB's mom can snatch us a bunch of free pregnancy tests...

Other than that, we are counting down the days until D-day...Friday...as we are not testing until then.

I hate this stupid game

I woke up this morning in a foul mood...both times. Let me explain something. I live in an "S" shaped condo building on one of the outer wings. In our little section of the S-curve there are about 12 units, 6 of whom we are pretty friendly with. We have bi-weekly cook-outs during the summer, watch each other's pets when they are on vacation, hang out with one couple's children, and just all around like eachother as neighbors. Almost all of us in this little section own our condos. One does not...they are on the 3rd of 3 floors, we are on the first of three floors. There is just one condo between us and them...and they are 22 years old in a big and excititng city.

Last night, I was awoken from a very pleasant sleep at 3:45 am, by several noises. These young neighbors of ours were apparently having some people over, and these people decided it was okay to ring everybody's buzzer in the whole entire building in order to try and get in. Our buzzers are clearly labelled. If it is not your last name or your host's last name...don't ring the damned buzzer at the crack of fucking dawn!

The doorway is more or less directly outside our bedroom window, which we sleep with open during the summer months. They were loud and unruly and I was quickly becoming furious. I ignored the first buzzer ringing...the second time, being tired of also listening to my ferocious 17-lb guard dog sound the alarms, I got up and went to my front door to buzz the bastards in. By the time I got there, it was too late, their friend had finally buzzed them in. I wanted to open my front door and have some words, but I realized that I forgot to put on pants...and while we are friendly with our neighbors, there is a line that should not be crossed.

I went back to bed, and not more than 30 seconds later, the host was screaming out his livingroom window to some more friends on the sidewalk below...why they need to have a conversation through their window at this time of night? Alcohol...it is to blame. I was pissed off beyond all belief. Not only had I been woken up, but I also had to physically get up to try and take care of the situation and calm my dog down, only to find out that they had already gotten in...and stomped up the stairs loudly like a heard of fucking elephants...and the worst part about it was that I probably would not be able to fall asleep for at least an hour. I have to be in a completely zen state to nod out...and I was definitely not feeling very zen right about now.

I start to get out of bed to make my second attempt at confronting them...this time with more purpose and drive to accomplish this feat...but my beautiful unaffected wife says to me, " honey...leave them alone, they are barely out of college and just having a good time. You were at the same place once."

No, I was not. I never stomped up my neighbors stairwell, or those of my friends, being loud and obnoxious. I never rang the buzzers of people I didn't know in the middle of the night. I did what you are supposed to do...begin the party sober, stay there, get drunk, and spend the night...then leave the next morning quietly so as not to attract attention or have to explain one's self.

And if I was ever as obnoxious and just plain as rude as these people, I would of expected somebody to confront me. How else will they learn?

I didn't confront them. I did what my wife asked and went back to bed...but neither of us could sleep right away and all of a sudden KB had to pee. So we decided, maybe this would be a good time to pee on a stick. 11dpo and we still are not pregnant folks. But it is okay, because we are still 5 days off from KB's expected period. At this point, the HPT's are only 50% accurate...that is the same as flipping a damned coin. Maybe I should create my own test, it would cost me a quarter rather than $18.99 and the outcome would be just as valid and reliable.

I am really starting to hate this whole wait and we decided we are not testing again until d-day...this upcoming Friday. If I couldn't sleep before, I definitely could not sleep very well after this news. It took me an hour and a half to doze off. And I woke up depressed and tired, and not looking forward to a day with family.

The back porch cookout is this evening. Maybe I will go and tell the 22 year-olds off. If they show up. They might still be sleeping after their long night of annoying their neighbors.

Is this even my wife?

For the past few days, KB has been extremely moody...in fact...she's been the most emotional and irritable that I have ever seen her be. Yesterday, for instance, she snapped at me several times, started crying randomly (without any known triggers whatsoever) more than once, and was extremely sensitive. We were going to a friends house for dinner and to hang out. I asked her if she was going to wear what she had on...in a completely harmless non-critical way (afterall, she was wearing what she wore to work that day...which is not typically what she chooses to wear outside of work). She piped back, "yeah. Is that what YOU ARE WEARING?!"

Yikes.

Let me explain something. My wife is never this sensitive. Not even before her period.

