Og moving

Until now, we've kept this blog from people we know because it was a good way for us to vent about our frustrations throught ttc and pregnancy. But now the function of our blog has changed and rather than edit all of our old posts so as not to offend family, we've decided just to move. If you'd like to continue reading, please join us at belmontzoo.wordpress.com.

And thanks for providing a sounding board during a very frustrating period of my life.

Last weekend in Massachusetts.

Well we've made it to Saturday-- which means only two days left with the in- laws Because they will be in a different car on the way home. And I've got lots of last minute packing and cleaning to do, not to mention organizing and loading the truck on Sunday! So that's good. I was hoping to move right into our condo once we got to Chicago, but our tenants won't be out until Wednesday morning, so it looks like we will be staying the night at kels parents. The good news is her brother and grandma will also be there and will provide a good buffer. Thatand sveral packages from friends were mailed there so I have something to occupy our time.

I've been handling my frustration and annoyance pretty well. Although kel thinks I've been rude to her parents onmore than one occassion. The word she used was "cold." it's hard not to be when I'm this frustrated and annoyed. Yesterday, I started my morning being made fun of by kels dad for a solid 20 minutes. The subject of the jest was my 7 tattoos and my piercings (which are only in my ears these days). It made me feel like a little kid-which is one of the easiest ways to piss me off. And I guess that sums up my relationship with ger parents. Thet treat both of us like children and don't respect our autonomy and boundaries. They never ask about holiday attendance, but rather they assume we will be there. They butt their way into our business- like our budget and how we raise our daughter (who is only 11days old!). And kels mom even uses this patronizing baby-talk voice when talking to us most of the time. I find it super grating and irritating. Once we get home I'm taking a long break from them. Like several several weeks. They can visit while I'm at work. But I don't want to see them. I'm hoping our relationship won't be permanently scarred fromthe past month. But something tells me things will never be like they were before because I like them a little less now. That's why it's been so hard to be nice to them when they are annoying me and Thats sad to me.

I'm Kind of glad grampa flys in today. It will give grandma someone else to talk to. I go back and forth with how much she annoys me. I feel for her in some ways because I'm pretty sure she knows her presence is not wanted here anymore and she just wants to be helpful. However, I also find myself annoyed by the smallest things. The behavior that's bugging me most right now his her tendency to insert herself into our family decsions. It isn't even about the baby half the time, but I don't really need or want her input. These are family decisions meant for immediate family only, of which she is no longer because we have a new family unit. Kel had asked her to stay out of the baby decisions and stuff, but her mom still feels the need to know every bowel movement and how long Emmy slept. WHY? And I don't even remember what she butted into yesterday (because I'm sleep deprived) but I actually said, "that's a family decision that Kelly and I need to make." her annoyance was never foreseen. I thought kelly's dad would get on my nerves but I have a feeling he won't be nearly as bad as kels mom. It's as if her mom views herself as a third mom and needs to know every little thing. She then reports every little detail to the entire extended family. Can we say enmeshed? And, what if I wanted to make an announcement about her sleep schedule! Joking. But seriously. By her being so over the top it doesn't leave much room for the rest of us to be excited. And she tells everyone everything which leaves us nothing to talk about. I wish she would remove herself from our business a little.

At the hospital, literally 2 minutes after birth kelly's mom was on the phone bawling to everyone. First off, what if I wanted to do that? Secondly, the doctor was trying to talk to us and we couldn't even hear her because of the drama queen in the background. I hope she knows that she doesn't have an open invitation to come over whenever she wants when we get to Chicago. Thank Buddha they live an hour away (2 with traffic!!!).

In an unrelated note, Emmy slept five hours straight last night and I think she's resolved her day and night confusion. This makes both moms really happy!

The mother-in-law is annoying ne a little less the past day or so. I think it's because kel mentioned that I felt like my role was usurped both in the hospital and at home. She's backed off a bit on the baby advice and questioning. I, in turn, have been nicer to her. Thanks for the support on this issue and for letting me vent. I've felt like I have no outlet these past few days.

