Baby Huckleberry

Og moving

2010-09-16T16:29:00.002-04:00

Until now, we've kept this blog from people we know because it was a good way for us to vent about our frustrations throught ttc and pregnancy. But now the function of our blog has changed and rather than edit all of our old posts so as not to offend family, we've decided just to move. If you'd like to continue reading, please join us at belmontzoo.wordpress.com.

And thanks for providing a sounding board during a very frustrating period of my life.

Last weekend in Massachusetts.

2010-08-28T03:18:00.002-04:00

Well we've made it to Saturday-- which means only two days left with the in- laws Because they will be in a different car on the way home. And I've got lots of last minute packing and cleaning to do, not to mention organizing and loading the truck on Sunday! So that's good. I was hoping to move right into our condo once we got to Chicago, but our tenants won't be out until Wednesday morning, so it looks like we will be staying the night at kels parents. The good news is her brother and grandma will also be there and will provide a good buffer. Thatand sveral packages from friends were mailed there so I have something to occupy our time.

I've been handling my frustration and annoyance pretty well. Although kel thinks I've been rude to her parents onmore than one occassion. The word she used was "cold." it's hard not to be when I'm this frustrated and annoyed. Yesterday, I started my morning being made fun of by kels dad for a solid 20 minutes. The subject of the jest was my 7 tattoos and my piercings (which are only in my ears these days). It made me feel like a little kid-which is one of the easiest ways to piss me off. And I guess that sums up my relationship with ger parents. Thet treat both of us like children and don't respect our autonomy and boundaries. They never ask about holiday attendance, but rather they assume we will be there. They butt their way into our business- like our budget and how we raise our daughter (who is only 11days old!). And kels mom even uses this patronizing baby-talk voice when talking to us most of the time. I find it super grating and irritating. Once we get home I'm taking a long break from them. Like several several weeks. They can visit while I'm at work. But I don't want to see them. I'm hoping our relationship won't be permanently scarred fromthe past month. But something tells me things will never be like they were before because I like them a little less now. That's why it's been so hard to be nice to them when they are annoying me and Thats sad to me.

2010-08-25T08:49:00.003-04:00

I'm Kind of glad grampa flys in today. It will give grandma someone else to talk to. I go back and forth with how much she annoys me. I feel for her in some ways because I'm pretty sure she knows her presence is not wanted here anymore and she just wants to be helpful. However, I also find myself annoyed by the smallest things. The behavior that's bugging me most right now his her tendency to insert herself into our family decsions. It isn't even about the baby half the time, but I don't really need or want her input. These are family decisions meant for immediate family only, of which she is no longer because we have a new family unit. Kel had asked her to stay out of the baby decisions and stuff, but her mom still feels the need to know every bowel movement and how long Emmy slept. WHY? And I don't even remember what she butted into yesterday (because I'm sleep deprived) but I actually said, "that's a family decision that Kelly and I need to make." her annoyance was never foreseen. I thought kelly's dad would get on my nerves but I have a feeling he won't be nearly as bad as kels mom. It's as if her mom views herself as a third mom and needs to know every little thing. She then reports every little detail to the entire extended family. Can we say enmeshed? And, what if I wanted to make an announcement about her sleep schedule! Joking. But seriously. By her being so over the top it doesn't leave much room for the rest of us to be excited. And she tells everyone everything which leaves us nothing to talk about. I wish she would remove herself from our business a little.

At the hospital, literally 2 minutes after birth kelly's mom was on the phone bawling to everyone. First off, what if I wanted to do that? Secondly, the doctor was trying to talk to us and we couldn't even hear her because of the drama queen in the background. I hope she knows that she doesn't have an open invitation to come over whenever she wants when we get to Chicago. Thank Buddha they live an hour away (2 with traffic!!!).

In an unrelated note, Emmy slept five hours straight last night and I think she's resolved her day and night confusion. This makes both moms really happy!

2010-08-24T08:11:00.003-04:00

The mother-in-law is annoying ne a little less the past day or so. I think it's because kel mentioned that I felt like my role was usurped both in the hospital and at home. She's backed off a bit on the baby advice and questioning. I, in turn, have been nicer to her. Thanks for the support on this issue and for letting me vent. I've felt like I have no outlet these past few days.

We are also settling in nicely with routines here. We realized yesterday that it becomes a little difficult to remember when emmy last ate/pooped/etc when you are sleep deprived. So we are going to start a simple log today, only to be used until we know her patterns and routines better. We don't believe in rigid and artificially-imposed schedules with newborns. It messes with their psychological attachment to us. So we will keep a log for a few days.

We had our first pediatrician appt yesterday and Emmy is doing really well. She peed on me at the doctors office after they weighed her and before I could get her diaper back on. It was right on my lap and I looked like I wet myself for a half hour. I'm glad it was only pee this time! We dropped down to 5lbs and 14 oz. She's SO little. In fact, her size newborn clothes fall off her. So we broke down and bought two pairs of premie pants fir when we go out in public. They are still a bit big in the waist because she's so long and skinny. We also-and I hate to say it- broke down and bought one box of premie disposae diapers. We can't wait to use our cloth diapers but they are falling off her right now and not doing their job. I find some comfort in the fact that we purchased diapers made from recycled materials.

We are looking into breastmilk donation. Our pediatrician told us that frozen breastmilk tastes funny and it's hard to keep it from getting freezer burned. She recommended we just keep a few days reserves in the fridge and told us we can refrigerate breastmilk for 7 days. Since there are two of us producing, it doesn't take long to fill up a few extra containers. So we are going to not buy the deep freezer at this point and donate our extra supply instead.

The best news of all: last night the monkey slept all night, and only woke for feedings. She latched onto Kelly well (which as been a struggle for her only with Kelly) and there were no crying jags. Hallelujah!

The good and the bad

2010-08-22T07:00:00.002-04:00

While we were in the hospital we got a call from our lawyer with some bad news. The guy who was supposed to buy our condo pulled out a week before the sceduled closing. So, now it looks like we will be moving back to our old condo in Chicago instead of with the wife's parents in the suburbs, and we will need to refinance our place with a 30-year fixed because our balloon payment on a 7 year arm is due in April.

At first I was really upset because we were planning on staying rent-free through the winter and then buying a house next spring. Now it's not clear when we will making that purchase. And on the other hand I was relieved. I think moving in with kel's parents would have done bad things to our marriage. Her mom has been at our place since august 2nd, waiting for the baby and I kind of want to shoot myself. I hate being told what to do, even if the person thinks it's helpful (" go take a nap.") and I don't want any more advice about our unique breastfeeding situation (we are both doing it), I met with a lactation consultant already. Mostly I just feel like she is hovering ALL THE TIME. She was at the birth too and at times I felt invisible in the room. I felt like she usurped my role a bit in the whole process and that she was overly dramatic and shifting attention from where it should be: on our family and our daughter's birth. I'm still pretty upset about what happened there. One thing is for sure: at the next birth, it's just me and my wife.

There's no way I could have lived with her for six additional weeks before they leave for Florida. I need my family to have some space to be a family! So I have 9 more days I have to put up with it. And on Wednesday it will be worse because my father-in-law will be flying in and staying for 5 days before the big move back. I may finish off what remains if the liquor from our wedding 2 1/2 years ago!

2010-08-21T03:12:00.002-04:00

I'm becoming nocturnal...although my body is fighting it! My dear daughter has her nights and days all mixed up. Hopefully the problem will correct itself within the next few weeks. She can easily sleep in 4 hour chunks during the day, but at night it's about 30-40 minutes at a time. And she refuses to sleep on her back in her crib. She prefers on her side on mamas chest. She also eats a ton! She's on the boob for an hour at a time most sessions. But she can go four hours in between feedings occassionally throughout the day.

The wife and I are learning a lot about emmy's piccadillos and also...we are learning just how little sleep is needed to function. They weren't kidding when they said we would be sleep-deprived. I knew it would be bad. But I don't think I was prepared for this magnitude of fatigue. I can't wait till she sleeps during the night!

Welcome to the outside world...

2010-08-17T21:48:00.003-04:00

Emilia Kate ("Emmy"), who was born this afternoon weighing 6 lbs 5 oz, 19 1/2 inches long, with a full head of golden hair! Labor lasted 24 hours. Wife got an epidural at hour 15, but it wasn't placed properly and offered no relief. The wife had her epidural replaced at hour 23. At that point she was only dilated 4cm. So they started pitocin. 1 pain-free hour later she was fully dilated and you crowning. We were in shock. I thought we were in for a long evening. I was about ready to take a nap when our OB announced it was showtime (and as a side note, how awesome that OUR actual OB happened to be on the floor this week!!). Literally 3 pushes and she was out. We all balled for what seemed like ten seconds but was actually ten minutes. And an hour later, she breastfed for 45 minutes from me, draining me entirely! Kel doesn't quite have milk yet. And due to an extensive surgery she had 17 years ago, we aren't sure she will be ae to). But we are trying. And that is the story of our daughter's birth.

Goodnight. I'm exhausted.

In labor

2010-08-17T07:29:00.002-04:00

Started having contractions again yesterday at 2am. They were painful this time and close together. Yesterday afternoon we became a little concerned because our normally squirmy baby was moving a lot less than normal. Called our doc, who said to head to the hospital to get checked. Spent four hours in triage and learned the following: still only 1 cm dilated but 75% effaced, having strong and consistent contractions, amnioitc fluid was a little low. So they recommended an induction to decrease the chances of fetal distress during delivery and c-section. And that's how we found ourselves in labor and delivery last night. We are now 3cm dilated and 90% effaced and the wife is getting an epidural as we speak. She really wanted to do it naturally and I think she's dissappointed that she wasn't able to reasonably do so. But I'm so proud of her. She's doing great. We will hopefully be meeting the bean today!

tricky uterus...I hate you.

2010-08-05T15:15:00.002-04:00

These last few days have really sucked. The wife started having "non-painful" contractions on Monday, and by Tuesday evening they were 5-7 minutes apart, so we called the doctor, described them, told her they were close but not really painful. She said to go ahead and go to the hospital. We got there, they monitored everything and checked the wife's cervix. She was only 1 cm dilated and just starting to efface. They told us the contractions weren't strong enough for any significant cervical change, sent us home, and told us to come back when they are "very painful." She had consistent contractions yesterday morning, which began to fade in the afternoon. Has had a total of maybe 5 "slightly painful" contractions in the last 24 hours and now is not having any.

So we went from being in early labor to not in labor at all. Thanks for making up your mind uterus. When this is all over, you are fired!

It feels like a cruel joke...just when we got our hopes up! Oh well, in two weeks we will get to meet her because that is when our induction is scheduled. Hope she comes before it though.

Where things stand

2010-08-02T15:55:00.003-04:00

We are at 37 1/2 weeks. The wife is already dilated at least 1cm (on Friday) and she has had an upset stomach the last 24 hours. She also has been having hot flashes and stomach cramps. She started having contractions today. 30 minutes apart right now, so still a ways off, but we are progressing! The mother-in-law (obgyn nurse) is leaving Chicago tomorrow because she thinks it will be soon. So does our doc. Holy hell!

9:45 pm update: contractions averaging 20 minutes apart and a bit stronger. We are progressing!

37 weeks today

2010-07-30T14:10:00.000-04:00

Starting to efface and 1cm dilated!

Come on out baby!

Down down down

2010-07-23T22:06:00.002-04:00

Drops the baby! The wife belly is hanging lower these last few days and there's a lot more pelvic pressure. Looks like the baby has dropped... Which means about 2-4 wks to go...right on schedule! I love punctuality!

In other news, two weeks until my mother-in-law arrives for her 3-week stay, 5 weeks until we move back to Chicagoland and move in with said mother-in-law, and 11 weeks until the in-laws make there way to Florida for the winter, leaving us with their house rent-free for another 6 months. We are lucky to have such a generous family.

And on an entirely different note, our dog Bailey is recovering from a mass removal surgery in his nether- regions. Poor guy. It hurts for him to walk, pee, stand for too long, and he has to wear the cone of shame until he stops bugging it (which probably means until it's fully healed). He did however enjoy his chicken dinner. It may be hard to get him to eat dog food again!

2 oz a day...

2010-07-20T13:37:00.002-04:00

that is how much i'm collecting right now...which is quite a jump from two weeks ago when i was collecting a mere drop or two on each side! so things are going great...sore cracked nipples and all. Lanolin is my new best friend. I never fully realized how much work breastfeeding is. I feel like all I do is pump! When this milk monster arrives I will probably feel like I'm always shirtless. Pumping at work, is going okay...it's not particularly easy to find the time to do it every 2-3 hours...and I am sometimes challenged in terms of space to do it in (especially at a state hospital where nobody has their own office and the bathrooms are so gross I don't want to even pee in them)... but it isn't impossible.

