Break time...

Blood test was negative. I am sick of the yo-yo-ing...

Will be back in March.

a conundrum

So, this is weird. KB never got her period...less than a tsp. of actual blood...the rest was this brown gunk which lasted a total of maybe 24 hours and then suddenly stopped. What the hell is this stuff anyway?

So, no period symptoms, no real period--just some spotting, a lot of brown gunk---which has now ended.

Many negative sticks, none that are clearly positive--although, KB thought she saw a faint faint line this morning---I didn't really see it.

We don't know what this means and are trying not to get our hopes up, which is really really really difficult given that this is cd32/18dpo. KB has never had a cycle longer than 28 days in her life, nor has she skipped a period...and she always gets period symptoms...like clockwork.

We are going to test again in two days, and play it safe alcohol/caffeine-wise until we know for sure. If we do not get a visit from AF by Thursday/Friday we are going in for bloodwork.

My earlier pessimism (yesterday) is replaced with cautious optimism...we will keep you posted.

Not pregnant...and taking a break

nope. not pregnant. Could have been a chemical pregnancy...who knows for sure...and really...who cares at this point. And now, due to timing and uncertainty about our living situation exactly 9 months from now, we are forced to take a break until February 23rd, when I find out where we are going for my residency/clinical internship. I finished stuffing my application packets this morning, which was surreal. I can see the end of my PhD on the horizon...it feels pretty good. One chapter, starting to close, and hopefully in 4 1/2 months another will be beginning.

KB has decided to use this time wisely...engage in some serious working out and better preparing our minds and bodies for the trials of pregnancy...and she is going to add another day to her volunteering and start studying for the GRE's. Perhaps she will begin her masters in Library Science next semester...I think that this is a great idea.

As for me, I am going to try and pull together a few manuscripts for publication, and focus heavily on my dissertation data collection. And of course, I have to prepare for upcoming interviews for the above mentioned internship sites...so that is something to fill my time. I'd also like to drop maybe 10 lbs...that is a realistic goal I think.

And before we start this madness all over again, I think we are going to go on a mini vacation...some place warm and sunny...to just relax and clear our minds. I really don't want to be THAT couple...the one that keeps trying and trying, but it never happens. I guess nobody wants to be that couple...and I know we have only tried twice now...but every BFN sends you into an even greater stage of irrationality and fatalism.

That is where we are at. I probably will not post much in the months ahead...see you in March.

nope...or are we wrong?

a few hours after posting the last post, KB called and told me she started her period. So we have resigned ourselves to the fact that we won't be pregnant in 2008. We have to take a break until February when we find out where I am doing my residency.

When KB came home, she showed me the blood...brown...and only when she wiped...so far. So now I am going crazy. I have been reading about late implantation bleeding, or expelling implantation bleeding around the time of your regular period, which sometimes tricks people into thinking they aren't pregnant. Could we in fact actually be pregnant and that is what this is. I guess we will just have to wait and see if it turns color.

Now I can't sleep.

this sucks.

Symptoms?

Today is 14dpo. We have been symptom free...until last night. KB has been uber-thirsty...we are talking like maybe a gallon of water yesterday. And a ton of very clear very watery discharge...which our OBGYN mother/mother-in-love told us is likely to be pregnancy hormones! Yay! Let's hope!

Other than that...nothing...which is interesting, because KB typically has very clear period symptoms approximately 3-4 days before her period...which is due tomorrow...and we have nothin...no moodiness...no sore boobs...no extreme fatigue...and no crying about our cat being misplaced from her home because of our dog who apparently terrorizes her at every chance he can get...which is strange because this happens like clock-work every month.

Given the absence of period symptoms, and a few potential pregnancy symptoms (although everything is a potential pregnancy symptom...who are we kidding?)...we broke down this morning and took a pregnancy test. It was negative.

But, it is still one day before her period is due, and it is not an early pregnancy test, it is the kind they use at the OBGYN's office...which is not uber-sensitive to hormones...you gotta have a lot of those suckers raging through your body before it will detect it. And KB drank a gallon of water yesterday, which may have diluted the hormone somewhat. So it is still too early to tell...and we are still okay and not freaking out...and fine with whatever happens.