We are also settling in nicely with routines here. We realized yesterday that it becomes a little difficult to remember when emmy last ate/pooped/etc when you are sleep deprived. So we are going to start a simple log today, only to be used until we know her patterns and routines better. We don't believe in rigid and artificially-imposed schedules with newborns. It messes with their psychological attachment to us. So we will keep a log for a few days.

We had our first pediatrician appt yesterday and Emmy is doing really well. She peed on me at the doctors office after they weighed her and before I could get her diaper back on. It was right on my lap and I looked like I wet myself for a half hour. I'm glad it was only pee this time! We dropped down to 5lbs and 14 oz. She's SO little. In fact, her size newborn clothes fall off her. So we broke down and bought two pairs of premie pants fir when we go out in public. They are still a bit big in the waist because she's so long and skinny. We also-and I hate to say it- broke down and bought one box of premie disposae diapers. We can't wait to use our cloth diapers but they are falling off her right now and not doing their job. I find some comfort in the fact that we purchased diapers made from recycled materials.

We are looking into breastmilk donation. Our pediatrician told us that frozen breastmilk tastes funny and it's hard to keep it from getting freezer burned. She recommended we just keep a few days reserves in the fridge and told us we can refrigerate breastmilk for 7 days. Since there are two of us producing, it doesn't take long to fill up a few extra containers. So we are going to not buy the deep freezer at this point and donate our extra supply instead.

The best news of all: last night the monkey slept all night, and only woke for feedings. She latched onto Kelly well (which as been a struggle for her only with Kelly) and there were no crying jags. Hallelujah!

The good and the bad

While we were in the hospital we got a call from our lawyer with some bad news. The guy who was supposed to buy our condo pulled out a week before the sceduled closing. So, now it looks like we will be moving back to our old condo in Chicago instead of with the wife's parents in the suburbs, and we will need to refinance our place with a 30-year fixed because our balloon payment on a 7 year arm is due in April.

At first I was really upset because we were planning on staying rent-free through the winter and then buying a house next spring. Now it's not clear when we will making that purchase. And on the other hand I was relieved. I think moving in with kel's parents would have done bad things to our marriage. Her mom has been at our place since august 2nd, waiting for the baby and I kind of want to shoot myself. I hate being told what to do, even if the person thinks it's helpful (" go take a nap.") and I don't want any more advice about our unique breastfeeding situation (we are both doing it), I met with a lactation consultant already. Mostly I just feel like she is hovering ALL THE TIME. She was at the birth too and at times I felt invisible in the room. I felt like she usurped my role a bit in the whole process and that she was overly dramatic and shifting attention from where it should be: on our family and our daughter's birth. I'm still pretty upset about what happened there. One thing is for sure: at the next birth, it's just me and my wife.

There's no way I could have lived with her for six additional weeks before they leave for Florida. I need my family to have some space to be a family! So I have 9 more days I have to put up with it. And on Wednesday it will be worse because my father-in-law will be flying in and staying for 5 days before the big move back. I may finish off what remains if the liquor from our wedding 2 1/2 years ago!

I'm becoming nocturnal...although my body is fighting it! My dear daughter has her nights and days all mixed up. Hopefully the problem will correct itself within the next few weeks. She can easily sleep in 4 hour chunks during the day, but at night it's about 30-40 minutes at a time. And she refuses to sleep on her back in her crib. She prefers on her side on mamas chest. She also eats a ton! She's on the boob for an hour at a time most sessions. But she can go four hours in between feedings occassionally throughout the day.

The wife and I are learning a lot about emmy's piccadillos and also...we are learning just how little sleep is needed to function. They weren't kidding when they said we would be sleep-deprived. I knew it would be bad. But I don't think I was prepared for this magnitude of fatigue. I can't wait till she sleeps during the night!

Welcome to the outside world...