In terms of baby, we had our 36 week ultrasound this morning (3 days early)...she is measuring 5 lbs 6 oz, in the 23rd percentile...so she is on the smaller side of normal, which might make labor much easier for the wife...so I consider that a win...especially because our doctor says there isn't anything to be concerned about at this weight. We saw her sucking during the ultrasound...it was super cute...she's practicing for her big day! We also saw the lungs going, so they are practicing as well...and she had a nice big belly, full of food...so that is great!

We are due exactly one month from today, and since we are moving 10 days later, our doctor has advised us to induce on her due-date if she doesn't come early. They want her at least a week old before the move...so it looks like we are having a baby in THE NEXT MONTH!!! Holy Cannoli. That's crazy! I would prefer that she stay in for another 2 1/2 weeks (that's how much I have left at work)...and then we are set!

I can't wait to see what she looks like and to see what color her hair is (yes...they saw hair on the ultrasound...how crazy is that?!!!)...

Third day

2010-07-05T20:49:00.003-04:00

I have milk. Not much (yet). Every day there is more and more. The last pumping session of my first day it was barely a drop of clear on each side. Today, I sm collecting maybe a teaspoon from each and the color has changed to white. It's just matter of time before I begin to let down and substantially produce. Not confident enough yet to declare induced lactation success, but at this point I'm optimistic. The 2am wakeups for pumping may pay off afterall. Those of you who have enduced lactation, how long did it take until you finally let down and were able to get a substantial amount (maybe 3 oz or more)?

Place to live...FOUND

2010-06-30T12:31:00.001-04:00

So this morning I got a call from my wife...and for context, we've really been stressing out about the living arrangments when we move back to Chicago because we can't see the place before renting (since we won't be able to get out there due to a very pregnant wife)...and because we are going to be living very frugally next year on my post-doc salary.

It turns out, her parents, who own a two bedroom in the suburbs have decided to go down to their place in Florida starting in October this year and they are staying there until April (with a few weekend visits to see their grandbaby of course)! And they have offered us the use of their house until they get back RENT-FREE AND UTILITIES-FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a major relief. Now the wife does not have to find a job so soon and leave the care of our new infant in the hands of strangers (which there is nothing wrong with...no judgment...it's just, what mother wouldn't prefer to be with her baby for longer than most maternity leaves allow?) and can be at home with the baby during the week until she is about 7 months old. And, the wife can still work for the catering company we used to work for on the weekends to earn a little extra cash for the savings account!

This really is a huge blessing. I'm not really sure how we are going to pay back the in-laws. Perhaps in 10 years we can cover the cost of a 50th anniversary party? That might do it. :)

I'm so happy right now....huge stressor was just removed.

Whirlwind

2010-06-29T20:18:00.003-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, we are moving back to CHICAGO!!!! I got the job!!!!
So with a very young infant, we will be making the trek back to the windy city the beginning of September. I'm totally excited and totally nervous. The wife has to look for a new job, we spent almost all of our savings trying to get pregnant, and I will be making a post-doc salary. But we will be home, supported by our family and friends. And you can't really put a price on that. So now in addition to preparing for baby, I have to pack all uneeded stuff, find a place to live, and all those details.

We live a crazy little life!

Crazy week!

2010-06-23T16:23:00.002-04:00

So many things are happening this week, I feel overwhelmed. For starters, I was notified yesterday that I'll be receiving a research award at an international conference I am presenting at in 3 weeks. That was pretty cool to hear...and even better...they are paying for my conference fees and hotel! Nice!

Later yesterday evening, we got a call from our realtor and somebody made an offer on our Condo back home. So now we are counter-offering, and hope to settle only a few grand under our asking price (which was aggressively priced to begin with)...so that is really good news if it all works out!

And I wish I could add my news about the job I am waiting to hear from...but alas...I cannot. I know they met yesterday to discuss the applicants. I know it is between me and one other applicant. I have no idea when I will find out. I've been expecting a call forever now...and it seems like the deadline just kept being pushed back for various reasons. But my best friend (who currently works there) assures me that I should know soon. Which is good...I feel like I've been watching the phone and that is not so good.

No news about the baby really. The wife does have to go in for a third blood transfusion this saturday. She's just not able to keep up with the blood demands from vampire baby. But other than that everything is fine...

It's been a pretty nutsy week so far. I hope it gets even nutsier...like today...comeon major hospital in Chicago...call me already!

30 work days left.

2010-06-15T16:40:00.002-04:00

After today, the workday count is down to 30. Of course, I don't work on Fridays anymore (I take my "research hours.")...so it means more than 6 weeks...about 8 to be exact. But man, it feels good to say I only have 30 more days until I can start putting the PhD after my name and until I can earn a little more money (sort of...I have one more year of slave-labor until I'm "licensed."--Ohh the hoops I have to jump through! So one more year of poverty!). And it will mean I am officially done with graduate school. I just have to have my final post-defense draft approved by my dissertation chair, and the cord will be cut.

And in about 8 weeks another cord is going to be cut...great timing :)

Guilty little secret

2010-06-09T22:19:00.002-04:00

For mothers' day this year, as a sort of pre-motherhood treat, I ordered two necklaces inscribed with huckleberry's name and what we hope to be her birthstone (we are due mid-august so it felt fairly safe). We just got the necklaces last week, and both of us have been wearing them to work ever since! It feels so dangerous! Probably a dozen colleagues have asked about her name, not knowing that all the while it was written right in front of their noses! Such a fun game. It's the little things that amuse me.

Too soon for nesting?

2010-06-08T15:11:00.002-04:00

While I really feel that I have been pretty steadily nesting since at least the 20th week of pregnancy, it has really taken to a new level lately. Ever since entering the third trimester and having the constant reminder that we are having a baby (as evidenced by the wife's rapidly growing belly), I feel this sense of anxiety all of a sudden and I feel compelled to do baby-related stuff to prepare for upcoming motherhood. It isn't so much anxiety about being good parents (although I do feel that periodically when I am impatient with our dog or drivers on the road...and also at other times). It isn't necessarily worry about what might happen at delivery/birth or later in our daughter's life (like hydrocephalous, or distress during delivery, or autism, or bipolar when she's in her 20's, or being hit by a car when she learns to drive...etc). It isn't so much emotional and personal preparedness concerns. I feel emotionally pretty prepared and ready to meet our daughter.

It's physical for sure. The funny thing, is that we have so much stuff for her and have almost everything we might need for the first few years of life (save for laundry detergent and a few miscellaneous things). So, I guess it isn't even having all the stuff we need. It's that it feels like there is so much left to do.

I made a list of the things left to do and assigned them to our remaining weekends before she's born (about 8-11 we hope). And the list isn't even that long. We've set up the room and washed all of her 0-6 month clothing and linens. We've organized, organized, and done more organizing.

But we do have to figure out how to install the car seat, attend birthing classes, finish off our cloth diaper collection and wash them several times, pack a "go-bag" for the hospital, sterilize breast-milk containers for when I start pumping in less-than-a-month, desensitize the dog to all of her toys and equipment, buy breastfeeding bras...blah blah blah.

It isn't that much and yet it feels overwhelming. I think the bigger question that makes me more and more anxious and feeds into this sense of dread is whether or not we are moving (which will make the to-do list much greater...packing boxes...ugh)...which I have yet to find out. I still haven't heard from fancy-but-underpaid job in Chicago. I know too much about the whole process for sure...which doesn't help me deal with it. For example...I know that there is one applicant left and she's interviewing next Monday. So I know I won't know about the job until then...but dammit...I want to know so I can start packing and getting rid of stuff that we won't have room for if we have to move back into our 1-bedroom condo.

This next few weeks may require extra meditation...cause the anxiety. Oy. And now that I've written this, which was somewhat cathartic...I am starting to worry a little more about being a good parent and all that can happen to her in life. Sometimes I wish for the days where we were ignorant about harmful things....but then again...ignorance is not so bliss either.

The Baby-moon

2010-06-01T13:48:00.002-04:00

The wife and I decided several months ago that we would take one last vacation, with just the two of us (in outside-of-the-womb life that is) before baby-girl is born. So...I just happened to get a reservation at an awesome little cabin that is usually sold out for years ahead of time on Cape Cod, and we enjoyed 3 lovely nights (that also coincided with Memorial Day Wknd and the Wife's 36th birthday) on the beach. Literally, our cabin was beachfront...and waves may have hit the house a few times during high tide. It was so so so great. And realistically, in about 9 weeks or so, we won't be enjoying wknds away without children very often. So it was needed.

the funny thing is, the whole time we were there, while I was thinking about how nice it was to be just the two of us, I was also fantasizing about bringing baby-girl to the beach and watching her toddle around and I was thinking about how our accomodations would be perfect for a couple and a baby....And I bought a few souvenirs for someone who has yet to be born (although, how can you pass up a 1973 edition of "Peanuts" dictionary? Really.)...

Let's hope that I can actually bring baby-girl to the beach and that there won't be a decade-long ban on swimming in ocean water because of the BP--f-up. And on that note, I think all you readers should boycott BP and spread the word. There has to be some way of holding them accountable for their lack of action. Maybe a grass-roots movement is just the thing...

Anyhoo.

It was a beautiful wknd...but I'm so ready for this parenting thing. And she's coming in 9-12 weeks!

Vampire Baby Strikes Again

2010-05-25T08:34:00.002-04:00

The wife had her check-up hematology appointment today to monitor her hemoglobin and hematocrit (things that make up blood...for the most part) levels. And, suprise suprise...her levels have dropped down to "critically low" once again. So that means the last blood transfusion lasted all of 1 1/2 to 2 weeks. Awesome. She is having a second transfusion tomorrow. This time they are giving her two pints instead of 1, so hopefully this time it lasts at least a month, preferably longer. She most definitely will need to have a transfusion after delivering the little one...but this is getting pretty inconvenient. She's been trying to save up what few sick days she has left for the days immediately preceding huckleberry's birth (like after contractions start...which could quite feasibly go on for a week or more and she only has 3 sick days left)...but these damned transfusions mean she has to take 5-6 hours off of work and sit in a chair for that amount of time...bored out of her gourd while blood is pumped into her. Poor thing. She's been feeling very dizzy and nauseous and tired too.

We were just saying how easy this pregnancy has felt both for her and me...but we may have spoke too soon.

Good thing we love this little vampire more than we thought we could ever love anything...cause she's sure causing some trouble!

28th week and 3rd trimester

2010-05-22T19:20:00.002-04:00

we hit 27 weeks yesterday, which means that today we started the third trimester! I feel like we've been nesting since we found out we were pregnant, but it really kicked into high speed this week! After a ginormous baby shower and receiving tubs of hand-me-downs, we were faced with a lot of decisions about what to keep and what to take back. So the week was spent sorting clothes and inventorying supplies... Which made the nesting seem all the more real. She's going to be with us in about 10-13 weeks!

Whirlwind Trip

2010-05-19T12:47:00.002-04:00

Last Tuesday at 11:55 pm, the wife and I loaded up the car and drove 15 hours straight through to Chicago. We got there around 2 or 3 pm Chicago time...I went to bed early Wednesday...and Thursday afternoon I defended my dissertation. It was a pretty intense experience...they grilled me for about 2 hours...and I am so glad that I NEVER have to do that again! So that evening we drove back into the city (my grad school is about 75 miles outside of Chicago)...and saw some old friends who are due at the same time as us with their second child...who is a boy. There first child was a girl...so we inherited a 20 gallon tub filled with barely used and really nice (some of it was designer and independent labels that we could probably never afford...and probably never would buy even if we could afford it) stuff. So needless to say, our baby is pretty set. And that was before the baby shower! On Sunday we had a baby shower with about 30 attendees...and we got a ton more clothing...some of which will have to go back because as much as I'd like to, I just can't justify 35 onesies of the same size. Our friends and family were VERY generous...and we are grateful for them.

Between the dissertation defense and the baby shower, I also had a major interview at a very good hospital for an 80% clinical/20% research post-doctoral fellowship. I just found out that I am their lead candidate so far...with only one more to interview, so fingers crossed. We also saw a bunch of friends to celebrate the defense and becoming a doctor, and we went and saw some of the wife's old college friends.

We left at 3am on Monday. And it took us 16 1/2 hours to get home due to construction traffic. Ugh. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks.

Now it's time to write thank you's and make returns. My goal is to be done with both of those things (until the next shower) by the weekend. I also need to make some dissertation revisions before submitting to the graduate school. Wish me luck!

Not so bad...