Before the day was up, I was desperately wishing I had decided to go hang out with some other friends without her. So why is she this moody? Is it a sign of possible pregnancy? We are on 10dpo today. Or is it a side effect of clomid? I looked up the side effects, and mood swings were not listed. Perhaps it is a rare side effect that only happens to my wife. Part of me hopes it was the clomid. At least then there would be a glimmer of hope that this would not continue throughout pregnancy. At the same time, I really want it to be a sign of pregnancy...but if that is the case, I am going to have to start drinking....heavily. We will see. KB reported that she doesn't FEEL pregnant today. Well, yesterday she didn't "feel" irritable and irrational. But she was.

Cheers or no cheers

We had dinner with some friends last night...which was interesting because we are not telling a lot of people we know that we are actively trying AS WE SPEAK! They offered us champagne to toast a recent accomplishment....and through both KB and my heads...went the following:



"Crap...I can't refuse it...that would be extremely rude...but what if we are pregnant...we could hurt the baby...it's a good thing there is not chance in hell that we actually are pregnant...but we might be...although we haven't felt symptoms for days....but maybe it's too early to tell...there is absolutely no way that we are pregnant--we'd feel it if we were...but all the same...we don't want to harm the possible baby in order to be polite..." and on and on and on.



In the end, KB took a half glass of champagne and pretended to drink it...maybe had one sip. I of course, being on an emotional rollercoaster these past several days decided that this was a great opportunity to calm the nerves. Hell...if KB might be eating for two soon...I might be drinking for two...at least at social gatherings! :)



So yesterday afternoon, KB felt a weird cramp in her uterus that she had never felt before. We are hoping...and being painfully optimistic...that this could be implantation. Today is 9dpo. Nothing major to report...other than the weird cramp yesterday, some light boob soreness, and some moodiness/emotional stuff...but hell...that could be a side-effect of merely being on this roller-coaster. We gave in this morning and POAS. Negative...what did we expect. We are thinking that we might switch brands to a more sensitive test and try again on either sunday or monday which will be 11/12dpo...we'll see if we can make it that far! Good thing we have a lot of fun things to do this weekend to keep ourselves occupied...although at least one of those activities involves a toddler...ugghhh.

We're hoping for a "magical baby" soon. And the story on that is that if we have a positive this month, the baby is magical...because the cubs have won every game (including the first no-hitter in decades) since the baby's likely conception. So it is magical. And if the cubs should happen to have a bad day...then the baby becomes un-magical...and is just an average baby...which we are fine with too. :)

the back story

So I realized that I never fully discussed the background for our "baby story." My wife and I met and fell in love quickly. We moved-in together before being together for a year. We were engaged on our 1 year anniversary...and married 14 months later. Before she came around, I was utterly afraid of committment...it just was not my cup of tea. I was in and out of relationships faster than you could say, "be my girlfriend?" And I did not like to have discussions about "defining relationships"...they made me anxious. Then along came KB. She was pretty and blonde, I am dark and mysterious...she was quirky, I am nerdy...she was spontaneous, I like things planned and organized...she was funny, and I like to think that I am but have been informed that this is not true. We are so different, and yet so much alike. And I knew pretty quickly that I wanted to keep this one...for as long as the universe will let me.

A week before I moved in, we bought our first baby...bailey (scroll down to bottom of page). He is a 17 lb half-yorkie/half-poodle and all ass-hole puppy...and we love him. He was actually our impetus for moving in together. We didn't want him to "be from a broken home." So that was it.

KB and I have been talking about babies since before I moved in. We went to an LGBT family conference, read books, and created timelines. At least 10 of our good friends either have children or are currently pregnant. I started sewing baby clothes over 2 years ago....seriously...we have about 50 different items in our "baby trunk" that I have made. KB is 6 1/2 years my senior...and in the past year...her biological clock has gone from a moderate tick to the sound of a gong. Mine has not been much better. The baby radar goes off every time a pregnant woman enters my 1/2 mile radius....which is constant since I live in a large urban city...across from a children's park no-less.

So why now? Besides all of the preparation that has gone into this...we have at least five more reasons...(I like lists)

1) KB isn't getting any younger and we would both like to carry one before the chances of developmental and physical complications increase.

2) I am applying for my year-long clinical internship (it's like residency for doctors)...which will begin anywhere from 10-12 months from now. If we have the baby before I start, there will be a nice natural break where I can also stay home with the newborn.

3) There is a chance that for said internship, we will be moving across the country and KB will have to get a new job. Wouldn't it be great to start maternity leave before that happens and take advantage of the family medical leave act?

