Life on hold...

It's been a while. Sorry. A lot has happened since my last post. We found out that I have been matched for my predoctoral clinical internship in Massachusetts. Since we currently live in Chicagoland...we are mixed about this information. Super excited to be moving to the Boston area...super sad to be leaving our family, friends, and home in Chicago.

That said, there are a ton of great things about going to Boston. We found an adorable little community in the suburbs that we love and will probably look to for house renting. My new health insurance plan at the hospital where I will be working, covers fertility...100% (minus an office co-pay)...including up to 5 rounds of in-vitro...for both me and my wife, who will be officially recognized in the great state of Massachusetts. So yeehaw! These are all great things...legally married, baby financed by my employment, internship that will most likely become a post-doc fellowship--and then a job, potential for a back-yard for our current dog (and according to the deal between me and my wife, a second dog!), a state and city full of history, a new place to explore together...lots and lots of good things.

But good things come at a cost. For us, there are a lot: moving--both in terms of finances and in terms of the terrible loneliness that could ensue, what to do with our condo?, putting baby off again...until the new health insurance kicks in, loss of KB's current job...and a search for a new one in a terrible time to be looking for a job, being away from family and good friends...probably permanently as we are looking at this as a "relocation."

We have been dealing with this news fairly well, all in all. There are sad days, of course, but they are becoming more and more few. At the moment, I feel like I am in limbo. Can we just go already? And even as I write that, I feel anxious about all the details that aren't taken care of yet. We leave in July. 4 months. That is a lot of time and also very little time...depending on what you are looking at. Too early to find a renter. Too early to find a place to live in Mass. Relatively early to begin packing (although we are starting this because we have nothing else to concentrate on). Not enough time left with family and friends.

KB already has a few interviews and some possibilities in Mass. The best part is that there is no rush with the interviews. We are going to fly to Boston in June to look for a place to live and KB can wait to interview until then. This means we more-than-likely will not be seperated during the move (i.e. KB going ahead for a few months). This is good. I don't like spending nights away from KB. It sounds stupid and "too dependent." But, really it is none of these things. She just happens to be my best friend, that's all. And I like her more than all of the rest of the people on this planet...so it sucks when we have to spend a day or two apart...

And even though the details are not yet taken care of...I just want to be there...not have to deal with the headache of the next four months of preparation...start a job that I am going to love and leave one that drives me bonkers (well...not the job actually...just the incompetent people I work with)...begin our exploring...I'm on the upswing of excitement again...LET'S JUST GO ALREADY!

The swing from pessimism to optimism

I am now in a good mood. Let me explain...nope...too much, let me sum up. So I started applying for the doctoral clinical internship/residency year approximately mmmmmm 5 months ago. Applications were sent out approximately 6 weeks ago. About 1 1/2 weeks ago, I got my first rejection, followed by my second. But yesterday...drumroll please...I GOT MY FIRST INTERVIEW at one of my top choices, which by the way, happens to have a pretty damned good reputation both in the Chicago area and nationally. So---that is exciting. Now I only have to wait for about 15 other places to let me know my interview status. Fortunately, this is a time-limited wait, as they are all required by APPIC rules to contact us and inform us of our status by December 15th. As long as I get 3-4 more interviews, I will be golden and won't have to worry about not matching....which would really suck because that would mean doing this whole process all over again. I'd rather become a housewife.

But alas...move over beethoven...because I may very well land an awesome placement...fingers crossed.

Saying goodbye to old friends...

Today was a sad day for me...very sad actually. I felt that it was time that I say goodbye to an old friend who is not really a friend anymore. Now, I should mention that I am not in the habit of excommunicating my friends, no matter how much we disagree or differ. However, sometimes, I believe that it is necessary to discontinue a relationship or contact because there are certain relationships that are so hurtful, toxic even, that they negatively affect every area of one's life and keep them from being happy and healthy. This was basically the reason that I ended this relationship.

I first became friends with P when I was 12 years old, and he and his wife were in their 20's. They were like surrogate parents to me at a time when I was not getting along terribly well with my biological parents. I quickly became very close with P and his wife. When their son was born, I became their pseudo-nanny. I say pseudo because nobody ever called me that...but for all intensive purposes, I was their nanny. I was at their house about half of the week...until they moved away right before my Junior year of high school.

Another important piece of information, is that I grew up in a mega-church...that's right...the people in my home-town jokingly (most of the time) called it the "god-dome." Thousands of members attended and particiated in activities at this church. P was also a member of this church. When I met P, he was a moderate in terms of his religious views. However, over the course of the last decade and a half, he has become as conservative as they come. He is now a pastor (this is the reason he moved away as mentioned above...he went to seminary). I stayed in touch with him mostly by phone for the last decade. About a year ago, I reconnected with him on facebook. It was then that I realized just how much he has changed.

I feel like the last 6 months have been just one intolerant post after another. In the beginning I would engage in intellectual debates with him about his positions, politically, socially, and religiously. After a while, it just became too hard to even talk to him, yet alone engage in a debate. I found out that he really didn't attend my wedding because of "my sins" (a.k.a. being gay). Back in the day we used to plan that he would be the minister at my wedding...that didn't happen. And now, I feel like I am daily becoming emotionally upset and angry for the intolerant comments and views he posts. I know what he believes in regarding abortion, being gay, liberals, and Obama...and frankly, I don't need to see them posted in hurtful ways all over my facebook page.