2010-05-11T14:57:00.002-04:00

So the wife had the blood transfusion on Friday. It was not so bad...just boring. It took 3 hours. Good thing I had a lot of preparation for my upcoming dissertation defense to do as we sat there waiting for blood to pump its way into her. She has a bit more energy and needs fewer naps now. She also is suddenly much hungrier, which is good because she only gained 2 lbs in the last month and is supposed to be gaining a pound a week. At the moment we are at the very minimum of what the doctor wants her to have gained. Eleven pounds so far, with only 14 weeks to go. If she gains a pound a week, we will just barely make that 25-35 lbs target. Good thing we are about to head home for a bit to defend my dissertation, go to a job interview (me), and have our first ginormous baby shower at her mother's house. I'm sure we'll be eating a lot of good food during our stay...that oughtta fatten up baby girl a bit.

Blood

2010-05-04T16:46:00.002-04:00

Apparently the wife is not creating enough of it. Her hemoglobin and hematocrit are both "critically low," which we knew would be a possibility because she has a blood disorder, called thalessemia minor. So, by the end of the week, she is supposed to get a blood transfusion. That's fun. The good news is that it is 2010 and not 1980 and blood is a highly regulated substance these days. Also, nobody since the 1980's, before we fully knew about Hepatitis C and HIV, has contracted these two diseases from blood transfusions at the hospital where she will be receiving hers. So that's good news. But I think she is a little freaked out about it all. And I don't have much feeling about it either way. Whatever is in the best interest of the baby...(plus a blood transfusion is really no big deal unless it's an emergency transfusion and you have a rare blood type or something)...

So there you have it. Need more blood!

Scene from aliens.

2010-04-26T15:40:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling baby girl kick for about a month now, but nothing like last night! She kicked so hard it moved my hand! It is like a scene from the movie, alien. You can SEE something moving around in there. And the wife, albeit still tiny everywhere else is so big in front! She looks like ET. It's going by fast! 16 weeks till our due date. Well past halfway. In fact, we are 3/5 the way through! Holy hell! I can't wait till august!

catastrophe over (almost)

2010-04-20T14:14:00.002-04:00

This weekend was hellacious! Torture with a capital T. My advisor has been a huge pain in my ass for months now. This weekend he decided that he wanted me to completely restructure the discussion section of my paper. I was supposed to have mailed a copy of the pre-defense draft to the graduate school on Monday in order to defend in 3 1/2 weeks. So monday rolls around, after me spending the entire weekend chipping away at stylistic changes (which means bullshit, basically) and I am not entirely sure if the defense is happening or not. He alluded to the idea of changing the defense date if I don't satisfy his need for an organizational change of the draft. It was more than fine before. Finally at 4pm on Monday he called and said we were okay to go to defense....so I had to haul ass to print up 6 copies of this 200-page monstrosity of a document and I ended up shipping it overnight this morning. $100 later...I'm still silently fuming. I hate him. But at least I'm defending. Then he has no more power over me. Oh buddha will that feel good!

On a different note, we ended up at the hematologist's office on Monday afternoon because the wife almost fainted in the shower that morning. She has thalassemia minor...a blood disorder involving inefficient binding of iron in red-blood cells. So she looks anemic all of the time. Well, now that baby is taking all her iron and red blood cells, for that matter, the wife is feeling constantly dizzy and nauseous. We go back in 2 weeks for follow-up blood-work. If her levels haven't improved she will be getting a blood transfusion (one now and probably one during labor). Good times hey?

ugh...

2010-04-16T17:01:00.002-04:00

It's been a bit of a dissertation nightmare around our house lately. My defense is scheduled for 3 weeks and 6 days from now. I have to have drafts to all committee members and the graduate school in 6 days. I live 1000 miles away from my graduate school (because I'm on internship/residency) so I have to essentially mail them by Monday. My advisor is an asshole and I feel like he is trying to dangle his power over me for as long as he can by picking at each little thing. And he is being somewhat snippy and mean about things too. One of his most recent comments about ONE SENTENCE in the entire discussion of the paper, was that it sounded like a high-schooler wrote it. Gee, thanks Asshole. And he recently commented that he feels like I am just throwing in the towell and saying good enough.

This is actually true. I am saying good enough...because it's GOOD ENOUGH!!!!

His main criticisms are that the discussion is somewhat repetitive and redundant in some areas and he would like me to speculate more. I have news for him: 200 page documents that discuss all aspects of a scientific study ARE redundant and repetitive sometimes. It's not a literary piece. It's a scientific paper. There is a certain way to write a scientific paper and that methodical nature of the paper can be boring at times. SORRY!!!!

Although, really I'm not. I really think it's bullshit. It doesn't have to be perfect before going to the defense. So let us just see what other committee members think. Perhaps they think its fine (actually I know two of them do, because they've already said so).

Also, if I may vent, it is not a publication. It is a nightmare of a document that I have been working on for over 2 years now. There are a lot of mundane results to be discuss. If people can read English, they should be able to ascertain for themselves that some of the results are a "Really big deal." To assert this over and over is an opinion, first of all, and unecessary.

Anyhoo. I've now spent about 25 hours this week revising bullshit to make him happy...this is on top of the 45 hours I worked at my real job.

only 3 weeks 6 days to go...only 3 weeks 6 days to go....

this is my new mantra.

I FELT IT! I FELT IT!! I FELT BABY GIRL!!!!

2010-04-08T21:44:00.002-04:00

The wife has been feeling the baby for about a month and this week she has felt the baby kick from the outside too. Until tonight, I spent countless hours with my hands on my wife's belly trying to catch baby girl doing a cartwheel...and she has refused to grace me with her presence. But tonight, I felt the baby kick so hard that my hand moved!!!! It was so great. I was feeling a little left out these past few weeks!

She's really in there!!!!!

Holy cannoli!!!!

2010-04-03T06:29:00.000-04:00

It's a GIRL!!!!

Ultrasound tech said she's never seen a clearer shot!!!!!

Eighteen hours to go!

2010-04-01T20:01:00.001-04:00

I'm going nuts here!!!! I've been thinking it's a girl for the past eight weeks, but now I'm not so sure. We will find out really soon!!!!

Hamburger or Hot dog?

2010-03-25T12:15:00.003-04:00

This is what I've been thinking about all day. It's hard to concentrate on ANYTHING other than the biological sex of our baby...hamburger or hot dog? My mother-in-law uses the food images as a way of describing the privates of baby-to-be.

We've been thinking lately that it's definitely a hamburger (girl)...only because it was hinted at by our ultrasound tech 6 weeks ago...and we've been thinking it ever since...even calling her (maybe) by name...so if it's a hot dog (boy)...we will be shocked...but I'm sure we'll get over it!

I have 3 different fabrics sitting on my dining-room table taunting me because I don't know if I can make cute dresses or cute button-down shirts.

Only 8 more days...and I will be a sewing fool!

HAMBURGER OR HOT DOG??????!!!!!!

We've made a TERRIBLE mistake...

2010-03-22T09:30:00.002-04:00

Last night, because we were bored, and we had free tickets, and the show was 5 minutes from our house...we went to the Carrie Under.wood concert. I knew two songs...and they were covers.

It was a good thing we went, because the wife's boss (the one who gave her tickets) was there...but it was semi-torturous...especially the opening band--which was very countryish. I should make it clear that I am a Seattle-Grunge-raised neo-hippy. So, I like grunge, good alternative, and classic rock...mostly, with a few pop-artists thrown in (read Madonna and Adam Lambert). I also like indie-folk and icelandic melodies. I don't care for Country.

The little bean, however, apparently does. It was moving up a storm in the wife's uterus during the entire show yesterday. I'm trying to convince myself that it doesn't care so much for the music or lyrics...but the vibration. If this kid comes out loving country, I don't know what I'm going to do.

So.......

Operation reverse-the-country damage starts tonight...with a steady playlist of Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, The Beatles, The Who, Bon Iver, Iron and Wine, Wilco...etc. No kid of mine is going to be a country fan! :)

The suspense is killing me!!!!!

2010-03-15T15:22:00.002-04:00

We find out if we are having a boy or girl in exactly 2 weeks, 4 days. I can't take it any longer!!! I just got some new neutral fabric and want to know if I can make it into a dress or shorts.

In other news, the wife is really looking pregnant these days...no longer just like she gained a few pounds. Baby is front and center, and she/he is causing her mommy to have some serious back pain. I like that my wife is hungry again. She wasn't very hungry the first 14 weeks....so this is nice. We bought some maternity-wear yesterday. The bella-band should still work okay for the next 3-4 weeks, and we have some clothes that will stretch with her (and are getting to the end of their regular functionality anyway)...but we are headed into spring and it might be nice to have a pair of jeans and some shirts....so we bought a few simple items. She looks so cute in them!

We also now have enough cash saved up for at least 2 months maternity leave for the wife. This has been a huge issue for us the past few months, we spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying just to get pregnant---our savings was not as we had hoped after the last round...but it's building back up and I no longer feel stressed about it. Thanks tax return!

Also, with some of the tax return, we bought some new furniture for the place that will help make it more family friendly. I found an awesome unfinished furniture store and got a floor to sealing bookshelf (to be stained a dark chocolate)...which is so much better than the little 3 shelve book cases from college that I have stacked on top of each other...that is an accident waiting to happen! And I got a DVD cabinet so that our DVD's aren't all stacked under the coffee and end tables in baskets...no more temptation there for a little one when it starts crawling...and a new entertainment unit for the TV. It's not an armoire, just a corner table, with a cabinet...and it is taller than our last one, which is good because the baby won't be able to reach the TV once it starts pulling itself up. And I got lots of furniture straps! So great! As we speak my furniture has already been stained and is in the basement awaiting a protective varnish (to be applied tonight). I am so excited to leave work and finish my project. I should post pics of the old book shelves...and the t.v. table with one door missing (because our dog went nuts over a dog on TV and ran into it at full speed when it was open, causing it to break off the unit. Good job Bailey). They were in need of replacement!

Still don't totally know what I'm doing next year...but am not stressing. I have a meeting with somebody this week to discuss possible research opportunities. I am going to also send out some emails to psych department chairs about adjunct possibilities. And at least...I have my Dissertation defense date set! That is a huge relief!

So things are good.

but they'd be so much better if I knew what we were having!!!!!

Bad timing

2010-02-21T19:48:00.002-05:00

We went to some open houses today...which was really really dumb. We found a great house, in an area we would want to live,with really good potential and a lot of fixer-upper cosmetic projects with enough space we could stay there for a decade at least. And it was in our price range. The problem is, we still have to list and sell our condo in Chicago (which is being occupied by renters with a lease through July). We are planning to list it in April with a closing date not before august 1st (if it even sells before then) anyway because we have to sell it by April of 2011 (balloon payment due on a 7 year ARM). But we can't list it before having a chance to talk to our renters. That just isn't right. And although we could apply for a home equity loan in order to make a down payment on a house here (or could get a bridge loan), itsnot the smartest idea when I haven't solidified a job for next year and there's a baby on the way. So I guess we let the house go. And we keep renting in our very affordable apartment for now. Hopefully the condo will sell quickly after we list it. We're going to price it aggressively. So we'll see.

:(

Birthday and 14 weeks!

2010-02-19T17:36:00.001-05:00

This is now officially the last year I can think of myself as "young," which is perfect timing really-with the kid on the way and all. We started the day with an appointment at the hematologist, to check the wife's iron and discuss possible treatment options during pregnancy. I'm really hoping there is something that can be done cause the falling asleep before dinner thing is getting old. We are in our second trimester. This should be done with very soon, but if her iron is low, maybe not.

Then, I dropped the wife back off at work and went home to read my new book, "baby bargains." I love this book. I am the quintessential do-it-yourselfer. If I can save $20 bucks, I will spend four hours of labor on something. This is how my household survived during grad school when money was non-existent. Related to baby, I updated the highchair that's been in the wife's family for 60 years with safety straps and easily cleanable cushions, made 57 bibs from spare fabric scraps lying around my house, have made probably 100 items of clothing (including sun dresses, onesies, fleece jackets, sleepers, booties, crocheted hats, a baby blanket, shorts, shirts, etc.), crocheted a zoo of stuffed animals (that were stuffed with fabric scraps)...you get the point. So I'm pretty excited to also research good deals for not-so-easily-made baby stuff.