Emilia Kate ("Emmy"), who was born this afternoon weighing 6 lbs 5 oz, 19 1/2 inches long, with a full head of golden hair! Labor lasted 24 hours. Wife got an epidural at hour 15, but it wasn't placed properly and offered no relief. The wife had her epidural replaced at hour 23. At that point she was only dilated 4cm. So they started pitocin. 1 pain-free hour later she was fully dilated and you crowning. We were in shock. I thought we were in for a long evening. I was about ready to take a nap when our OB announced it was showtime (and as a side note, how awesome that OUR actual OB happened to be on the floor this week!!). Literally 3 pushes and she was out. We all balled for what seemed like ten seconds but was actually ten minutes. And an hour later, she breastfed for 45 minutes from me, draining me entirely! Kel doesn't quite have milk yet. And due to an extensive surgery she had 17 years ago, we aren't sure she will be ae to). But we are trying. And that is the story of our daughter's birth.

Goodnight. I'm exhausted.

In labor

Started having contractions again yesterday at 2am. They were painful this time and close together. Yesterday afternoon we became a little concerned because our normally squirmy baby was moving a lot less than normal. Called our doc, who said to head to the hospital to get checked. Spent four hours in triage and learned the following: still only 1 cm dilated but 75% effaced, having strong and consistent contractions, amnioitc fluid was a little low. So they recommended an induction to decrease the chances of fetal distress during delivery and c-section. And that's how we found ourselves in labor and delivery last night. We are now 3cm dilated and 90% effaced and the wife is getting an epidural as we speak. She really wanted to do it naturally and I think she's dissappointed that she wasn't able to reasonably do so. But I'm so proud of her. She's doing great. We will hopefully be meeting the bean today!

tricky uterus...I hate you.

These last few days have really sucked. The wife started having "non-painful" contractions on Monday, and by Tuesday evening they were 5-7 minutes apart, so we called the doctor, described them, told her they were close but not really painful. She said to go ahead and go to the hospital. We got there, they monitored everything and checked the wife's cervix. She was only 1 cm dilated and just starting to efface. They told us the contractions weren't strong enough for any significant cervical change, sent us home, and told us to come back when they are "very painful." She had consistent contractions yesterday morning, which began to fade in the afternoon. Has had a total of maybe 5 "slightly painful" contractions in the last 24 hours and now is not having any.

So we went from being in early labor to not in labor at all. Thanks for making up your mind uterus. When this is all over, you are fired!

It feels like a cruel joke...just when we got our hopes up! Oh well, in two weeks we will get to meet her because that is when our induction is scheduled. Hope she comes before it though.

Where things stand

We are at 37 1/2 weeks. The wife is already dilated at least 1cm (on Friday) and she has had an upset stomach the last 24 hours. She also has been having hot flashes and stomach cramps. She started having contractions today. 30 minutes apart right now, so still a ways off, but we are progressing! The mother-in-law (obgyn nurse) is leaving Chicago tomorrow because she thinks it will be soon. So does our doc. Holy hell!

9:45 pm update: contractions averaging 20 minutes apart and a bit stronger. We are progressing!

37 weeks today

Starting to efface and 1cm dilated!

Come on out baby!

Down down down

Drops the baby! The wife belly is hanging lower these last few days and there's a lot more pelvic pressure. Looks like the baby has dropped... Which means about 2-4 wks to go...right on schedule! I love punctuality!

In other news, two weeks until my mother-in-law arrives for her 3-week stay, 5 weeks until we move back to Chicagoland and move in with said mother-in-law, and 11 weeks until the in-laws make there way to Florida for the winter, leaving us with their house rent-free for another 6 months. We are lucky to have such a generous family.

And on an entirely different note, our dog Bailey is recovering from a mass removal surgery in his nether- regions. Poor guy. It hurts for him to walk, pee, stand for too long, and he has to wear the cone of shame until he stops bugging it (which probably means until it's fully healed). He did however enjoy his chicken dinner. It may be hard to get him to eat dog food again!