So, since I know that he is not going to change his behavior, and I also know that staying in contact with him means risking my emotional health and daily balance, I have decided to say goodbye. This relationship has not been supportive or productive for over a decade. And why do I need him constantly commenting on my life and my choices. It's not good for me. It's not good for my family. Still...it is hard. Like I said, I don't typically cut people out of my life. But I have contemplated this for a while...and it is the healthy thing to do...

Goodbye P. I hope that someday, you are inspired by a message of love, tolerance, and progress. And I hope that you will someday think farther than two feet in front of you. Until then...

Well I didn't want to go there anyway..

I got my first rejection letter from residency programs today. It is way too early to be worrying about notices from places, but from here on out, they will slowly trickle in until December 15, which is the deadline for interview notification. I applied to 19 places, so of course I am expecting some to not even want to see my face for an interview...but it would have been nice to have the first notice be a request for an interview...instead of this "thanks...but no thanks..." letter. After all the work I put into applying, the least they could have done was reimburse my paper costs since I doubt they did a ton of looking at the application. Anyhoo...there you have it. 18 more to hear from. One of which I am 99% sure I will get an interview because I have a very strong and reliable connection to the cite (my advisor used to be the director of the hospital).

I am sort of happy that I am not on two emotional rollercoasters at once. This one doesn't let me off until late February. To think...what would I be like if we were still trying to get pregnant right now. Obviously we would manage...after all, people have had to deal with worse...and I want a baby more than I want a placement for residency...which is for sure saying something since i have been in school for 2 1/2 decades.

In other news...KB and I challenged each other to our very own "biggest loser" contest. Now, when I say this, keep in mind that neither of us is overweight...just pudgy. In fact, we both weigh under 140. That said, in early college I was 100 lbs (of course by late college I had grown two more inches and shattered my ankle, making exercise impossible...). So, our contest is this: whoever loses the greatest percentage of weight in 10 weeks (jan 28) wins a $250 mini shopping spree for clothes. This is saying a lot, since we don't do a lot of shopping...in fact we are pretty frugal with our money, preferring to spend our extra dough on experiential things and practical things (like say...a few grand in sperm). So this contest will be fun. I only have maybe 13 or 14 lbs that I could actually lose without being labeled "underweight." But none-the-less...I was at the gym for 2 hours last night and one hour this morning. I am going to Yoga tonight as well. I will not lose this competition...can't happen. Because I want to go shopping quite badly. And my wife and I never have competitions with this much to win...so that is fun. I am going to enjoy getting all muscular...and KB is considering this part of her journey to prepare her body for pregnancy and to ready us both for motherhood. Wish us luck

Moved by emotion--followed by righteous indignation

So I am back, but not trying to get KB pregnant until March--at the earliest. We find out were we are heading on February 23rd...such a powerful day...it basically determines the next several years of our lives...hmmm.

It has been less painful being not pregnant this past week, but I have been continually annoyed that all of my friends and some not-really-friends-but-facebook-acquaintances from high school and college are either pregnant or working on their families. Many have multiple children at this point, and the headline from one picture..."whoops! What a happy surprise." Bite me. --Okay---Okay...I am happy for them...but am quite jealous, and there may not be anything that can be done about that right now.

In other news, KB and I witnessed history on Tuesday night with 70,000 of Barack's closest friends in Grant Park. It was a surreal experience. I will never forget that night...for many reasons. The crowd was so calm, friendly, and moved. And my wife was SO MOVED...that she fainted. Yep. That's right...fainted. Good thing we were very close to the fence that separated us from the paramedics. And at least she waited until Obama was finished speaking. Her first words when she came to about 20 seconds later were, "Did I miss anything? Was he done speaking?" This was followed by the paramedics grabbing her and putting her in a stretcher. They tried to close the gate on me, but I really was not having any of that. They may have voted to revoke rights in 3 states that night, but Illinois was not one of them (not that we actually have many rights...although Cook County is fairly decent to the gays) and I was going wherever my wife was...even if I had to fight for it...physically. So after a 10 second confrontation, they let me through the gates. KB puked twice...a lovely wine colored substance...right next to (fortunately) the nice paramedic-man's shoes. They then wheeled us away...asked KB all sorts of questions that she was having a hard time answering...so naturally, I tried to help...they weren't having any of that.

"Excuse me miss, we need to hear it from her." Well, if you must, but my memory at this point is probably more accurate. KB has a history of fainting. And we found out later that her mother fainted on the steps of the inauguration speach for LBJ. So apparently it runs in the family. She signed a medical release so that she wouldn't have to go to the hospital...and they, of course, needed a witness...so they turned to me...who 10 minutes prior was apparently not good enough to help them--but now when they need a witness....the female paramedic asked me in a pretty snotty tone, "and what is your relation?" I snapped. She could have said it nicer and not like a complete bi*ch. "I'M HER WIFE" I bellowed. And that was that. KB is fine.

But it was a day that I will never forget...for all sorts of reasons. And sadly, for many of you, it is a day you never thought you would see, where rights that were so recently granted were once again revoked. It will happen. Change takes time...and while I never argue for passivity (and incidentally am not doing right now either)...I do like to take perspective from other struggles. The struggle for gay rights has been relatively accelerated in comparison to rights for other disenfranchised groups in this country. So I am hopeful. Maybe I am naive. But I also believed Barack would be president...and I still believe he will do great things. Time will tell. In the mean time, keep up the good fight. I am there with you...always in spirit, and as often as possible...in person.