It's a good thing I got this book when we did. I had mostly been looking at online reviews when looking at baby furniture and products, taking comments with a grain of salt since they are self-report-which only really happy people and really pissed off people take the time to do (according to psychometrics research). I thought the crib we picked out (which was on the lower-end price-wise because we are on a budget) was fine and met our needs. The authors of my new book gave it an F!!!!!! So, we reevaluated how long we expect the crib to last and realized, we really would like to keep using it for all of our children (as many as four we think) over the next decade. That said, I'm not dropping a grand on a crib. I don't need it to be fancy, just safe and durable. So we changed to a new crib today. I think we are going with ba.bi ita.lia. The one we chose can also become a toddler bed and day bed. When the kid is ready for a bigger bed we will probably be having another (we hope), so that's All we really need it for anyway.

After the crib debacle we also changed our mind about having a seperate dresser and changing table. Now we are going to get an extra wide and shorter dresser that will offer more storage and double as the changing table. We may get the dresser that matches the crib. But, for $100 less, I can get an even nicer unfinished oak or maple dresser and stain it myself! So I'm entertaining this option as well.

We also are reconsidering the glider in favor of a more old-fashioned rocker (which I can also buy unfinished and stain to match the other furniture).

SO MANY DECISIONS!!!!

Which brings me to a place where I am going to ask for some advice (I told you I could do it when needed):
for those of you with cloth diaper experience I have many questions.
Do you hose off the diapers right away or put them in a pail to be washed every other day (or every night)?
If you put them in a pail, is there a recommended type?
What are these wet pails I keep hearing about?
If you use cloth wipes as well, do you dampen them before using them?
Is the hose attachment actually helpful as a way to get rid of solids before putting them in the wash machine?
Is there any sort of special wipe warmer for cloth wipes?

Really, I need the most help with the logistics involved. I've got a good idea about cloth diapering system options and brands, but I have no clue about the peripherals.

No advice please

2010-02-16T22:06:00.002-05:00

It's amazing how the announcement "we are pregnant" turns into an invitation for advice from all sorts of people who've not do much as spoken a sentence to you in the last decade. We went public with the pregnancy this week and I already have gotten many pieces of advice that I would never follow in a million years.

For instance, "wine during pregnancy is okay."
no, actually, it's not. I know a little something about child development, thanks.

Or, "cloth diapers aren't practical, you'll see."
maybe they aren't practical for those that don't feel as strongly about using them. But I do.

I am not so stubborn or defensive to realize that I don't know everything and might benefit from others' experience. However, I'd like the opportunity to ask for help when I need it. I am pretty good at doing that actually. At the moment I feel like I'm batting away advice (good and bad) left and right.

And I hate the expression "you'll see."
maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I'll find out soon enough. I don't need people predicting it for me.

And on this note, if anyone has a personal favorite cloth diaper brand, I'd love to hear about it and what you like about the brand. We are going to do a blend of all-in-ones and prefolds with covers. We are also thinking of doing the one-size options wherever possible. Considering duo-covers as well however.

SECOND TRIMESTER!!!

2010-02-14T10:36:00.004-05:00

Today, is day two, of the middle of our pregnancy! Lot's of exciting things have been happening regarding the baby. KB is starting to pop out just a little bit, and her uterus is starting to make it's presence known. We went in for an ultrasound to do a nuchal screening. Baby was not cooperating...we saw the baby hiccuping (we think) and squirming around all over the place. You could see the baby's brain, and could make out the different bones in the arms and legs...two arms, two legs...so that's good!

KB thought she saw what looked like testicles on the ultrasound monitor...but it's too early for testicles to drop...so that is not what she saw. The ultrasound technician, however, stated that at this age, she usually sees a penis if one is there, and she doesn't see it. She was strongly suggesting that the baby is a girl...but wouldn't come out and say it. She said we'd know for sure at our 20 week ultrasound,so we will wait patiently (or not) to see what we are having on April 2nd!

That is not that far off at all!!!

While we were having the ultrasound, we also saw baby dancing around, doing somersaults and having a grand old time her/his legs were pretty long already as well...so that was fun.

Back at the house, it already looks like we are parents! My parents are still going crazy. They sent us a pack-n-play two days ago, and they also sent another package with baby book and scrapbooking material, a stuffed animal, and a variety of baby clothes/supplies. My mom also thinks she might be able to get a discount on a me.della double hands-free breast pump from work...so that will probably arrive shortly as well!!!

It's pretty fun around here.

And it's good to be in the second trimester, finally. I feel like we can take a deep breath and relax a little now.

Here are some pics of our product-tester/crash-test dummy and the new items:

He's not so sure about it all...

Well that was fast.

2010-02-06T23:05:00.002-05:00

We went to a big baby supply store today to test out a few strollers we had researched. When my dad has his mind set on doing something, he has to do it immediately, and if he's buying, I'm in. So I emailed him with our selection tonight and he called three hours later with the tracking number. But that's not all. He also did some product safety research. He's cute.

So while we were there we also did our entire registry (split between two stores). How could we resist? I was fine until I got to feeding and then felt completely overwhelmed and irritated (we had already been there a while). It's been a long time since my nannying days and they've come out with a LOT of new products. I can't believe how much stuff we ended up registering for. Feels like when we got married all over again (except for the fact that all the stuff we registered for huckleberry will be used more than a lot of stuff we got for the wedding). 25 years until I can start spending my money on me again. Wow.

12 weeks and the beginning of the family war

2010-02-05T18:52:00.002-05:00

Today we are at 12 weeks! That means only one more week left of the first trimester and only 1% chance of miscarriage from here on out. But that's not all that happened today. Today we began the war of the grandparents.

This is the first grandbaby on both sides of the family. That should be enough to explain the rest! The wife's parents told us yesterday that they wanted to take care of all of the furniture/etc. in the nursury up to a very generous limit (that will not only cover the furniture, but also the wall art, the rug, the hamper, the spare sheets, a mobile, maybe a nightlight...you name it. They are pretty excited to be grandparents.

Today, I had no patients, and "worked from home," where I spent most of my time looking up what we would need (a pretty exhaustive list) for the first year of our baby's life and pricing items that I liked. I also had a pretty lengthy conversation with my dad (an ex-colonel in the airforce)about real-estate and the growing baby. I let it slip (rather strategically) that the wife's parents were buying the nursery furniture, knowing that my dad can be somewhat competitive (hey, we need to save our money for maternity leave...so might as well milk the first grandbaby thing). A few hours after our conversation, he called me back and wanted to let me know that one of the things they want to take care of is the stroller/carseat system. Awesome. That was another one of the more major purchases. He asked me to let him know as soon as we know what one we want. This is pretty cute. You see, my dad, in his very military fashion, has difficulty expressing his feelings and his excitement about things...the only way you really know he is excited is when he pulls out his wallet. We knew my wife's parents would be excited, but my parents are often a mixed bag.

So the war has begun. I'm going to ride this out for a while. The other fun thing is that my sister is a pediatric nurse, mom is a neo-natal intensive care nurse, and mother in-law is a retired OBGYN nurse. They all love babies and are all going crazy. They also all get some pretty neat free stuff that they are stocking up on for baby huckleberry...a few less things we have to worry about!

It sounds so wrong...but I'm really loving this. It's pretty cute to see how excited they all are. Sometimes when I tell people we are pregnant and don't get the reaction I want, I know it's because it just isn't exciting to others as much as it is to us. But to our family, it's just as exciting. And that's a good feeling.

Where's the beef?

2010-02-02T22:34:00.004-05:00

So our lovely nurse called yesterday with results from friday's bloodwork. The wife's hemoglobin was a 9 (they really like it if you stay above 10). We knew this would probably happen because she has a blood disorder called thalessemia minor, which means that her red blood cells don't bind iron well. So simply taking iron doesn't really do anything. The nurse instructed us to take iron threetimes a day, which is a lot of iron for someone who won't absorb it anyway. We are thinking that perhaps they forgot she has thalassemia and are going to call tomorrow to request an appointment with a hematologist. We are not overly concerned. Her iron has been this low even without bring pregnant and with all the production of new blood cells during the last week or so, we figured it might happen.

It sure explains why she has been overly tired for even a pregnant person and why she has been craving hamburgers and steak (we don't eat red meat more than a handful of times per year). I'm seeing a lot of hamburgers in my near future.

11 weeks and breastfeeding

2010-01-30T00:16:00.002-05:00

We had our first official appointment at the ob's today. Boy was it long! Lots of questions about family history. And, as if being lesbian parents wasn't enough to make the ob's practice interesting, I gave her another element that stumped her. Turns out she has never had a non-gestational mother that wanted to ho on hormone therapy in order to breastfeed. I do what I can.

So she is going to get back to us on that one. We have our next appointment in two weeks in order for them to draw blood and do a risk screening for genetic problems. No amniocentesis. No invasive procedure. Just blood drawing and an ultrasound. That will mark the official end of our first trimester. I can't wait for the blissful second. I've heard it's lovely.

Rejects

2010-01-28T17:35:00.002-05:00

Won't be working at schmancy research job in Cambridge. Apparently I don't have enough publications. Can I help it if my co-authors hold onto manuscripts for several months before turning them around-delaying my progress? And it's not like I could do it alone because it would be a political nightmare. Bastards.

On the flip side, I've had some communication with the lead researcher on a job I am built for. They are just awaiting funding. We will see!

hierarchical bullshit

2010-01-27T11:00:00.002-05:00

It would be so great in life if people could concentrate on doing their jobs and avoid getting into ego-politics. For the most part, internship has been great. I feel like a fairly autonomous professional (which is good because people will be calling me Doctor in 6 months and I will be expected to operate independently). However, every once in a while, I am reminded that there is a political feature to every environment.

I should note, that I am not very good with politics and bullshit. I would prefer for us all to just do our jobs and focus on good quality of care, being professional equals. I don't care for this "I have an MD and therefore I am superior" crap. So, I am not particularly in-tune to these dynamics much of the time, because I don't operate in this way. I thought my inpatient rotation was fairly free of the drama as well...but oh, how it is not.

Basically, I was in an admission screening with a treatment team and the patient. I was not running the interview, but I did ask a few questions later because I didn't feel like this patient's anxiety was adequately assessed. And I was right. Turns out, she met for a very significant disorder that impacts her daily functioning. The psychiatrist in the room did not say anything to me at the time, but later, I found out that she felt I "overstepped my position," which I interpreted as more along the lines of making her feel stupid because she did not adequately assess the patient. So, it turns out this is not really about me, and more about her, as this has happened with other psychologists as well. The psychiatrist in question feels threatened by anybody who knows more than she does. I hate to break it to her, but I know quite a bit more than she does when it comes to research, therapy, and efficacy/outcome studies, because that is my training and my role in the world of mental illness. This should make for better quality of care on a multidisciplinary team, but instead, I am advised to "dumb it down," when dealing with this psychiatrist.

Bullshit.

There is my rant and rave of the day.

In other news, the wife is starting to show more and more...not to others, but to me. But it is exciting. Junior just keeps on growing as planned...and the wife is less nauseous (by report anyway) these days. She is falling asleep a little later in the evening and able to make it to 10pm most nights...looks like we will make a nice smooth transition into the second trimester in two weeks. I can't wait.

My parents bought me a flip hd camcorder for my birthday. I'm super excited about beginning my videography of the pregnancy and early life of the kiddo. It should make it much easier to involve our families (who are all long distance) as well. And the baby projects at the moment are: figuring out second parent adoption (which we will do as we don't know if we will be staying in massachusetts for good) regulations and process, creating wills, and I started a baby blanket. I'm crocheting with boucle, in patches. So far I have 3 1/2 patches of 35 done. My personal deadline is the end of February (which means it will probably be done by Valentines day)! After this project, I have to modify the highchair that both my wife and my wife's dad used when they were babies (it needs to be a little safer and more comfortable), create a master inventory of all that we currently have for the baby and all that we will need, begin a registry, and do research on good cloth diaper options, among other projects.

I love my new hobby.

We've got a dancer

2010-01-21T15:13:00.002-05:00

Everyone is fine. Thanks for the concern and well wishes. We had an appointment at our OB today and they did an ultrasound "just in case." as soon as the dildo-cam went in, there was huckleberry moving all around. It seriously looked like it was dancing! And we heard the heartbeat for the first time! 175 beats per minute. Nice and strong!

The real crazy part of the ultrasound was when we discovered that an earlier hunch of mine was true. There was a smaller sac in kb's uterus. Turns out that huckleberry most likely used to be a twin, which explains the very high hcg earlier on. So, that's fun. Sad that huckleberry's brother or sister did not stick around (I wouldn't have minded twins) but we are so happy that the baby that stuck is safe. And it already looks so human! It was wonderful!

Interview and the ER

2010-01-20T22:21:00.000-05:00

I had a phone interview tonight for a 1-4 year research position at a very well-known university in Boston. While on the phone, my wife went out to pick up a food craving for dinner. I got two phone calls from her while on the other line going the interview and didn't answer them. Two minutes after the second call, my interview was over and I calked her back.