On that positive note...we have some news. One of KB's best friend's just gave birth to twins, after a long ttc journey full of miscarriages and IVF. So today we welcome, Lucille (Lucy) and Cassidy into the world. And now we have to go with one of our back-up names for a girl, because our first pick has been Lucy for about 3 months now. so sad...good thing we have some other fantastic names!

12 dpo and going strong

It is amazing how ttc can bring out your most comfortably hidden neuroses. For the most part, this month has been a breeze compared to last...but then, when I am feeling comfortable and oblivious to the wait, all of a sudden I am struck by a sudden need to worry about anything and everything related to ttc and our future as mothers. What if one of us loses our job? What if baby b is not treated well by his/her peers? What if we are horrible mothers? What if I can't handle the stress of it all? What if we have to move across the country? What if (fill in the blank here)?

That is where I am at...periodic bouts of worry in an otherwise boring 2ww. Nothing going on. No symptoms...still. We fought the urge to test again this morning...and I have to say I am quite proud of us for doing so. Saturday can't come fast enough, but I am confident we can wait until then to test...it is only 4 more days...that's nothin!

And now a quick change of topic...for which I have no transition...sorry for the abruptness of it all...

I am tired of people telling us to be patient and wait and how they have tried to conceive forever and are worried about not being fertile...blah blah blah. Let me clarify, I am tired of people who are in their early to mid-twenties and are in heterosexual relationships where the sperm is on tap complaining about these things. Let me make something clear...we are not in the same boat...we will never be in the same boat. We are older, worried about our rapidly dropping chances of conceiving, and we pay for our sperm...which adds up quickly. We can't just have sex every night and day to "help increase our chances" and there are only so many inseminations that this pseudo-gynocologist can handle in a 72 hour period...both emotionally and financially.

That said, to all of you who are in a similar boat (i.e. gay and over the age of 30), please don't take offense to my rantings. I am just frustrated. And I know many of you have been through a lot that I never would wish upon anyone...even the aforementioned younger heterosexual couples.

Okay..and now that that hormonal rage is released...I have to get some work done...

until tomorrow...

10 dpo...still nothing...

Hard day yesterday...I almost had to flush the pregnancy sticks...still no signs or symptoms...except that we felt the urge to bake/cook all weekend long. So now we have a fully stocked freezer of pureed butternut squash soup, applesauce, spaghetti sauce, and brownies. The great thing, is that I got to try out my new food processor...and I became inspired. I have decided that I am going to make our baby food once we actually have a baby. It's pretty exciting...let me tell you. When I get a project going, I go crazy. Seriously. I hate stopping once I have started and I can never make one batch of anything...if it isn't at least a triple batch I am annoyed...so once we finally are pregnant...we will need another freezer.

Two years ago, I started making baby clothes for fun...now we have a whole chest full of baby clothes...something like 45 different items. At several points during that project, our house looked like a sweatshop. I think one day, I made 15 onesies. So I am sort of a compulsive project doer. I recognize this...which is why it is dangerous when I discover something new...like the food processor. I am fighting back the urge right now to go make 10 gallons of split pea soup.

At least it would be a wonderful distraction from the 2ww...which is getting harder...but still nothing compared to last month.

here comes the irrationality

9dpo. No signs of pregnancy...but a little bit of irrationality from KB. We fought the urge to test this morning and were successful for today...who knows about tomorrow. We made it about 9 days without any freaking out. I would say that is pretty good.

I'm going to try to remain calm. I feel like there is so much riding on this month. If we aren't pregnant, we have to wait to try until the end of February...for timing issues and possibly moving issues...so that is what sparked the moment of irrationality this morning. That and the fact that EVERYONE WE KNOW is having a baby. Some of them didn't even try...they were "suprised." imagine that. too bad I will never know what that feels like. This whole ordeal sucks...bigtime.