4) Because of the possibility of said potential move...we may have to find another OBGYN in a new city if we wait any longer...NO NO NO NO NO. We like our OBGYNie...a lot.

5) Because when is anyone completely prepared for a baby in all aspects of their lives. If we wait for all the conditions to be perfect...we will be retired. It is time to get on with the show.

So in January of 08, we began the process. We went to a fertility specialist in the area and had some tests done. KB had polyps in her uterus...so she had surgery to prepare the baby's room. Then we were married...then we paid off all our credit card and medical debt and started saving money. Before we knew it, it was August! So we took a few weeks to pick our sperm donor. The first one we picked was perfect. Native-American like me, and in the same field. But alas...he was not available to new customers. So then we picked some others...but they had never had any successful home pregnancies. Then we found Mr. SuperSperm. Apparently, he is the Michael Phelps of sperm donors. We contacted some families that have used him on the DSR and saw pictures of their beautiful beautiful children. And we bought our first round.

The day came to pick up the tank...and it was almost a scene out of some weird and twisted horror film. The doctor (who lives in the same city as us) brought the tank home to her house after work, and we went and picked it up there. We pulled in...behind her condo...into the alley. Got out, and watched her open the tank, which spewed nitrogen gas like some sort of fog machine in a low-budget film. She showed us how to pull out the vials so not to burn our hands...and we buckled the tank into the back seat...imagining the whole way home that it was our baby in it's car seat. We are pathetic!

the night of the first insemination...may have been too soon. Because KB is on clomid, it is hard to detect an LH surge...so we guessed by the quality of her CM. To all my knowledge...she was fertile. It was not as romantic as I would have liked...more of a wham bam thank ya maam kind of deal. And afterwards, she laid in bed with her hips propped up eating an ice-cream sandwhich, while this pseudo gynocologist cleaned up.

And here we are. a week and a half later. We are pretty sure she ovulated on Thursday...she felt some definate ovary pain that day...I wonder what our "magical baby" (there is a story behind this...but it will wait for tomorrow's post) will be...an astronaut or a doctor?!

hmmm....

Better late...than never

TA DA! Welcome to my blog. I have resisted starting a blog for quite a while...until I discovered that my partner KB has been writing a blog about our journey into marriage and motherhood for quite some time. Then I started reading countless other lesbian fertility and motherhood blogs and I made another discovery: it is always the carrying mothers that post...and never the other half. So here I am. I am a hopefully-mom-to-be-soon who is pushing 30, finishing her PhD, and hoping for a "magical baby" with each insemination.

Today marks 8dpo. It is our first attempt at pregnancy, with an at-home insemination. KB is on clomid (50mg)--which we discovered is a cruel cruel drug as it mimics pregnancy symptoms...seriously...they couldn't find another way to stimulate egg release? And because I have always been an over-acheiver, and we want to give this shot our all, we purchased 3 vials of sperm this month...and we used them all...last Tuesday night, Thursday night, and for good measure--Friday at dawn.

We realize that we might not get pregnant during the first month...and that many other women have had a lot of difficulties, including many close friends....we feel for you, and hope that we don't ever have to experience that pain first-hand.

At the same time...and maybe it is because I am a newbie...I have found myself on the 2ww rollercoaster....and it is not stopping anytime soon! The first few days after we inseminated...I felt really good...like this might be it...afterall, we bought "super-sperm," the best donor with the highest success rate at Midwest Sperm Bank...and we bought three whole vials!

3-4dpo, KB had some random possible pregnancy symptoms...which we realize is impossible...but for some reason my mind likes to think that perhaps she is "not a normal human" and that she is capable of feeling her pregnancy before science would deem it possible. Turns out, it was probably the clomid that caused those.

Her boobs were really sore around 6dpo, but then they weren't at the end of 7dpo. I checked her cp...it was high and soft, and there was a lot of lotion-like mucous on the vaginal walls...

And now I think I am just sucked into all the pregnancy folklore crap on-line. I can't stop looking up symptoms...it's like an addiction, only it doesn't make me feel better when I feed it, it makes me feel worse...more anxious...and tired...so why do I still do it? Because I am obsessed...that is why. Last night we succumbed to our temptations and took an HPT. Negative...of course. It was only 7dpo!

I think I am going insane...I hate this already...we better not have to do this too often. I will never be able to get any work done if I am constantly in a 2ww!

KB just called as I was writing. She is feeling some light cramping in her uterus...could this be implantation? gotta go...I need to do more on-line "research."