She was in a car accident and was being taken to the emergency room. A masshole had decided to turn left through an intersection in front of my wife who was driving straight from the opposite direction (and also had the right of way). The car may be totalled, which I'm not all that concerned about. My wife is fine, but shaky. Her neck is a bit sore. We may have to pursue a settlement for that. The baby is fine. We are probably going to have a follow up with our ob tomorrow.

But that was the worst phonecall of my life so far. And we keep going over the details. A fraction of a second delay in response could have cost us the baby or seriously hurt my wife.

I'll probably be freaked out for a while.

tears and fears

2010-01-15T11:47:00.002-05:00

Last night, as I walked into the bedroom, I came across my wife, starting to cry.
when asked what was wrong, she stated that she had no idea, but that she just felt like she wanted to cry.

Ahhh hormones.

Also yesterday, my wife scared the living crap out of me. She texted me a message in the morning that said "I hope you interview for [a certain out-of-state position that would require traveling]on January 29th. Now, January 29th is the date of our first OB appointment...so, I'm freaking out, thinking that maybe we weren't going to have this appointment because maybe this was my wife's way of telling me that she was in the process of miscarrying.

Nope. Turns out she forgot the date of the appointment and was just really excited because Iron.and.wine is playing at a folk festival around that date and she wants to go.

So now, we are not only having weird emotional fluctuations, but also...lots of forgetfulness...if only I had time to list all the little forgetful things that have happened in the past few weeks...suffice to say, it would be a long list.

And instead of my wife being the one who is constantly freaked out, it's me...mostly because of the forgetfulness and weird emotional stuff coming from her...and my tendency to catastrophize and ruminate.

this if fun.

In other news, I am waiting to hear about post-doc interviews...at the moment, our first choice is about 800 miles from where we currently live (back towards home...for us). Massachusetts is nice...but it's not home...and our friends and family are elsewhere. Sure we could make new friends...but I don't want to. I like the friends I have...I spent a lot of time working on those relationships. So we will see where we end up. I have a pretty good chance at this site. I know people there and there are people in my research area who also work there. The lame part would be moving with a 2-3 week old infant...but we would manage...

I also have a phone interview for a research position in Boston...that would start September of 2010 (we interview real early in my field). This would also be a great position and will certainly pay well...but again...it's not home.

decisions. decisions. I just hope my first-choice position makes me an offer before others...so I don't have to turn people down in hopes that I get the first-choice one. In the end...I need a job...it would suck to turn down the only one that offers. I'm going to try and plan my other interviews as late as possible...that might be a good strategy.

Heart beat on the Doppler

2010-01-11T18:22:00.002-05:00

As previously mentioned, my wife bought an at-home-Doppler on the Internet the other day. It arrived today. On the Internet it was advertised that we would be able to hear baby huckleberry's heartbeat from 9 wks onward. However, on the package it came in, it said from 12 wks. That should have been my first clue. Also, keep in mind that we are not quite 9 wks (8 wks 3 days).
But alas, we attempted. We had great fun listening to my wife's ridiculously loud heart beat and my much quieter one (which by the way matches our respective natures in general...hmmm...interesting). We tried to hear the dogs heartbeat but he really was not having it (plus I think he has too much fur). We tried listening to huckleberry without the gel...and nada. We tried with the gel and all of a sudden I heard something! Once I came back to earth, we listened more closely and realized that if couldn't be the baby's heartbeat because it was way too slow. With some very scientific experimentation and deduction, we realized that it was my wife's pulse (again, much louder than it needed to be) from the major artery that runs along the pelvis and hip joint, and down the leg.

Boo. But you should have seen how excited I was. A squirted out half the tube of gel before realizing I was duped.

Nature 1
crazy excited mama-to-be 0

She's not that bad...

2010-01-08T16:37:00.003-05:00

This is partly to set the record straight, and partly to avoid future wrath...but really y'all, the wife is not that bad in terms of emotional lability...yet.

Sure, she takes things in unintended ways...more so than usual, and she doesn't like it when my reaction is not what she expected (like this morning, when she spilled half a bin of cereal on the floor and I remained neutral instead of laughing hysterically at her clutsyness)..but she isn't a dragon lady or anything.

Sure she freaks out a bit whenever she feels an uncomfortable sensation because she fears miscarriage more than anything, and she won't listen to the well-informed voice of reason (me), but she's not living in a constant state of panic...just a few minutes each day.

And while she is falling asleep around 730 (at the latest) each night and she hasn't been much help in helping me decide what to make for dinner every night (or lunches or breakfast), she has yet to throw up.

She does have this constant rhythmic burping thing going on and the pregnancy breath...well, it's not good folks. The clutsyness and forgetfulness has definitely increased by 50% or so and I'm thinking of taking up a new hobby for periods where she's napping or asleep before dinner. And while she is resistant to me looking at diaper-bags, she picked out a lot of baby books and just bought a Doppler on the Internet.
But all in all guys, she's carrying my child, and in my book she is perfectly justified in doing almost anything (plus...I know I will be much worse when I'm up to bat...it will be more than revenge!).

Budding genius

2010-01-05T21:56:00.002-05:00

After work on Monday, the wife wanted to go to borders to look at baby books. This is fitting, as she may want to be a children's librarian. So I was trying to think of all the books I loved as a kid, and I was having some difficulty in remembering...until we got to the bookstore. I now want to buy the entire Dr. Seuss collection, the remaining Shel Silverstrin books of poems, the curious George collection, the little miss (insert adjective here) collection (you know-the square books with geometrically shaped characters like "little miss mischief," etc.), the real mother goose, if you give a mouse a cookie collection, and the list goes on and on. We went way over our monthly limit and purchased the following:
Alexander and the terrible horrible no good very bad day
goodnight moon
corduroy
are you my mother
some book about baby animals (the title was not memorable).
We also bought a beatles for babies cd
and a world lullaby cd (in all different languages)

I can't wait until next month when I can add to the collection. So far we have at least twenty books-some new and some from my childhood.
next month it's Dr. Seuss books for sure.

This kid is going to be brilliant.

Orange you glad I didn't say licorice?

2010-01-02T18:07:00.002-05:00

Well if we couldn't tell we were pregnant before (which we could) we certainly can now.
It's been pretty funny observing kb's food aversions and cravings. I opened up a bag of licorice five feet away from her and she nearly puked. Same thing happened when I ate leftover sausage pizza, which she readily downed the night before. We've discovered that most sweet things are not happening (with the exception of the occasional ice cream). And I am currently headed to the grocery store to stock up on oranges, grapefruit, pickles, and sauerkraut, yet again.

On top of the cravings, her boobs are bigger and so sore I can barely hug her without making her cry. And she's been a tad moody and reactive (not bad though). She's also developed narcolepsy and is constantly nauseous and burpy. I feel like we can't make any social plans because i can't anticipate when she will fall asleep or feel puky.

So this is pregnancy...and while this may sound like we are complaining, we are actually thrilled. We've been waiting for this for a long time.

The big new years eve plans:

2009-12-31T16:10:00.002-05:00

We are ass-planting and ordering in...all 5 of us...me, kb, puppy, kitten, and baby blueberry.

Why oh why...

2009-12-26T22:47:00.002-05:00

Did there have to be a carters outlet store around the corner from KB's aunt's house in jersey?
We definitely stopped there on our way home today and bought six things...albeit it at very cheap prices!
Made it through the holidays without the cousins having any clue (until we broke down and told one of them! She kept the secret though) which is no small feat. Kb has three female cousins who have each had three babies. Add her aunt and that brings us to four women and 12 pregnancies. Man we were good.

Now just 5 1/2 more weeks till we can spill our guts to everyone!

Still just one baby and we have a heartbeat!

2009-12-24T09:38:00.003-05:00

Five weeks 6 days today. We saw baby huckleberry on the ultrasound and actually saw the heart beating!
IT'S ALIVE!
102 bpm.
We opened Christmas presents this morning.
But this was the best gift of all!

Our little bean is no longer just a collection of cells.
It has a heartbeat!

An early urge to nest?

2009-12-22T14:27:00.003-05:00

I am sitting in my office at work waiting for a patient who probably will not show up, as has been my personal (or maybe the holiday) plague the past few days. And honestly, I'm kind of excited because I didn't want to see her anyway...or anyone for that matter...because all I can think of is going home and starting my 5-day holiday vacation at approximately 930pm tonight! The wife still has to work tomorrow...which is okay, because I am going to spend the day making Christmas cookies, watching shows she isn't into, and crocheting baby booties. That's right. I said it. I have started crocheting things for baby huckleberry. I welcome this activity because it adds a little variety to my obsession from last week: sewing baby clothes.

Since finding out about the huckleberry, I think I have sewn 10 pairs of shorts, two fleece sleepers, two fleece hoodies, and 3 or 4 shirts. To put this into perspective, I actually set up the dining room table, named it my "sweatshop" and wouldn't even allow KB to set so much as a water glass upon it. And I made all of these outfits in approximately 3 evenings. Also, I think we already have about 100 or so articles of clothing that I made over the course of the last few years for the bean. It's nuts. I can never do anything halfway...I always go overboard.

So now, it's on to booties, and hats, and if I can find a pattern for crocheting sweaters for infants, I will do that too. I have a pattern for a two year old, maybe I can just cut the number of stitches in half...we'll see how that turns out. I have a lot of spare yarn around anyway...what else am I going to do with it.

But I am wondering what my next project will be. When will I stop? I feel like I only really have 6 months to get everything ready...and I work alot, so why not capitalize on my time now? Trying to pace myself...but it's too hard. I think this is my way of handling my excitement...and also of feeling more involved as the non-gestational mother. KB understands this, thank goodness...

4 wks 6 days...and already an ultrasound!

2009-12-17T12:08:00.002-05:00

We had our first ultrasound (extra early because of the high HCG) today. They saw one gestational sac...so at the moment it looks like we are only carrying one! But anything could happen. I thought for sure we had twins in there with the crazy symptoms and early levels of high HCG...but looks like I was wrong. The ultrasound technician did say that it is possible for another sac to show up later, but for now, we are getting used to calling it "baby" instead of "babies."

We go in Christmas eve morning for another ultrasound to see the fetal pole and perhaps a heartbeat!

Also, we scheduled our OB appointment for the end of January already. One of our top picks and only two blocks from where KB works...it's all coming together!

2009-12-13T09:11:00.002-05:00

We went for our second beta on Friday and our hcg went from 164 to 536. Progesterone from 64 to 72. So the pregnancy is sticking and sticking well! Also, the docs are taking bets that it's twins. My mother (a neonatal intensive care nurse) is worried it might be triplets. I think our RE is also worried, cause they scheduled an ultrasound for Thursday, which will be five weeks. Yikes!

Holy HCG!

2009-12-10T09:24:00.003-05:00

So we went in for a blood test on Wednesday (which was only CD25--KB has 26 day cycles usually)...before even having a missed period because of the positive pregnancy tests (5 of them)....and Holy HCG! Our HCG was already at 164 (progesterone 64). No wonder KB has already been experiencing nausea, excessive thirst and constipation! We go back in for our second Beta tomorrow morning, just to make sure the HCG is still rising. We have become addicted to peeing on sticks just to see that awesome purple line...which is getting darker and darker every day.

So part two of the news regarding KB's HCG, because we have not technically hit 4 weeks yet (which will be on Sunday)...the doctor said that our HCG is much higher than average. We also know that KB had three follicles this month...they said that there is a possiblity that we are cooking up more than one baby in there!!!!

Oh Jesus Christ.

I am very excited about this possibility...and a little nervous too...KB may become a stay at home (or work from home) mother afterall...

On a slightly different note...the realization that we are actually pregnant is setting in more and more. I feel like I am walking around with a goofy grin and major secret at all times. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to just blurt it out...but alas...caution is needed...it's still quite early.

I'M JUST SO EXCITED!!!!!

BFP!!!!!!!!!

2009-12-08T17:03:00.002-05:00

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we couldn't sleep last night...at all. KB has had waves of nausea coupled with intense hunger and thirst since Sunday (9dpo)...which we thought we were imagining because that seemed way to early to be having symptoms...but this morning, we peed on two sticks and both had a faint, but very clear line! And just to be sure it was different than evaporation lines, I peed on one too...and as we suspected, I am not pregnant....but my wife IS!!!!!!!

This day is now entered into one of my top 10 days in life so far.

And now I am nervous about the pregnancy sticking...After all of our friends' experiences with miscarriages and infertility, I think I will be anxious until we pass 12 weeks...and then I will rest easily. That is only 8 1/2 weeks away...it will come quickly!