We are watching our friend's baby tomorrow for a few hours. Could not be worse timing for us right now...although it might distract us from our suddenly invasive and persistent thoughts of being pregnant. Ugghhhhh....

Life is coming together...one day at a time

So today is 7dpo. And this is the first time all day I have thought about that...we are halfway through the two-week wait...and no craziness so far. I have not once checked symptoms online (maybe because we haven't really had any) and there have been no tears shed yet...no raging emotions. So it has been pretty good.

Two days ago, I had my court date to change my last name legally to that of KB. So now I am Stacey RJB. I did not want to completely part with my last name...so it became a second middle name. So now I feel like more cohesive of a family unit...which is silly really...but sometimes it is the little things that mean the most.

And today i have been working from home all day, entering people into my research study online, etc. It has only been available for 2 days, and I already have 54 research participants...I might hit 75 before the day is through! That is pretty cool. I need to collect at least 750...but if it goes by really fast, I might collect until I get to 1000. So work life is going well too.

And the elections. They seem to be going the way that our family wants lately...so we are hopeful and optimistic about this historic event...

Now, wouldn't it be great to introduce a baby into the mix when everything is going oh so well?!!! I think it would just be the icing on my cake.

fingers crossed.

6 dpo and symptom free

no symptoms...and no real freak outs yet either. For the most part, we are pretending we aren't in a tww...which works...most of the time. we thought we might have some implantation bleeding this morning...very very light pink...but as with all pregnancy signs...we are learning that this could be a whole host of other possibilities as well...

so the good news is...not freaking out...the bad news is...no real symptoms yet...although...it is still very very early.

Come to think of it...KB has been very tired lately. Hmmm.....

So tired...

today is 4dpo.

And I came home to my wife...fast asleep. Not only did she crash out early...but she also informed me earlier today that she was so tired at work--she had to take a 15 minute power snooze in her office at work.

She is either coming down with something, pregnant, or freakishly tired for no real reason at all...

I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...I am not reading into this...

This is where the craziness starts. I postponed it at least 3 days later from last month....I am going to try and fight the oncoming urge to do online "research" re: strange and abnormal pregnancy signs.

urgh...

Totally not on my mind...

So...last month, all I could think about was whether or not we were pregnant. This month, I have not thought about it until now...and it is already towards the end of 2dpo!

It is amazing what happens when you try and busy your life so much so that you cannot think about it. It actually works sometimes.

Anyway...just checking in...today is day 2...we will test on October 25th...one day after her expected period.

Now...back to scrubbing every inch of my condo. You laugh...but I am being quite literal....every inch...it's "fall cleaning" and my way of distracting myself.

Surging Surging Surging!

cd13 and we have lift off. KB called midday to tell me that the OPK is positive...and we have our first detectable LH surge. Last month we never got a positive, which we are attributing to the clomid since it has been known to mess up OPK's.

So today was LH surge, and there were other signs of ovulation...a little EWCM...tomorrow there will probably be a boatload. First insemination of the cycle was tonight...second will be tomorrow night.

Last month we were all romantic about the whole deal...my how the romance dies. This time it was more like a medical procedure, then we watched biggest loser with KB's feet up in the air...I should have taken a picture.

WooHoo. tomorrow starts the dreaded two week wait. I am not going to get my heart all in it and get crazy this time...if it works it works...if it doesn't, we will try again. But I really hope that it works...of course.

please please please please please please please!

over my anger...and ready to bake

cd12. We aren't sure if KB is ovulating yet or not. No LH surge yet...so probably not. But there has been some CM...not totally egg-white...so again...it's probably early. And we did a cream treatment to balance out the PH in there...so it could be some of that coming out. Who knew that citrus body wash from trader joes could throw off your PH balance and be a hostile environment for swimmers? hopefully we have that taken care of now.

We pick up the tank tonight...and then it is the waiting game...the fun part. What sucks is the fun part ends quickly and then it is at least two more weeks of hell. I hate the second half of the month. It sucks donkey balls.