2 oz a day...

that is how much i'm collecting right now...which is quite a jump from two weeks ago when i was collecting a mere drop or two on each side! so things are going great...sore cracked nipples and all. Lanolin is my new best friend. I never fully realized how much work breastfeeding is. I feel like all I do is pump! When this milk monster arrives I will probably feel like I'm always shirtless. Pumping at work, is going okay...it's not particularly easy to find the time to do it every 2-3 hours...and I am sometimes challenged in terms of space to do it in (especially at a state hospital where nobody has their own office and the bathrooms are so gross I don't want to even pee in them)... but it isn't impossible.

In terms of baby, we had our 36 week ultrasound this morning (3 days early)...she is measuring 5 lbs 6 oz, in the 23rd percentile...so she is on the smaller side of normal, which might make labor much easier for the wife...so I consider that a win...especially because our doctor says there isn't anything to be concerned about at this weight. We saw her sucking during the ultrasound...it was super cute...she's practicing for her big day! We also saw the lungs going, so they are practicing as well...and she had a nice big belly, full of food...so that is great!

We are due exactly one month from today, and since we are moving 10 days later, our doctor has advised us to induce on her due-date if she doesn't come early. They want her at least a week old before the move...so it looks like we are having a baby in THE NEXT MONTH!!! Holy Cannoli. That's crazy! I would prefer that she stay in for another 2 1/2 weeks (that's how much I have left at work)...and then we are set!

I can't wait to see what she looks like and to see what color her hair is (yes...they saw hair on the ultrasound...how crazy is that?!!!)...

Third day

I have milk. Not much (yet). Every day there is more and more. The last pumping session of my first day it was barely a drop of clear on each side. Today, I sm collecting maybe a teaspoon from each and the color has changed to white. It's just matter of time before I begin to let down and substantially produce. Not confident enough yet to declare induced lactation success, but at this point I'm optimistic. The 2am wakeups for pumping may pay off afterall. Those of you who have enduced lactation, how long did it take until you finally let down and were able to get a substantial amount (maybe 3 oz or more)?

Place to live...FOUND

So this morning I got a call from my wife...and for context, we've really been stressing out about the living arrangments when we move back to Chicago because we can't see the place before renting (since we won't be able to get out there due to a very pregnant wife)...and because we are going to be living very frugally next year on my post-doc salary.

It turns out, her parents, who own a two bedroom in the suburbs have decided to go down to their place in Florida starting in October this year and they are staying there until April (with a few weekend visits to see their grandbaby of course)! And they have offered us the use of their house until they get back RENT-FREE AND UTILITIES-FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a major relief. Now the wife does not have to find a job so soon and leave the care of our new infant in the hands of strangers (which there is nothing wrong with...no judgment...it's just, what mother wouldn't prefer to be with her baby for longer than most maternity leaves allow?) and can be at home with the baby during the week until she is about 7 months old. And, the wife can still work for the catering company we used to work for on the weekends to earn a little extra cash for the savings account!

This really is a huge blessing. I'm not really sure how we are going to pay back the in-laws. Perhaps in 10 years we can cover the cost of a 50th anniversary party? That might do it. :)

I'm so happy right now....huge stressor was just removed.

Whirlwind

Ladies and gentlemen, we are moving back to CHICAGO!!!! I got the job!!!!
So with a very young infant, we will be making the trek back to the windy city the beginning of September. I'm totally excited and totally nervous. The wife has to look for a new job, we spent almost all of our savings trying to get pregnant, and I will be making a post-doc salary. But we will be home, supported by our family and friends. And you can't really put a price on that. So now in addition to preparing for baby, I have to pack all uneeded stuff, find a place to live, and all those details.

We live a crazy little life!

Crazy week!

So many things are happening this week, I feel overwhelmed. For starters, I was notified yesterday that I'll be receiving a research award at an international conference I am presenting at in 3 weeks. That was pretty cool to hear...and even better...they are paying for my conference fees and hotel! Nice!

Later yesterday evening, we got a call from our realtor and somebody made an offer on our Condo back home. So now we are counter-offering, and hope to settle only a few grand under our asking price (which was aggressively priced to begin with)...so that is really good news if it all works out!