Now, back to looking at cute baby stuff on-line. Good thing my last patient cancelled and I am caught up on paperwork...cause I am going to be majorly unproductive for the next few hours!

A crazy three months

2009-12-04T11:47:00.002-05:00

So...it's been a while since I've updated this blog...it's been a pretty busy season. We both started new jobs that have kept us more-than-occupied, we've been exploring New England, and there have been some conferences, etc. Sorry.

We've also probably been purposefully avoiding looking at other blogs, and hence have forgotten about our own. We were waiting until our insurance kicked in on November 1st, and it was just too difficult to watch other's getting pregnant, etc. while we were waiting for a chance to try again.

We went to the doctor the beginning of November, and were informed that our lovely insurance would not cover us until we had paid for 6 IUI's out of pocket at the doctor's office (I guess the one's I did at home didn't count). So we technically have to do four more before they will pay a dime. If we had known this, we wouldn't have waited three blasted months! But alas...onward and upward.

Our first appointment with the new RE was horrible. She had double-booked us after already calling a week earlier to reschedule us. Then they said they had an appointment the same day, a few hours later, so we both moved around our appointments to make this appointment (otherwise we would have had to wait another month to get in)...and then the doctor was 1/2 hour late to this appointment. She had obviously not bothered to read the chart, because she asked me if I was KB's "friend or cousin...or...????" KB became pretty upset at this, and not-so-gently informed her that I was her wife...which the doctor brushed aside...no apologies for being late or for making stupid assumptions.

We thought in Massachusetts we wouldn't have to deal with people being ignorant about same-sex marriage...and I guess now we are realizing that only close to Boston are people more progressive. Also, it might be just me, but fertility specialists in general should probably be more sensitive to the idea that their patients might not be straight since many lesbians require the assistance of RE's to become pregnant...I'm just saying...

So now we are on Tamoxifen. No more clomid for us. It thinned out KB's lining too much. We had three mature follicles (which is about half of what we typically had when on clomid, but still quite good). Her lining was within normal limits...and now we are 7dpo. We had to inseminate on Thanksgiving, with a different doctor (who is the head of the department and so much better interpersonally)...so if this doesn't work out this month...we are switching doctors to her as well.

The other strange thing that has happened that I am totally reading into (because really everything can be a pregnancy sign, can't it?) is that KB had weird nasal congestion for about three days from 4dpo to 6dpo. It was like a cold...but she wasn't extra tired and didn't have any other symptoms. No relief if she took an allergy pill...and not the typical nasal mucous for a cold...it was clear...
I've (of course) been reading about "early pregnancy signs and cold symptoms" on various ttc sites...which you would think that a year later I would be learning my lesson on this...and this phenomenon has been reported as a fluke sign of early pregnancy. so of course...despite how much I am trying to ignore it...I'm freaking out a little in my head. But much less than in past months.

7 days to go. Let's hope this works...for both us and our bank account.

Yay Massachusetts!

2009-08-17T11:02:00.002-04:00

We're here! Well...we've been here for 2 weeks now...but no internet until this weekend. So far, we are loving Massachusetts and not really missing Chicago. But there are a few things we miss, and a few things we don't like about Massachusetts. First, we miss grided streets. I realize how much we depended on a street system that makes logical sense and am thankful for the time we had it, but now I find myself wondering where I am a lot of the time. Thank goodness for GPS. Second, I miss being able to buy my alcohol at the grocery store. It's such a waste of time to have to go to two places...an irritation that is livable...but annoying none-the-less. Third, I miss drivers that are somewhat curtious. People actually speed up here in order to prevent you from changing lanes. Massholes. So far, that is it...but I am sure the list will grow a little in the next few months as we adjust.

Some semi-exciting things have happened since we moved. First, we upgraded to a queen-sized bed. That extra 6 inches really makes a difference! And ever since, I have woken up without any joint pain. Woohoo! Second, we upgraded our entertainment system...from the 19inch my dad bought me when I was in college, to a 37inch flat-screen. I know this is not a giant TV or anything...but in comparison, I feel like I'm sitting in front of the big-screen at the theatre. Also, today, we pick up our marriage license and later this week, we are going to legalize our marriage in Boston. I'm pretty excited to have the same rights as every other married couple (at least when I am in New England).

So far, we've been doing a lot of exploring, which has been fun. We've discovered that Worcester restaurants are much cheaper than we are used to...which means we can probably afford to go out a little more than we used to...so that is great. Also, we played an impromptu game of Bocce Ball with some locals while we were walking our dog through the park the other night. That was a weird--but fun experience. We also walked the grounds of Worcester State Hospital as it was getting dark. That was creepy, actually. And we have hung out with some blog friends a few times...which was lovely.

As far as baby stuff goes...we aren't totally sure what we are doing right now. We may start a few home tries just for the hell of it...we may take another month off. We are researching good RE's in the UMASS system (and elsewhere) for November when the health insurance kicks in. And from there, it will all depend on what the RE says. If they want us on a new fertility drug with IUI's...fine. If they want us to continue on with IVF...fine. At least that is how I am feeling. I think KB would prefer not to go right to IVF. But I am so tired of this game and every day my baby obsession grows. I have a lot of fabric sitting in the closet and it takes all my strength to not start turning it into new baby outfits. Plus, our guest bedroom would be so much better as a nursury. Right now, it is so hodge-podge. I need a unified theme. Baby seems like a good theme.

2009-07-24T17:53:00.002-04:00

It feels like every day my feelings about moving change. On Tuesday I was really sad, doubting everything. Yesterday I was scared. Today, I am neither of these things. Just excited and ready to go! I feel like our ttc-journey has taken a similar course over the past few months. Right now, I am still excited to be a parent--someday, but am also feeling very protective and cautious. I don't know how long this will take us, and if I keep focusing on it, it will make me crazy. I just know that we will be parents someday and in some way. And until then, I'm relishing my time with my wife. Right now, I have her all to myself, better enjoy this while I can still say this.

2009-07-21T15:37:00.002-04:00

Nine days left. All packed up (for the most part). Ready to go. I am more nervous for the logistics of the move than for the move itself. Driving the truck, fitting everything in, not breaking shit. That kind of stuff. And I am starting to emotionally detach a little. Makes it easier. Tired of talking to people and saying goodbye. This is my 22nd move in my life...although to be fair about half of my moves were local and not 1000 miles. But the other half were all long distance, sometimes overseas. So I'm pretty used to it...but it's still hard.

And the harder part of it is that I really thought we'd be pregnant in the first year of trying. And we won't be. In fact, we have no clear idea of where we are on our road to parenthood. We may be trying IVF in November. New RE may suggest a different path and we won't know that path for a few months. It's just a giant question mark. I don't like it one bit. I like plans. I've lived my life on plans...almost finished a doctoral program on plans. They keep me motivated with an end goal. I am not even totally sure what our end goal is now.

2009-07-17T13:21:00.002-04:00

T minus two weeks until we leave the great Chicago and head east. I have now officially packed all dishes except for a pan or two and we are using the "disposable" ware, which we will wash and reuse as much as possible.

The house feels like a disaster zone and less and less like our place.

I've started my goodbyes--beginning with one of my best friends who is returning home to New Zealand as we speak.

The wife is beginning to feel the anxiety and has had trouble sleeping the past few nights.

It feels weird that we aren't starting another round of clomid this cycle. And even as we are taking a small break from the cycle of tww's, we cannot seem to get out of this pattern. Only, this time the tww involves moving and will go by more quickly than I want it to. I better go buy a box of Kleenex.

2009-07-08T16:35:00.003-04:00

BFN. We are taking the next month or so off as we move across the country and figure out our next step.

2009-07-08T15:46:00.001-04:00

Stop #7: wishbone. Still waiting to hear the results of the test. It's never taken this long before. WHY HAVENT THEY CALLED US YET?

2009-07-07T13:28:00.002-04:00

#'s 4, 5, and 6 in our goodbye Chicago tour:
M-henrys for breakfast
Indian take-out from Indian garden
Cubs game (tonight! Yay beer and hot dogs)!!!

Boy. Chicagoans sure do eat a lot, huh?

In other news, I have been thinking a lot about how quickly our "waiting for the move" went. Although tww's have sucked a lot these past three months or so, they have taken our mind off of the move and have made the whole relocation-deal easier for us (well for me at least. I haven't exactly asked kb how it's affected her). And similarly, when I have needed my mind to be far away from ttc the most, I have had packing to occupy me. Distractions make life easier sometimes, I guess.

I should pack up my entire house more often

2009-07-07T09:15:00.001-04:00

I found an unused target giftcard. Apparently I was saving it for something. I just can't remember what!

One month to go!

2009-07-02T00:50:00.003-04:00

On Monday, I finished my contract at the university and now I am a FREE WOMAN (in terms of work that is :))! It feels so good to not be in the clinic anymore! I was so close to punching my boss in the face...about a dozen different times...good thing I didn't! So now, I am only working one part time gig. No more catering, no more statistical consulting, no more clients. From 80 hours to 25 hours a week...all in 24 hours! With the rest of my free time, the wife and I are saying a proper goodbye to Chicago by visiting all of our favorite places and all traditions (regardless of whether they are a favorite or not).

So far we did:
#1 Signature room on the top of the Hancock, followed by the Billy Goat Tavern
#2 Chicago Pride...enough said
#3 The Taste of Chicago

I wonder what #4 will be...

In other news, we most likely found renters. They have passed a credit check and are now reviewing the lease...which we sent them this morning. With any luck, it will be signed and returned, along with the first/last month's rent, tomorrow! Things are starting to wrap up real nicely!

Now if only we can make it through the second week of our tww!

2009-06-25T13:09:00.002-04:00

IUI round two...ding ding ding.

We went in for the folly-check on Tuesday. 3 very mature follicles on the left, one possibly mature and one puny follicle on the right. 26mm, 25mm, 24mm, 17mm, and 12mm. Also, her LH was on the rise, meaning she was starting to ovulate. KB gave herself the triggershot that afternoon. Yesterday morning, she went in for IUI #1 of this month. Counts were good, 52 million at 69% post-thaw! It took 3 people to get it in her though! Apparently KB has a "crooked cervix" and if we ever have to go the IVF route, she will have to have her cervix dilated surgically every time they implant embryo's, because the poor little things are too fragile for KB's twisty cervix...so that was not fun information from the RE, and let's hope we never have to go that route!

IUI #2 of the cycle was this morning...also good counts: 50 million at 62% post-thaw. This time, the catheter slipped right in...who would have thought!

So we are back in the tww. This is the last tww in Chicago. And the last for at least a few months. I am still hopeful...but I am much less optimistic than in the past. I feel like my optimisim decreases with every month we get a BFN. Although, the good news, is that every month, we are one step closer and conditions are that much better...increasing in aggressiveness and in accuracy...that makes me feel better. Onward and Upward...towards the goal (I hope this is what the swimmers are also thinking!)...

2009-06-19T17:53:00.002-04:00

Data problem fixed! I was able to re-download my data off the server and I fixed the program so that it would download all the variables (which means I don't have to re-enter them for each participant--which is great because that is 12,000 entries). I do have to redo some of my work (recoding some data and cleaning up the file)...but all in all, it looks like I lost about 5 hours of work. That isn't horrible. It could have been a lot LOT worse.

So pissed off I could SCREAM!

2009-06-18T17:13:00.002-04:00

I have been hand entering some of my dissertation data into SPSS (a stats program) for a few days right now. And my computer decides to erase the fucking file AS SOON AS I'M DONE ENTERING IT!!!! Blamo. gone. I searched the whole damned computer...and almost threw it through a wall. So fucking pissed.

Status

2009-06-15T16:58:00.002-04:00

cd2 of this cycle. It came pretty quick. Stopped the progesterone gel, and the next day my wife regrettedly greeted AF. She went in for her baseline stuff today...and apparently they want us back in on cd10 for a folly-check, and most likely a trigger shot. Originally (last month) they had said they would probably have us come in earlier during this cycle because KB responded so well to the clomid and they would want to trigger sooner. Now they are saying "there is no way to tell from month to month if you will respond the same way to clomid, so it's better to just come in on day 10." I wish someone would get their story straight! This is the kind of conflicting information that we keep getting and that I find to be extremely frustrating. And what is worse, is that this means I won't be there for the IUI's. Most likely they will be occurring on day 11 and 12, and I will be at work on those days. There is no way out of working those days either, considering I have only 6 days left at that job. This sucks. I hate not being there at possible-conception. It makes me feel more removed from the process....like I am not needed for us to conceive (which logically I know is true...but I don't like it any more). That said, we don't want to skip a cycle just because I can't be there. Especially not after already paying $300 for today's work and the $200 vial of sperm they are holding ransom from last month's leftovers. So if my calendar is correct, we will be testing on July 6th. And this month (knock on wood) I am going to strongly advocate for no HPT's. We can just wait for the doctor's verdict and not ruin our 4th of July weekend.