On a different note...I am over my anger about yesterday's tire-jacking...at least for the most part. I will either take the car in to be fixed today or thursday. KB keeps telling me that the person who took the tire is just trying to feed their family. I don't know if there is any truth to that statement whatsoever...but I am never going to know if it is false and I would rather think it was true to save my blood pressure.

Here's to cd12. And here is to a July baby!

I am ready to move

Scene: Our car at 5:30 am this morning.

KB: What is that noise?
me: What noise?
KB: It sounds like we are dragging something.

I get out to look around...."What the hell!?!" Somebody had stolen the spare tire off of the back of our RAV-4. And the cover was stuck to the bottom of the car, dragging behind us on our way to the gym. So I got the cover un-stuck and cursed all the way to the gym, noticing along the way, all of the other SUV's with missing back tires and covers laying beside them...just tossed aside. "Well, at least we weren't targeted..."

So then, on the way to work, my tire pressure indicator light comes on...and I am thinking..."sh*t...just my luck that there would be a problem on the day that my spare tire is stolen." Turns out, there are sensors in all five tires and the light comes on if it cannot read one. Given the fact that it was stolen and is probably far far away, I take comfort in the fact that myt security features of my car are actually working...that is a plus. So I go get an estimate to get the tire replaced, the light turned off, and for the hell of it, locking lugnuts-one for each tire...so that I never have to deal with this again. Approximately $800. Yikes. Good thing I have insurance...and the deductible is $250. Even though it sucks that I have to pay anything when something was stolen from me. Bastards. I dare them to try it again.

And I am now officially ready to move out of the city. That was my last straw...that's all it took.

So many plans...and time just flies on by.

cd10. Already? Wow...this half of the month sure does seem to go quickly!

We began our OPK today. KB thought she felt a pain in her ovary like when she ovulates...but it is kind of early for her as well...who knows, maybe the clomid threw us out of whack last month. No clomid this month. We have been reading a lot about it thinning the lining, and KB's period was so so light...so we are going to go it alone this month. KB is also going on an antihistamine flush because it decreases EWCM. So she is sneezing up a storm without her allergy medicine...and I am daydreaming about a time when we tell our kids how hard we had to work to get them and guilt-tripping them with, "your mother was miserable...she sneezed for 3 weeks and had really itchy and puffy eyes because she wanted you so bad."

Swimmer pick-up is on Tuesday, and maybe even insemination that night...we shall see.
OPK was negative....not quite time...good because I had a lot to do this weekend....and we don't have the tank of baby-possibles yet.

I feel good about this month. But if it doesn't happen, I will also be okay...because I know that many of you have tried for a very long time and that often it happens when we least expect it...randomly and without reason.

That said, I sure hope this is the month...if not, we won't be able to start again until February/March, due to some timing issues with us possibly moving next July/August and KB needing to qualify for the family medical leave act. If we find out that we are staying in Chicago (which we will know on February 23rd), then we will start right back up again, and if we are moving, it will unfortunately be a 9 month wait until we can begin again. That is plan B in detail (because I am big on context).

But let's hope plan A works.

too efficient...

A colleague and I were criticized at work for being too efficient today...that is the funniest criticism I have ever received...and I think I will take it as a compliment.

Apparently the administrative assistant is feeling slighted because we don't spend a quarter of our day making chit chat with her and sometimes ignore her when she comes into our office because we need to get work done. Now, if she made chit chat for 5 minutes a day, that would be one thing...but when the woman talks your ear off for an HOUR AT A TIME (and this is unfortunately not an exaggeration) that is another story...and I am not going to lie, I find myself deliberately not responding to her conversations because if she sucks me in I am afraid I will never come back up for air.

I am a busy lady. Aside from finishing my PhD and doing some extra statistical consulting work, I am also trying to get my wife pregnant and am dealing with these stupid stupid health issues. So I am sorry if I don't have time to add the administrative assistant to my case-load of therapy.

On the bright side....today is cd6, I am having an echo-cardiogram tomorrow to help in figuring out why I am not adequately diffusing oxygen from my lungs to my heart, and my residency applications will be out of my living room in exactly 3 1/2 weeks...so life will pick up again really soon.
:)
too efficient. HA.