And I wish I could add my news about the job I am waiting to hear from...but alas...I cannot. I know they met yesterday to discuss the applicants. I know it is between me and one other applicant. I have no idea when I will find out. I've been expecting a call forever now...and it seems like the deadline just kept being pushed back for various reasons. But my best friend (who currently works there) assures me that I should know soon. Which is good...I feel like I've been watching the phone and that is not so good.

No news about the baby really. The wife does have to go in for a third blood transfusion this saturday. She's just not able to keep up with the blood demands from vampire baby. But other than that everything is fine...

It's been a pretty nutsy week so far. I hope it gets even nutsier...like today...comeon major hospital in Chicago...call me already!

30 work days left.

After today, the workday count is down to 30. Of course, I don't work on Fridays anymore (I take my "research hours.")...so it means more than 6 weeks...about 8 to be exact. But man, it feels good to say I only have 30 more days until I can start putting the PhD after my name and until I can earn a little more money (sort of...I have one more year of slave-labor until I'm "licensed."--Ohh the hoops I have to jump through! So one more year of poverty!). And it will mean I am officially done with graduate school. I just have to have my final post-defense draft approved by my dissertation chair, and the cord will be cut.

And in about 8 weeks another cord is going to be cut...great timing :)

Guilty little secret

For mothers' day this year, as a sort of pre-motherhood treat, I ordered two necklaces inscribed with huckleberry's name and what we hope to be her birthstone (we are due mid-august so it felt fairly safe). We just got the necklaces last week, and both of us have been wearing them to work ever since! It feels so dangerous! Probably a dozen colleagues have asked about her name, not knowing that all the while it was written right in front of their noses! Such a fun game. It's the little things that amuse me.

Too soon for nesting?

While I really feel that I have been pretty steadily nesting since at least the 20th week of pregnancy, it has really taken to a new level lately. Ever since entering the third trimester and having the constant reminder that we are having a baby (as evidenced by the wife's rapidly growing belly), I feel this sense of anxiety all of a sudden and I feel compelled to do baby-related stuff to prepare for upcoming motherhood. It isn't so much anxiety about being good parents (although I do feel that periodically when I am impatient with our dog or drivers on the road...and also at other times). It isn't necessarily worry about what might happen at delivery/birth or later in our daughter's life (like hydrocephalous, or distress during delivery, or autism, or bipolar when she's in her 20's, or being hit by a car when she learns to drive...etc). It isn't so much emotional and personal preparedness concerns. I feel emotionally pretty prepared and ready to meet our daughter.

It's physical for sure. The funny thing, is that we have so much stuff for her and have almost everything we might need for the first few years of life (save for laundry detergent and a few miscellaneous things). So, I guess it isn't even having all the stuff we need. It's that it feels like there is so much left to do.

I made a list of the things left to do and assigned them to our remaining weekends before she's born (about 8-11 we hope). And the list isn't even that long. We've set up the room and washed all of her 0-6 month clothing and linens. We've organized, organized, and done more organizing.

But we do have to figure out how to install the car seat, attend birthing classes, finish off our cloth diaper collection and wash them several times, pack a "go-bag" for the hospital, sterilize breast-milk containers for when I start pumping in less-than-a-month, desensitize the dog to all of her toys and equipment, buy breastfeeding bras...blah blah blah.

It isn't that much and yet it feels overwhelming. I think the bigger question that makes me more and more anxious and feeds into this sense of dread is whether or not we are moving (which will make the to-do list much greater...packing boxes...ugh)...which I have yet to find out. I still haven't heard from fancy-but-underpaid job in Chicago. I know too much about the whole process for sure...which doesn't help me deal with it. For example...I know that there is one applicant left and she's interviewing next Monday. So I know I won't know about the job until then...but dammit...I want to know so I can start packing and getting rid of stuff that we won't have room for if we have to move back into our 1-bedroom condo.

This next few weeks may require extra meditation...cause the anxiety. Oy. And now that I've written this, which was somewhat cathartic...I am starting to worry a little more about being a good parent and all that can happen to her in life. Sometimes I wish for the days where we were ignorant about harmful things....but then again...ignorance is not so bliss either.