2009-06-13T16:32:00.001-04:00

No injectibles for us. At least not now. The whole proposition of injectibles had me thinking. There seems to be a lack of communication on all fronts. For instance, did the nurse ask the doc before suggesting injectibles,especially considering that kb produced 7 follicles on clomid? Why did we not know prior to pursuing iui that there was an upper-limit on how many follicles you can produce and still have them do the procedure? Why did the nurse not even know we were on clomid last round? How come I haven't heard a damned thing from our actual RE? And why did the nurse seem to believe frozen sperm could last for a few days? That is contradictory to everything I have read. I feel like the swimmers were all dead before the egg was released. They should have done two iui's like they usually do, but they were scared about the chances of multiples. So I am angry. I'm actually angry enough to find a new RE. But we are only here 6 more weeks. So once more with this RE and then we will be looking for a new one in central Massachusetts. Let's hope we don't need to. And if we do, let's hope they are better about communicating with us than is our current RE.

I don't get it

2009-06-12T15:23:00.002-04:00

7 follicles.
Progesterone suppositories.
Uterine cramps.
Implantation bleeding (or so we thought)
But still not pregnant.

I was so sure this time.
And now the doctor is recommending injectibles.
I wonder how much that will cost.
I wonder when this will happen for us.

Honestly?

2009-06-10T10:42:00.002-04:00

What are we doing to ourselves? So this morning we fell to temptation and tested. Of course it was a BFN because it is only 12dpiui and probably 11dpo. Not to mention I think today is around cd23...which means we still have another few days until we hit KB's normal cycle length anyways. Our bloodtest is Friday...and I can't promise we won't test tomorrow...it is just so tempting...especially when we have had VERY VERY promising signs. I will be shocked if we are not pregnant this month...I swear that light pink spotting was implantation...perfect timing, coupled with little uterine poke sensations...what else could it possibly be?

Implantation bleeding?

2009-06-09T20:01:00.003-04:00

So KB has noticed a little light pink streak yesterday and today. That, coupled with poking sensations off and on over the past five days and we are dying to test. But we are waiting until Thursday. And Friday is our blood test at the RE. I have a good feeling about this month and I think the wife does too but she doesn't want to say for sure because she is afraid of jinxing it. 36 hours folks.

Getting things done fast!

2009-06-08T20:29:00.002-04:00

Talk about quick...we found a place to live on Friday, and our only gripe is that there is no dishwasher...but there is plenty of space. Yesterday (Sunday), KB and I worked at one of our part-time gigs (cater-waitering), and on our way there, I looked up items for sale on Craigslist, just out of curiousity. I found several portable dishwasher's for sale--you know, the kind you fasten to your sink. We purchased a dishwasher on our way home that night, for half the price of the same model new. And the dishwasher we bought was used for less than a year. Problem solved. Well...almost. The previous owner forgot to give me the attachment for the faucet...so I have to stop by on my way home from work as well. But now, we have a dishwasher...could life get any better?

2009-06-06T07:36:00.002-04:00

We found our house in Massachusetts! The landlords are great. The rent is way cheaper than we expected. I can walk to work on days I don't have to travel to jails or courts. We are close to the main restaurant street in town. It has a yard. It is perfect! And we move in in 7 weeks. Me, the wife, the dog, the cat, and our blastcyst hopefuls!

Fake out

2009-06-04T08:58:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting in the airport as I write. We are on our way to Worcester and are determined to find our next home. KB's mom dropped us off at the airport this morning. We spent the night with them last night after dropping off the furbaby--who loves grandma more than he loves us. Given the choice, he will choose her. She spoils him! I can't even begin to imagine how she will spoil her first grandbaby one day! It was a tiring night. She doesn't know we are ttc, and we are trying to keep it that way. But it is hard because she is super-observant and she knows what she's looking for--she is a retired OBGYN nurse (also my mom is a neo-natal icu nurse and my younger sister is a pediatric nurse--so we are set but also have to be über-good at faking them all out--it's like living with a bunch of psychics--only we don't live with them and none can read palms)! Here was yesterday's synopsis:

KB was very tired all day-- we blamed that on no sleep the previous night.
No alcohol at dinner--"why would I want alcohol when I'm quite tired already?!"
I was crocheting a stuffed pink pig--KB's mom thought they were booties and we laughed it off and made pregnancy jokes followed by a quick (but not too quick) explanation that I am making stuffed animals for neices and a nephew we will be seeing this summer.
KB was moody all night-so I made fun of her like a good insensitive wife.
We had to hide the wrapper to the progesterone suppository (it's currently in the wife's bag)
No coffee this morning (apparently the wife can't stomach coffee for a few hours in the morning)
An incredibly burpy wife--blame it on the Italian food.
A very pale wife--well that's the anemia of course!!!

God I am exhausted. But I think the fake out worked. Not too many more I hope! I don't know how much more of this I can take! I need a nap!

Starting to feel anxious...

2009-06-01T13:01:00.002-04:00

So we move to Massachusetts in 7 1/2 weeks. Totally excited, but also totally starting to feel the anxiety. The friend that we thought was going to rent with us just found out that the hiring decision she is waiting on just got pushed back again, and now we feel like we can't wait for that to happen because it would be too close to our move date to find another renter. So now we are looking for someone to rent our place. This stresses me out.

We are excited about this month's IUI and can't wait for the result on June 12th. And at the same time, with all of the mature follicles KB had, we are a little nervous at the prospect of having higher order multiples and having to make decisions regarding selective reduction (if we are pregnant, and if there are more than three hanging out in there). This makes me nervous.

And finally, leaving the place that has only just started to feel like home, and moving to a new city where we know nobody and may in fact be pregnant...to a lot of unknowns and uncertainties...this stresses me out as well.

However, that said, my wife and I are confident that we can make it through pretty much anything together, and we are as prepared as we can be. The pieces will all fall into place, hopefully sooner rather than later, but we are certain that everything will work out. After all, we just so happened to meet each other at the right times in both of our lives, we just so happened to fall in love, we just so happened to move-in together at a perfect time for the two of us, and all of the challenges that came with those events were easily endured and eventually overcome. We have fought our way through financial frugality to pay off credit cards, pay for a wedding, buy a new car, pay for fertility treatments, and save a large chunk of change for next year's bills. We have dealt with minor health issues and have persevered. So come on life, bring it. We are prepared, and confident that it will work out well for us...even if we are anxious right now.

Update

2009-05-29T17:37:00.002-04:00

the good news is that we can't test until at least the 8th of June (that will be 11dpiui)because of the effects of the trigger shot. So we really just have to sit back and relax. The other good news is that the sperm count for today's IUI was 35 million with a 56% post-thaw mobility. Also great numbers for frozen sperm. The other great news is that we had 7 follicles with at least 5 of them being mature...which also increases the odds. And lastly, while there is a chance of multiples, the chances of higher order multiples are still only 5% because KB is 35. Wonderful wonderful news. Like I said before, I'm shooting for one baby, but if we had twins (or as far as triplets for that matter) I would be absolutely fine with that. :) Yay for KB's 35th Birthday. We go in on june 12th at 7am for our pregnancy test. I can't wait. In the meantime, we have a trip to Boston to look for housing...that should keep us busy!

2009-05-29T09:03:00.003-04:00

Finger's crossed folks. We head in for our IUI in 2 hours. I got to give KB a shot in the belly last night (she's needle-phobic)...that was fun. She felt a sharp pain on her left side last night...which is great. If that was ovulation, we are happy it was that side, there were 4 follicles on that side and the largest of all the follicle's was also a lefty. Let's hope the other side did not release...she didn't feel anything and those follicles were much smaller...so chances are good.

I gave KB's uterus a pep-talk last night, today is her 35th birthday, which is the only reason the doctors agreed to do the IUI (because the risk of multiples with 5 mature follicles is not as high if you are 35 or over; they won't do an insemination with more than 4 follicles if you are 34). We got lucky with timing here. At first we had agreed this would be KB's 33rd birthday and that she would be going backwards from now on, like benjamin button. But now we are happily celebrating the fact that she is 35...otherwise it would have been $1000 down the tube for nothing this cycle. This cycle is still way more expensive than all others in the past...close to 2k thanks to the progesterone suppositories and crappy health insurance that doesn't pay a dime of fertility/prescriptions. Can you believe $600 for 6 weeks of progesterone suppositories? Ridiculous.

This morning I treated my beautiful 35year-old wife and her 5-7 (we aren't sure how many were mature) follicles to breakfast-in-bed. Some delicious "mexican eggs" blackcherry yogurt, red raspberry leaf tea, and a square of chocolate. A little healthy, a little delicious...starting these kids off right!

Let the next two weeks come by quickly!

My nightmare of a day

2009-05-28T17:14:00.002-04:00

So it turns out that it wasn't five mature follicles but rather 7. And most doctors won't inseminate with that many because of the chance of conceiving multiples. We have been on the phone all afternoon trying to figure out what we can do, because I hate the prospect of a missed cycle. At first we don't consistently produce follicles and now we produce too many. The doctors have agreed to do the procedure with an understanding that we know the risk of selective reduction should we conceive more than three (that is the number my wife and I are willing to go forward with). And we have to give ourselves the trigger shot tonight. One problem: we don't have that prescription and can't get ahold of the nurse. So we are still in limbo, but it looks like this cycle won't be for naught. And with this many follicles it is our best chance so far. Not to mention we probably had multiple follicles last month as well. We just didn't know it because we didn't look at an ultrasound in past months. And we didn't get pregnant then. So what is all this fuss about? I wonder if clomid can have an additive effect for every month you are on it. Maybe I should ask the RE tomorrow.

Who knew there could be even more emotional stress when you get doctors involved. I thought it would reduce stress. Silly me.

Tiny colonies

2009-05-28T09:04:00.002-04:00

We had our RE appointment this morning to check on KB's follicles. There were seven of them! Five of the seven were mature! One was a whopping 24.5 mm! Awesome. But also yikes. Our bloodwork should come back later today and we will find out when we go for our triggershot and first iui!

In unrelated news, I also am growing a colony... Of knots in the muscle around my right shoulderblade. Can't turn my neck, hunch my shoulders or breathe without severe pain. The pain is so bad I can't drive. And right now I am home and condemned to the couch. I might need to go to a masseuse to work these knots out. I can't get any work done this way.

So yay for the wife's colony but boo for mine. I have to go. It hurts to type.

Apathy

2009-05-27T13:23:00.003-04:00

What can I say, I have hit that point of the year (and probably of graduate school in general) where I am just extremely apathetic and am procrastinating everything. I really cannot wait for this move, because it might be just what I need to kick my butt in gear. Yes, I am up-to-date on my clinic paperwork...even though I could be ahead by beginning my clients' termination reports...but still, I am up-to-date. Yes, I am where I need to be with moving stuff (thanks to the lovely wife). I am up-to-date on my consulting job. I have finished collecting my dissertation data (at least the part I am using for the dissertation/defense). I have started to clean up the data file...so why, oh why, can I not just analyze my data?!!!!! Honestly, it will only take a few more hours of cleaning up the file, merging a few files, and creating some variables...we are talking maybe 10 hours of syntax and I could see the results of over a year's worth of work...but I just don't have the energy.

My dear, dear, dissertation advisor (whom I actually do like quite a bit) reminded me today that I should really get as much done as possible before the move. And he is right. I have 8 weeks...if I can at least just get my data analyzed, that would be good. Once I arrive in Massachusetts, I have a month before I begin, I could easily get a first and maybe second draft of a results/discussion section completed...but I am just so so so tired. I miss free-time. It has taken me 5 years to say this...but there you have it.

Dear dissertation advisor also is pressuring me (or encouraging me in a strong way) to apply for the ABCT student research award...because apparently I need one more thing to throw onto the table right now. Please, if I can't even get my data analyzed, do you really think I can handle that? I'd rather crochet more stuffed animals, thank you very much (animals to be posted soon)...

Homemade ice cream and sweet potato casserole

2009-05-25T18:24:00.002-04:00

I read on some online folklore pregnancy site that there are some natural ways of increasing ovulation. Our RE says that it can't hurt, but he doesn't think it will help either. I figure, if it can't hurt, why not...at the very least it is something fun to do together on my only day off for a while. So today we bought all the necessary ingredients for homemade ice cream and for sweet potato casserole. Apparently both dairy and sweet potatoes increase the chances of having fraternal twins (which obviously means increasing ovulation...and hey...if we end up with fraternal twins...fantastic, I have several sets of twins in my family...so I'm all for it). So that is the new thing we are adding this month. It gives us something to focus on while we are in this laborious ttc journey (plus I really love homemade iced cream...and I enjoy the arm workout I get from churning it).

And for the update, today is cd7 and our last day of clomid. Tomorrow starts estradiol for 5 days. Thursday is our follicle u/s and hopefully hcg trigger.

And in completely unrelated news...the best news of all in fact...is that I don't have to see my boss at the clinic until June 1st. She is gone this week. So if I am not busy, I can close my door to the office and crochet stuffed animals instead of cataloging a bunch of bullshit in the clinic library that nobody uses. Life is good. :)

2009-05-23T20:38:00.002-04:00

I always find it funny when I hear that people hate the first tww in their cycle. We are cd5 today. I haven't so much as glimpsed at the wife's temp charts (she is doing them on the computer now though, so it is harder to "glimpse"). And I love this half of every month...especially now that I am not stressed about predicting ovulation. I now pay our RE for that...thank you very much...no more pseudo-gynocologist for me! Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I have a problem checking the wife for fertile signs, but I really just don't need to see her cervix every day...makes things so clinical! So now is the time when we just sit back and enjoy our stress-free wait until we ovulate...afterall, no risk yet, we haven't inseminated so there is nothing to be stressed about. I also find that I get most of my work done during this half of the cycle. Despite my resolution to be zen-like and not check forums 100 times a day during the second half, I still do it...and I am not sure there is a cure for this. So, this is when the paperwork and dissertation work gets done. I don't see much of my wife...but I see plenty of her during the second half while I am obsessing...but it balances out (even though I really would not mind being with her all of the time...in a non-co-dependent, I-just-like-my-wife-and-she-is-my-best-friend kind of way).

AF has ended...two more days of clomid. followed by 5 of estradiol. We go to the RE on Thursday for follicle u/s and possibly (fingers crossed) an HCG-Trigger shot. Hopefully we will be inseminating on my wife's 35th (I mean 33rd birthday...we have decided she is the new benjamin button)...that would be a great time...insemination on the wife's 35th and it would be due on my 29th birthday. who could ask for better timing? Come on universe...do your thing...after all, we are good people. We pay our taxes, volunteer, donate to charity, and love animals...isn't it our turn for some good karma?

4 was always her lucky number

2009-05-21T10:43:00.002-04:00

The weather was great yesterday! We sat outside at a neighborhood pub and I had my first "outside summer beer" of the year. This is when living in Chicago is great. KB joined me, drinking a beer for a change...the last and only beer she will be drinking this month. While enjoying our beverages, the wife announced that this would also be her last visit from AF for the next year. She's putting that energy out there. And 4 was always a lucky number for her...so universe, how about some consistency? We are going to put out the positive vibes and manifest what we want...your job is to be receptive, you got that?

No more doubts. No more worrying. Just confidence that this will happen for us...and this will be the time it does.

In more specific ttc-news, we were cleared for take-off yesterday morning by the RE. KB's ultrasound went well. No ovarian cysts or anything abnormal. So today starts the clomid (cd3)...and next Thursday we go in for a follow up "follicle check" u/s and bloodwork. It's time to start cooking up a baby.

BFN and retail therapy...

2009-05-18T17:26:00.002-04:00

At first when we read of some fellow ttc-bloggers purchasing something for their not-yet-conceived child after each BFN, we thought that would be torture for us...but alas, we have reached the point in our ttc journey where it is quite therapeutic. It keeps me focused on the future and holding on to optimism, that it will somehow and in some way happen for us one day. So after a dissappointing BFN, the wife and I spent some quality time at target. We got a few really cute onesies, some soft shoes with giraffes on them, a dinosaur hooded towel, and a zip-up sweatshirt. We went a little overboard, but it was worth it. And so far, all of our baby stuff is stuff that I made...

I confess I also stopped at the fabric store yesterday and bought enough fabric to make a few pairs of baby shorts, a shirt, and two sleepers. I also bought some yarn and am currently crocheting a monkey stuffed animal...to be followed in the next several months by a lion, giraffe, and maybe a turtle. A little overboard, huh? We basically just jumped ship!

To Bigger and Better Things

2009-05-15T11:59:00.003-04:00

I hesitate to even begin writing this, because even the first sentence feels like I am giving up hope and heading down that path of being "infertile." Today continues to be depressing. All I have been doing at work is looking at last-ditch pregnancy hope posts on-line. What the fuck am I doing to myself?

I just got off the phone with the wife. We had originally planned on 2 more medicated at-home inseminations. So far we have done 3. And we have already spent about $3000 when all is said and done. I don't want to be that couple who is writing about their infertility for the next several years. I want to be successful NOW...as I am sure we all do. Am I throwing away $600 a month inseminating at home? Why not pay a little extra ($1200) and up the chances of conceiving? It hasn't been set in stone yet, but I think we are considering moving up a notch in our aggressiveness. I think it's time to do IUI's with triggers. It won't be cheap, and our insurance won't contribute a dime. But it is only money in the long run...and we have it sitting in our "what if" savings account....even thinking about touching that makes the financial freak inside my head SCREAM...but that's okay. I guess I'll just have to tell him to shut the fuck up.

As my wife says, "It's time to get back in the saddle."
Let's hope that saddle is securely fastened and the horse is fast.

And so so stupid

2009-05-15T10:19:00.003-04:00

I feel like a fool. This whole week, I have been feeling like this might be it--maybe this is the time it takes and we are actually pregnant. There weren't a lot of symptoms (that couldn't be explained by prometrium)...but there were a few that I thought were sure indicators. KB had a temp dip at 6dpo (which we thought was implantation) and little twinges around 7 and 9dpo (which we thought was also implantation). These are not things she has ever felt before...or maybe I should reframe this. These are not things she has ever NOTICED before. Were they there all along? Whatever the story is, this feels like a weird twisted joke. Thanks a fucking lot mother nature. Your "pregnancy symptom mimicing period symptoms" game is a blast.

KB had a temp drop this morning...not just a few points...but a drastic drop...from 98.44 to 97.48. Or somewhere thereabouts. That's almost a whole fucking degree. And last night she said she felt like her period was coming. Today is cd26. 13dpo. KB's cycles are typically 26 days long, and she for surely ovulated on cd12...so naturally, tomorrow would be D-Day. So how long do we delay her period with the prometrium and hold on to false hope? The test this morning was negative. That coupled with the fact that she had such a huge temperature drop...I think it's conclusive. We aren't pregnant (again) this month. I could have bought that scooter I always wanted with the money we've wasted by now! And I know it isn't a "waste" per say, but I feel like this whole thing is stupid. And our fucking government won't allow equal rights to the likes of us, so once again, the hetero's are privileged with their anatomy and free baby-making ingredients, while I have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars because our health insurance won't cover fertility.

We are waiting until Sunday to test for the final time before inducing the period. I am not in the least bit optimistic. I just want to see the final BFN and move along to next month...where this whole emotional hell-i-coaster starts all over.

Stupid for thinking this was it.

So So Weak...

2009-05-14T10:16:00.002-04:00

First thing this morning, KB informs me that she hasn't peed in 12 hours, and today is 12dpo. We told ourselves we wouldn't test until 15dpo because most people don't get accurate results when they test early. We told ourselves we'd be strong. But we broke-down. And we tested. And the universe scolded us. The test was a dud. The control line did not even show up until 10 minutes after the test was initiated. So, while according to the test, we aren't pregnant yet...we can't put much stock in that test anyway...it wasn't working properly. And now my emotions are all over the place. Regardless of whether that negative mark was false or not...I wasn't prepared to see it. This is what we get for testing early. Lesson learned. No more testing until Sunday. And if we still get a negative on 15dpo, we will wait till 17dpo (tuesday) just to be sure and then we will discontinue the prometrium and let the period begin.

The hard thing is that Clomid has been known to mess with dw's cycles. So, while normally, she would have her period at cd26 (14dpo), we have had some cycles where it did not come until a week later (21dpo). What if she implanted late and there is just not enough hormone for HPT's to detect? I really don't want to discontinue the prometrium and miscarry something that might be there. And the freak out continues...

2009-05-13T10:18:00.001-04:00

11 dpo. CAN WE TEST YET?!!!!! I wish it were Sunday already.

2009-05-12T12:37:00.002-04:00

10 dpo. I have a confession, I have been looking at baby gear online while at work for the past few days. The wife thinks it is bad luck and that I am just getting my hopes up. I keep telling her that what's done is done. Me looking at baby stuff is not going to make her unpregnant if she has an egg implanting. And honestly, I am feeling fine and rather zen today. Now this may change tomorrow. But for the most part, I find that looking at baby stuff helps me to pass any downtime until we test again. And considering that I am up-to-date on my paperwork and two clients cancelled yesterday, I have a lot of downtime lately. So I've been looking. But now I am stopping because the wife thinks it is bad baby karma. It's okay. I've already designed the room at this point and picked out everything from cloth diapers to breast pumps. What else is there to do now anyway?! What do you all think about wild animals and a jungle theme?

Written Evaluation

2009-05-11T13:46:00.002-04:00

I received my last written evaluation in my mailbox this afternoon. For the most part it was pretty good. It praised my clinical skills. The one part that I completely disagree with is my "mood at work." It is no secret that I don't really love my supervisor and think she's a moron. The woman can't remember a conversation that has occurred more than 5 times...and she constantly makes my workload redundant. Not to mention, she often reads into things and assumes that I and other colleagues are having reactions to clients, when in fact what we are reacting to is her. About 2 months ago we actually sat down and talked. I let her know that I am tired of being pigeon-holed as "the gay therapist" and tired of her assuming that I have a reaction anytime somebody with a lisp walks by or there is a slightly dikey haircut roaming around. She, in turn, turned that conversation back on me and I learned that I am not going to be able to handle conflict directly with her anymore...so instead...I went into maintenance mode and am doing what I need to get by and get out of there. 7 more weeks on my freakin contract. 7 more weeks until I never have to listen to her while she has difficulty putting sentences together.

Of course my mood affects the work environment PT*. All of our moods affect the work environment. And funny, what we all have in common, is the fact that we CAN'T STAND YOU. So maybe it isn't my mood that needs changing...maybe a change of personnel is needed. It's no wonder she didn't get tenure at the university she was at before this. She barely works (probably is in the office 20 hours a week...chatting with the receptionist most of the time) and she has some sort of cognitive deficit that is impairing both her memory and her ability.

I wish I could write her an evaluation. In fact, I might do one just for the fun of it and keep it to myself. Or maybe I will post it here...in the anonymity that is the internet.

*Initials changed to those of her nickname to protect her identity, although I don't know why I bother.

8 dpo and going strong

2009-05-10T15:18:00.002-04:00

kel had a temperature dip 2 days ago (6dpo) and then it spiked back up yesterday. Dropped a little today, but not much...still high for her. I'm wondering if the dip was implantation. She also felt some uterine pinches yesterday. One more week and we will find out! I am going to plan some things to make this week busy...I'm already obsessing about the temp dip. I'm going to keep on hoping!

7 dpo

2009-05-09T08:20:00.002-04:00

Today is the last day of our first week of waiting. It's gone by slowly...and I have had my crazy moments...but not even a fraction of the crazy that I had during past tries. Maybe it's because there is so much else to concentrate on right now...the move...KB's forced vacation...finishing up at the University...winding down with clients...lots to do. However, this next week, despite all I have to do, will go by even more slowly and be even more painful. I hate 2ww. I hate it so much. Everything is a sign that we are or are not pregnant. It can be the same symptom for both sides of the coin and our symptoms are not real...they are caused by progesterone...why do I keep forgetting this? Maybe it's because I am in denial. Or maybe it's because I have a hard time of letting go of hope. No matter how much I try to be realistic, I am always going to hope. Afterall, it would be weird if I was trying so hard to get my wife pregnant but had no hope of it succeeding!
The good news is KB's temps came back up to "normal elevation" today. They dipped down a little yesterday morning. I think it was just a fluke...like maybe she slept with the covers off or something. Who knows. It seems that ttc is really just a crapshoot anyway.

yeah...it's for real

2009-05-07T11:05:00.002-04:00

KB is in a meeting, being laid off as we speak. I was freaking out a little yesterday (although I maintained a calm and collected outward appearance, of course). However, today...I think we are both fine with it. It's the universe's way of telling us that KB is meant to do something else with her life (which we already knew) and now we can concentrate on the things that matter. Plus, now KB won't be voluntarily leaving her job in two months, so we qualify for unemployment and reduced cost COBRA. Hey...you know what? This is actually starting to look pretty good!